Bionic Woman
“To think I kissed her there – and there ... and oh there ...”
“We can rebuild her.”
The Bionic Woman was created out of spare human, mostly female, body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a former astronaut-become-lonely-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a pasture from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand.
After her tragic accident, she was asked to join Spider-man but she declined, saying she didn't want to hang around with a bunch of nerdy heroes who would do impossible things to save the world.
Powers[edit | edit source]
Rebuilt by Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, Jaime Summers, aunt of Buffy Summers, had enhanced hearing, a strong right arm, and great legs. Her breasts, however, remained uncommonly small. Faster than a speeding bullet, she was able to leap tall buildings in a single ... no, wait, that was Superman. The Bionic Woman could dazzle people, especially men, with her smile and was an expert flirt. She also looked good in a skirt.
She also had a special bionic sex mode that went at high speed with adjustable internal dimensions to suit organs of different sizes.
Repairs[edit | edit source]
During her first covert mission for Oscar Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas, Nevada, Jaime suffered a blinding headache and the trauma of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Her body, it was found, was rejecting its hymen. Having been returned to the body shop for repairs, Jaime escaped, but Austin, who was also bionic, thanks to a penis implant he'd undergone to cure him of chronic impotence, caught up to her. She was put on ice (literally) and thawed a few weeks later, which, although it made her frigid, cured her. Unfortunately, she developed amnesia and could not remember that she and Austin were lovers.
Max[edit | edit source]
Jaime moved to Hawaii, where she took a job as a school teacher and married a female German shepherd named Max (short for "Maxine"). Taking a lead from the popular Superman soap opera comics, in which there are Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Krypto (a super dog), and a super horse, Jaime had Max's natural jaw and legs replaced with bionic counterparts to create the world's first bionic bitch.
Nemeses[edit | edit source]
Her most tenacious and flirtatious enemies were the Fembots, lesbian androids who, despite Jaime's heterosexuality, would not take "no" for an answer. The Fembots were easily defeated, by playing any K. D. Lang CD or simply introducing them to a cat.
Sex[edit | edit source]
About twice a month Jaime had herself kidnapped as an excuse to use her bionic powers. Despite her frigidity, she came to enjoy being bound and gagged.
She once went to a hair salon to have her hair styled and found herself in the clutches of a Fembot who was washing her hair with a shampoo impregnated with truth serum. The Fembot asked Jaime if she loved women, and Jaime answered, truthfully, that she did. Thereafter she was subjected to additional surgery which equipped her with a detachable phallus; suddenly all her old enemies were her bosom buddies.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
Despite her lesbian leanings Jaime "did the right thing" and married Austin. As a wedding present, Goodman presented Jaime with a bionic clitoris. She and Austin honeymooned at Area 51, a then-secret government base in Nevada.
Television[edit | edit source]
On October 9, 2006, NBC Universal announced that it is remaking the popular series, with new producers and reportedly a radical reworking of the concept. The roles were put up for auction in order to fund actual research.→