Isaac Asimov
“Isaac Asimov is, in reality, based on something I invented or ate a few years previously.”
“Isaac Asimov’s ego has been predicted mathematically.”
“He’s not me, but should have been.”
Isaac Asimov, the prolific writer – of fiction, fact, science fiction, science fact, and whatever the hell else he was thinking about at any given moment – was born into a loosely-affiliated robot family in the summer of 1812.
Asimov's childhood was exceedingly miserable. Other robots and their robot dogs and robot brothers and sister always made fun of him. They laughed all day at his robotic sideburns, robotic sense of humor, and unexplainable retro glasses. They kicked him and then poured oil on him when he fell. As the years went by like flies on an orange peel, Asimov wrote hundreds of metaphorical books on the matter. That was his way of taking out his frustrations on the world.
Isaac Asimov wrote most of his books under his human persona, which was known and not-quite-loved by millions. Asimov invented the famous "Asimov Award" to honor his books. The Asimov Award, which Isaac won for the next 29 consecutive years, was later won by other robots such as Scarlett Johansson, Mohammed Ali, The Scarlett Terminator, and Data. Data was the only one who won it more than once, and then Asimov started winning it again.
Isaac was never quoted for saying "I imagine I am a genie in this image nation", but every sci-fi buff has had a dream of his screaming that. The real smart ones and one really stupid one have come-back lines.
Psychohistory[edit | edit source]
Summoning[edit | edit source]
Because of the mocking and the glasses breaking and the twisting of little robot arms (did you ever have a robot burn?) Asimov was not like other children. For example, as a small robot walking in a small field in Jarkarta, India, he was summoned to the incensed, water buffaloed, lion-headed decorated dark forest magic demon-summoning spell-room of a powerful witch doctor, who he talked to death. Isaac, having no soul to be miserable with for long, became very happy as a child. Unfortunately, his propensity for telling bad jokes and laughing at them himself made him unpopular among the local monkeys.
The early years[edit | edit source]
Isaac was a colour-blind robot. He couldn't tell ultra-violet from iridescent pink if his life depended on it (as it often did). Because of his colour-blindness and general itchiness to do something, at age six he wrote his first book, entitled "Foundation". Asimov is best known for his "Foundation" series. He wrote it with one hand while talking to anyone who couldn't get away fast enough, while with the other hand he wrote such non-classics as the Encyclopedia Brown series, a couple of lunatic laws which were passed through Congress, and all of Edgar Allen Poe's stuff.
Foundation detailed the inner workings of building foundations, every page a metaphoric response to bullies and strong women robots. It became an instant best seller in hardware stores, construction sites, and on the French Fruit market. The series won numerous awards for literary excellence (see 'Asimov Award', years 1818–1847). A statue of Asimov which Asimov had placed in front of his house next to the other statues of himself has an geo-foam image of that award etched onto a solid plate of gold. It is guarded by a bevy of security guards who gladly tell bad jokes to passer-bys while wearing Asimov masks.
Witchcraft and Congress[edit | edit source]
After his informal education was complete in 1843, Asimov moved to New Jersey, where he eventually married a female necromancer robot named Bertha Zuul. Asimov affectionately called her "Big Zuul". They wed on September 8, 1910, under a Spring sky at a ceremony attended by hundreds of the rich and famous. A week later Bertha Zuul Asimov was caught sleeping with three zookeepers, dragged out of the red panda's den in handcuffs, and tried for adultery and bestiality.
When the giraffe refused to testify against her, all charges were dropped. But the court – aided by a multi-species-cuckholded Isaac, and being American in nature – eventually found a way to incriminate her. On December 12, 2004, twelve years after Isaac died, the court found Bertha Zuul Asimov guilty of possession of illegal downloads (dark-web bestiality porn). She was burned within a hastily summoned fire spirit fuelled by unread Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction magazines, remaindered copies of his books, and a grudge that even death wouldn't hold still for.
