Climate change

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It's probably no big deal

Climate change is the perfectly natural and only mildly concerning phenomenon by which the Earth's thermostat goes up by a few, dainty degrees, leading to no long-term consequences whatsoever. Definitely (probably, let's say maybe/kinda-ish) caused by human activity, global warming has become a topic of concern among people married to overblown narratives about "civilization collapse." Our modern day industrial society has existed for dozens of quarter-decades, so it's likely we'll be fine forever, even if a few[1] of us have to move inland and sell our homes to the Deep Ones.

Although initially discredited as laughable pseudoscience,[2] the symptoms of climate change have become too evident to deny, and thousands have since marched on the streets, to let people know that global warming is a thing that exists. Now humanity knows better, and world governments and corporations alike have all united to wait for some miracle technology to fix everything without fundamentally changing anything about how our society works. Rest assured that writing pointed letters to your local representatives, reusing bags at stores, and buying those neat collapsible straws that come in their own carrying case are all it will take to handle the coming climate crisis.

Background[edit]

History[edit]

They just really hated looms

Now according to some bomb-throwing luddites who want to ruin everyone's fun, all our problems started when we began carving the Earth up to find fuel for the big metal machines we use to carve the Earth up to find fuel for other big metal machines which we use to make important things like soap, and cans, and cans of soap. As ridiculous as it might seem to wantonly consume the Earth's finite resources in an effort to make big piles of money for people with giant piles of money, all of this was necessary for the progress and advancement of the human race. Rather than seeing the climate as spiraling out of control, think of it as the birthing pains of a new world where we mine asteroids and colonize Mars and use cryptocurrency for buying not drugs.

The climate of our planet has been in a constant state of flux. Over billions of years, the oceans have frozen over, the Earth's crust has blistered into pools of magma the size of Siberia. With every change, the Earth has persisted. Life has found a way to survive, which means whatever we do, humanity will survive, with all our parking lots and outlet malls and two-day free shipping intact. We may have to burrow miles underground and evolve into tiny mole people to maintain our way of life, but we will be fine. There is no reason for alarm. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an alarmist who gets off on your worry, like some kind of pathological vampire slut.

International response[edit]

I can smell the clean air already

Great progress has been made in the effort to fight the totally manageable scourge of global warming. Meetings have been set up, carbon has been taxed, lightbulbs have been replaced with better lightbulbs, meetings on the aforementioned meetings have been scheduled, carbon has been offset, carbon has been kicked in the stomach and made to wear a sign that says, Bad Carbon Bad. In 1992, world governments came together to sign the Kyoto Protocol, which declared that global warming is a thing, and that it's a bad thing, and something should be done about it sometime in the future, if it's not too inconvenient. In the decades since this momentous treaty, the rate at which Carbon emissions increase has gone up at a lower than expected rate.[3]

After the resounding success of the Kyoto Protocol, the world came together to sign another, even less binding agreement, called the Paris Agreement, in an effort to prevent global average temperatures from going up higher than 2 °C from pre-industrial levels. Governments which have signed onto the Paris Agreement are required to maybe think about fixing the climate, or at least hold a meeting somewhere to brainstorm some ideas. The United States has since pulled out of the agreement, because it might slightly inconvenience a couple billionaires. Which it totally reasonable, don't get us wrong.[4] Still, the Paris Agreement has been a resounding success

Corporations have also joined the fight to stop climate change, with large multinationals like General Electric changing their twitter avatars to green versions of their logos for about one or two days in April, or making lovely ads with monorhythmic piano chords over footage of steamy rainforests.

Effects of climate change[edit]

Collapse[edit]

The Cube feeds us, the Cube protects us

The last thing we want to do is to understate the severity of the current climate crisis, however, grifters and alarmist busybodies have used the reality of climate change to promulgate the ridiculous idea that climate change will lead to the collapse of human civilization as we know it. Rather than get behind sensible, realistic, achievable reforms like higher gas mileage standards on Diesel cars by 2090, they make spurious predictions about oceans swallowing cities whole, farms turned barren from drought and the destruction of topsoil, millions of climate refugees, governments collapsing or turning to extreme authoritarianism, the steady decay of infrastructure needed to sustain modern industrial society, and so on and so on.

Rather than entertain these apocalyptic fantasies, which are just ploys to promote ridiculous ideas like socialism or public transportation, we should stick to the facts, and remain grounded in the real world. Simply put, the facts say that our current system is completely fine, and only needs minor tweaks to handle the inconvenience that is climate change. This is incontrovertibly true, and anyone who says otherwise are ensnared in their wish-fulfillment fantasy of starving to death in a post-apocalyptic nightmare world ruled by leather daddies in Halloween masks.

For example, if all our topsoil is depleted and the world's arable land is turned into desert, we'll simply put all our farms in nice, glittering skyscrapers, using cutting-edge aeroponics technology and the power of hope. It'll incentivize renewable energy too, since the lights used in vertical farms will be powered by solar power plants, which harvest the sun's energy, unlike leafy edible plants, which don't. Together, we can save our planet and help our economy grow exponentially, forever.

Fighting climate change[edit]

Lowering your carbon footprint[edit]

Consider replacing your roof with a solar roof, maybe even buy an electric scooter for your groundskeeper

Climate change doesn't just come from large corporations and governments, it's also a reflection of your everyday consumer habits. Ultimately, carbon emissions are caused by people buying things, so technically it's all your fault. If you think about it, the corporations are the victim here, forced to pump out greenhouse gasses for the cavorting masses.[5] Thankfully, we can all play our part in stopping climate change by buying different, better, greener, really expensive stuff.

  • Say no to bottled water. Instead, use a carbon-activated water filter to remove impurities in the water. They can be found in special pitchers, or attached to the sink faucet. Be sure to replace the filters regularly.
  • Use reusable shopping bags. Single-use plastics are devastating for the environment. Do you want to make sea turtles cry? You don't, and you won't, if you use reusable shopping bags. Make sure to wash them occasionally. Cloth and canvas bags can be machine-washed, plastic bags can be washed by hand.
  • Use a reusable drinking straw. You can find them at your local superstore, or you can order them on Amazon. Be sure to get those PVC cleaner rods, or else they can start to grow mold or mildew. In a pinch, you can use paper straws, which can also double as emergency catheters.
  • Buy water-saving shower heads. Even though they feel like getting stabbed by a hundred tiny knives, high efficiency shower heads can help you save the environment, and lower your water bill at the same time. Saving the Earth doesn't have to be painful.
  • Buy an electric car. You can lower your carbon footprint, and drive in style, by investing in an electric car. Imagine a world with highways as wide as Rhode Island, filled bumper to bumper with clean, sleek, eco-friendly electric cars, solar-powered outlet malls as far as the eye can see.
  • Compost! Instead of being a human turd and throwing your leftovers in the garbage, you can put your leftover veggies in a compost box. You can use compost in your garden, or eat it like the worm you are.

Institutional change[edit]

No.[6]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. A few billion, technically.
  2. And if you still believe this in 2019, then that's fine, it's okay, you don't need to change, I love you.
  3. It depends on your definition of "expected."
  4. They're titans of industry, great movers and shakers of our society, we suckle on their teats, warm and ever-flowing.
  5. Seriously, why do you keep buying things? Life is about the deeper things, not about silly material objects like food, water, or shelter.
  6. Eat shit.

See also[edit]

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