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“Ooh, that feels good!”

~ A Stargate after an enormous number of people go through it
Here's a simple algebraic equation that doubles as a recipe for Stargates.
Don't interrupt him in the middle of his backswing.
The original starring cast of Stargate SG-1

A stargate is a decorated [recte gay] gate that allows instantaneous travel between two points in the Universe. This could make a good sci-fi television series with the same basic outline as Star Trek but without having to spend all that money on CG starships; unfortunately, one was already being used by geeks in a "scientific" video journal years earlier. The idea of a fictional series was taken from a blind Jamaican sheep who was eating crumpets while drinking Russian vodka on toast. The first real stargate is currently in the White House under heavy guard by a blind man, a deaf man, an ugly man and PMS. It is used primarily to ... never mind. The second one isn't.

Stargates are made of a strange element not native to Earth called boomtonium which is also known as naquadah (naquada, naqada, whatever). It can be super charged to form a wormhole through space-time connecting it to other stargates, closets, Narnia, lockers and the occasional cage of white mice. It is also used as the exterior hull of Earth's man-made spaceships – a bad choice as it is also used in nuclear weapons. (They almost blow up the earth. Multiple times.)

If you spin the ring on a stargate around properly, it makes all sorts of cool [recte gay] whooshing noises and connects you to whatever stargate is on the other end of the address you just dialed. If you set it to the combination written on the sticker on the back, it will open your locker from tenth grade that you closed with all your notes inside and couldn't remember how to open again. There's also a rumor that if you set it to one combination in particular, it will spontaneously generate a lightly toasted ham and cheese sandwich, then explode violently. If you correctly dial an address, the gate will suck [recte vacuum] energy from the nearest object of great mass, e.g. your mom.

The stargate was designed by American professor The Guyver, who one night found himself locked in a broom closet with only turpentine, several tins of housepaint, a couple rat-traps and a dustpan, and overnight was able to invent a new system for instantaneous travel between planets, as well as the other effects mentioned above. James Spader, Earth's finest actor, decoded the Guyver's secret code and was the first person to put his face into a stargate.

Filmakers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich once claimed to have been the ones who actually designed and built the stargates. The Guyver, on the other hand, claims that he sold his patent to Devlin and Emmerich, only to be told at the time that an instantaneous intergalactic transport system would not be able to sell. Soon afterward, he discovered that multiple operational stargates had been built and set up without his knowledge nor with any credit given to him. The Guyver filed a lawsuit against Devlin and Emmerich, but the case was eventually settled out of court.

On occasion a stargate will transport people into the Thunderdome, causing mothers and basement-dwelling CHUDS alike to chant for more. Stargates are also able to transport any living thing to the ultimate fighting championship held in a large Native American non-flying, fire-breathing dragon.

People who walk through stargates often like to depict themselves as gods to the ignorant and backwards races they encounter, and give themselves funny names like Baal, and Barack "The Bomb" Obama.

Criticism[edit | edit source]

Currently media critics are at loggerheads about the Stargate universe, as it transmits a mixed cultural message. Liberal left wing types for instance point to the highly realistic "good guy" concept in which the military is generally presented as the type of institution any patriot would join, and die for. On the other hand, concerned conservatives point to what they perceive as sexual overtones in the series. For instance the Goa'uld often have homoerotic overtones (their catchphrase "now I will make you gay!" is used to provoke others), whilst the Wraith are perceived as Goth sadomasochism addicts who have an unhealthy fetish, as opposed to confirmed healthy fetishes.

This mixed cultural message has for example led to a ban in France, and Peru. In the case of France the series was banned on the grounds of separation of church and state laws after the sensational fifth series cliff hanger in which a Ned Flanders type attempted to teach the Ten Commandments to the "snakeheads", only to have converted them to the path of "righteousness".

Another criticism by the American Union of Cunning Linguists is that the series continues to be "dumbing down" the linguistic diversity of the galaxy. Unlike the reality TV series Star Trek, Stargate has not devised any new languages with scientifically devised alien scripts and rules – instead all actors speak standard English; some even with an American or a European accent. Others have simply concluded that the union is reeling from the massive increase in unemployment among its members with the recent failure of some high profile series. The union's criticism is only half-correct because whenever Daniel Jackson encounters anything written by dead aliens, he has to spend half an episode translating it, and the other half agonizing about whether he ought to use what he has learned.