Solicitations and sojourns[edit | edit source]
Asimov never tired of writing. He wrote morning, noon, and night; night, noon, and morning, never stopping to do anything but feed his insatiable ego. But he knew that if he published more than fifty books a year people were going to start getting suspicious. So he took on numerous identities. Asimov, who actually was the young Edgar Rice Burroughs and Edgar Allen Poe at the same time (ever wonder why you never saw them together?), enjoyed being H.P. Lovecraft and H.G. Wells, Jules Verne and Bram Stoker, and actually did a few years as Mark Twain. Asimov even sometimes ghostwrote for women (who do you think wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe?), and often dressed in drag to bid on himself at slave auctions. When he was L. Ron Asimov he adored the opera, but only when he starred in it. And if a moment ever went by too soon when Asimov wasn't writing, he grabbed it and wrote all over it. Asimov wrote and wrote and wrote, up until the second that he met his one true love. Himself.
The story goes that H.G. Twain had gone to market one day, to get material for his next novella and to flirt with a steam engine, when he happened to pass a mirror for the first time (that day). "Who is that handsome devil," he directed at the glass. And when he got no reply except for a wide smile and an enduring look, it was love at first sight. Edgar Rice Lovecraft had never fallen so hard for anyone. There were oils in his eyes and a hurried beating of his hearts (yes, the tool was also Who), and from that time on, in addition to writing science fiction, mysteries, anti-slavery manifestos and pro-slavery pamphlets, not to mention his philosophical discoveries about the function and healing of the human mind, all his personas loved to team-up to write love poems and songs and romance essays like they were going out of style with men (see the final product, Autobiography of Isaac Asimov).
Guesses and gooses[edit | edit source]
After generational proof, thanks to the research kids over at Caltech, of the same bad-jokes being told at book signings and personal appearances by Burroughs, Lovecraft, Poe, Wells (and once or twice by Orson Welles, which makes him at least in the ballpark) and many others, people began to put two and too together to suspect Asimov of being a robot. He just grew his sideburns longer and dared them to prove it.
Once, during an appearance on Letterman, Dave and Paul reached over and tried to pull his arm off. Asimov just laughed like the Dickens (as he, of course, had been Charles Dickens).
"Dave, what is the equivalent of a massless particle found deep upon the Scottish moors?" Asimov asked Letterman.
Letterman shrugged, moved his collar back and forth and made that "yee yee yee" sound, and yelled out "Paul?" Asimov continued speaking without even noticing Letterman's practiced look of pained despair.
"No mas"
Letterman and Schaefer tried to tear his head off, and it just kept laughing.
Death[edit | edit source]
Isaac Asimov was found dead slumped over both a toilet and a card table in 1992, having overdosed on thiotimoline when he caught himself cheating at solitaire. It appeared that the liquid was badly cut, and had caused his circuits to evaporate. He left a suicide note, but the note was in the form of a mystery about a handshake and a bottom of old scotch which ended in a pun about inbred-monkeys and why they had only themselves to blame. He was 180, although he still had the ego and the sideburns of a 170-year-old.
Recent unconfirmed reports confirm that Asimov's remains were stolen or sold by the time the police and electricians arrived, and were used to construct dark and/or light magic wandnet tools for the practices of witchcraft and lacrosse. Some science fiction writing historians suspect that Asimov either belonged to the beloved Illuminati or the feared Swedish Pocket-Watch Mafia (FSPWM), and if both grabbed his talking lifeless body they obviously compromised and made him into silverware. The only other theory that makes any sense to bored housewives is that due to his pun-centered short-stories he was gleefully deep-sixed by DMT gnomes.
The nerds and illumined-scholars over at Wikipedia still think that Asimov was a brave man who died of AIDS from a blood transfusion, not realizing that, as a practicing robot, he had neither blood nor guts. Only Robert Heinlein knows the truth, and he certainly isn't talking (ever since his second stroke).
The Laws of Isaac Asimov[edit | edit source]
- The First Law of Isaac Asimov states that no writer of science fiction may be mentioned before Asimov.
