Totally Torah: Genesis

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“I’ve never read the Bible but I’ve heard it’s a Good Book.”

“Bronze Age myth to live your life by.”

~ Jesus on His Dad's novel
Part of a series of articles on
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Books of the Bible
Old Testament
Table of Contents
Genesis
Exodus
Leviticus
Numbers

Accordion
New Testament
The Gospels
God's Guide to Parenting
Book of Revelations
Biblical Out-Takes

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Tantra · Vedas
The Sutras

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Quran
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Want to lead a pious life but finding it hard?

Too many holy Joes at Temple?

Too little time to read the Bible?

The original temptress, Eve, is thought to have invented the pubic blue-rinse.

No problem, Isaac Asimov's Abridged Classics brings you:

"Totally Torah – a ten-minute guide to God's Word."

Genesis[edit | edit source]

Chapters 1–11[edit | edit source]

• Bored God creates world full of animals.

• Creates zoo-keeper to muck-out Eden.

• Congratulates Himself on "Good" job.


• Zoo-keeper bored.

• Eve created – Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.

• Refusal of three-way leads to snake's tempting Eve to sample forbidden fruit that God forgot to not create.

"Turn left at the next tsunami."

• Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.


Cain and Abel born.

God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.

• Seth born as replacement-Abel.


Human race grows through unexplained incest.

• God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.

• Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.


Noah surprised when dove-nav leads to mountain-crash.

Kids move out as Noah takes to drink and naturism.

Overconfidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.

Chapters 11–25[edit | edit source]

Under the kindly guidance of Father Abraham, the Canaanites prospered.
The garrison of Sodom took a keen interest in manly action other than fighting.

• Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.

• Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.

• Abram's army conquers city when Sodomite garrison seem strangely un-warlike.


• Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.

• Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.

• Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.


• Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.

• Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.

• Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.


• Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.

Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah.

Chapters 25–50[edit | edit source]

Esau's special needs gave him an advantage in tracking prey animals through wooded land.

• Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.

• Esau becomes hunter.

• Jacob engineers leveraged buyout of family business with mess of pottage.

• Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur coat.


• Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records "Stairway to Heaven" en route.

• Jacob attempts marriage with Cousin Rachel. Fat, older sister intervenes.

• Chubby-chasing Jacob sets up world's first Mormon commune and begins enthusiastic breeding with both sisters and maids.


• Jacob plans reconciliation with his brother. Returns to Canaan.

And Joseph stood before the Canaanites saying, "I'll be back."

• Becomes WWF champion of Israel following defeat of Jabbok in all night, man-on-man wrestling competition.

Rape of Dinah punished with genital mutilation of Edomites.

• Sentence review leads to imposition of capital punishment.


• Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.

• Becomes Prophet following mushroom trip; hoards food following attack of "munchies".

• Joseph's brothers seek food stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.


• Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.

• Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.

• Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.

See also[edit | edit source]

Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers.

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