- The Second Law of Isaac Asimov states that this goes double for Heinlein and Clarke, except where such mentioning conflicts with the first law.
- The Third Law of Isaac Asimov states that when a book in which the words "foundation and ..." precede any other word, with the possible exception of "Foundation", it must be published as tribute as long as such wording does not conflict with the first or second law.
A later Zeroth Law added by Sir Isaac states that no writer of any genre may be mentioned before Asimov, although this may have been a pun.
Books[edit | edit source]
Asimov wrote many, many, many books. In fact a veritable ego-bearing shipload of books, whole swatches of them written at the same time. He would scamper between ten typewriters as he wrote, and wore out many more. He tried to invent the internet in the late 1800s just so he could write it. Some recent theories have gone so far as to suggest that Asimov actually either wrote or wrote about every book in human history, including the Bible and other holy books (both known and lost), The complete works of William Shakespeare, and the Iliad and Odyssey (which he sung hundreds of times before hastily gathered crowds of entranced Greek sailors).
We at Uncyclopedia love long, unfunny lists as much as the next man, but to detail the collected works of Isaac Asimov within a single article would create the dullest article in the known universe, causing space-time to collapse in on both itself and the rest of the stuff. So in the interest of the continuance of life as we know it, we have limited the following list to include only 1% of his most popular titles:
The I Robot Trilogy[edit | edit source]
- I Robot, you Jane
- I, Cleaning Vacuum
- Dr. Susan Calvin and ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US (the original meme was one of Asimov's orgasm sounds)
- Robots Play Hide and Sheik and other Mecca Nissims
- Robots Give Electric Head
- The Bicentennial Nyrd
- The Final Dynasty of Lightly-Scented Robot Gerbils
- Daneel and Giskard Explain the Zeroth Law
- The Robots of PWn
- I Robot, You Janet (parody film with Will Smith)
The Galactic Umpire Trilogy[edit | edit source]
- The Stars, Like, Dusted
- The Currants of Space
- Pebbles in the Sky with Diamonds
The Foundation Trilogy[edit | edit source]
- Foundation and the Stuff That Comes Under Foundations (also published as: Basements and Ground)
- Foundation Revisited and Repaired
- Walls and Floors
- Ceilings (later combined with Walls and Floors)
- Foundation and the Philosopher's Stoned
- Foundation and the Prisoner of Azkaban
- Foundation and the Half-Baked Prince
- Foundation and Makeup Tips
- Lost and Foundation
The Lucky Starr Trilogy[edit | edit source]
Other books[edit | edit source]
- Why Robots Seldom Have Wet Dreams
- Robot Versions of Silly Sitcoms
- Muttonchops and the Women who Love Them
- Roll, Roll, Roll Robot, Gently Drown Machine (robotic murder mystery)
- Pokédex
- Night flight to Venus in the Morning
- Asimov on Phrenology
- Asimov on Gynaecology
- Asimov on Acid
- Asimov on Asimov
- Asimov on "Asimov on Asimov"
- Why Time Machines are Impossible and How I Made One
- Asimov The Musical
- Uncle Isaac's Cabin
Other writings[edit | edit source]
- Ay yi yi Robot TV script for "I Love Lucy"
- Elroy Gets Stoned and Judy Gets Captain Kiddnaped two rejected scripts for the cartoon documentary-series "The Jetsons"
- Lucy Visits the Eighth Dimension, Cries, and Is Forgiven (TV script for "I Love (but often cheated on) Lucy")
- An Analysis of Carbon Deposits and Hydrocarbon Emissions from Mu Muscae-VII a rejected script for a "Star Trek" episode (rejected by all seventeen versions of Star Trek)
- I am the Operator of my Pocket Calculator, lyrics with famous robotic German band Kraftwerk, sung by Asimov and Data, a duet that the New York Times called really fucked-up
- Being Isaac Asimov (collector's edition 29-volume set, the last numbered volumes bound in his metal skin after the sorcerers and sorcerettes finished up with it)
See also[edit | edit source]