The Earth-found stargates[edit | edit source]

There are three stargates found on Earth. Or previously found on Earth. Whatever. The first was the one left here by the Ancients, and was left in some random mountain in Antarctica. The Ancients abandoned it because it no longer worked. But in actuality, they left it there to see if the stupid primates would use it in time. Eventually the U.S. Air Force found it and stole it, and secretly used it many times. This one was eventually blown up by some stupid alien thing, because he "didn't like the way it looked at him". The second one was left here by Ra, the god of the sun, because he accidentally forgot it and was later killed by MacGyver.[1] The third stargate was the wife to Gizro the great and mother of Buce Bomb, in 2005/6, she was abducted by the military because the other stargate wasn't satisfying them.

Dean Devlin actually keeps a fourth stargate in his basement, under a pile of rejected Star Gate movie scripts – but since it is a prototype, without pretty [recte gay] red lights, it doesn't count.

The DHD[edit | edit source]

Stargates are dialed by this funny round thing on a stone pedastal, which is actually metal and not stone. It has thirty-eight buttons despite the fact that the gate has thirty-nine symbols, probably because the guy who built it was on crack. This means it's impossible to dial P3X-797, because it has a thirty-nine-symbol address. Not that you would want to go there. The DHD also has a battery in it. Sometimes it dies and you have to change it. The battery is a 27.2V type CCM6 naquadriah-oxide and is available only from Ancients Direct. The DHD is highly unreliable and frequently does not work. It can be repaired by pushing a reset button, however, the button is usually found to be missing. These buttons are also available from Ancients Direct, but shipping and handling is usually within the multi-million-dollar range, and takes up to a year. It's also known that taking out some of the crystals and blowing on them will resolve some errors with the DHD program which happen quite frequently.

Furthermore, the symbols represent constellations as seen from the Earth or the planet it is on, depending on the episode. All stargates are unique having a point of origin symbol. That symbol still has to be dialed, just to make the point.

There is a cheat code in all DHDs. You need two (2) DHDs and one (1) stargate for this to work. Here's how:

1. Place the first DHD one meter directly in front of the gate.

2. Place the other DHD one meter directly behind the gate.

3. Dial P5X-543 on the front gate and press the red button.

4. Dial 345-X5P on the back gate, and get ready to press the button.

5. In the instant the ka-woosh emerges from the gate and destroys the front DHD, press the button.

6. This will establish a stable wormhole to 000-000 (Milliways).

7. Step through and enjoy your meal.

Note 1: If you press the button on the back DHD too early, it will establish a stable wormhole to 345-X5P (a black hole).

Note 2: If you press the button on the back DHD too late, it will establish an unstable wormhole to P5X-543 (a black hoe or back door or backhoe ad nauseam).

Note 3: You do not want to end up in any of the places mentioned in notes 1 and 2.

Note 4: There is no such thing as too many notes.[2]

Note 5: An instruction must have as many notes as possible.

Note 6: See Note 5.

Note 7: This note is here to meet the "one note per instruction minimum" requirement for proper instruction, per Instructional Guidelines and Requirements, 5 BCE.

Earth itself lacks a DHD so they use a stupid spinny thing with two big clamps and a dialing computer (which frequently explodes, usually injuring Sgt. Syler in the process). Several people have been crushed by the clamps but in seventy-eight years they still have not constructed a proper DHD. Scientists theorize that the reason for this is that the only person who can build it is Samuel L. Jackson-Carter, who is too damn lazy.

Atlantis has quite an unsual DHD. Although Pegasus Galaxy gates don't have rotating inner rings, it uses two big clamps, which turn the entire gate to dial. Critics of the Pegasus gates asserted that this was a step backward in the technology. The designers responded by capping every last one of their asses. Also, the Ancients of the Pegasus galaxy – ancestors of the Ikea designers – made sure their stargate looked more pleasant [recte gay] in a giant city-like base by adding funky blue lights instead of the plain gray symbols usually found in the Milky Way.

A note must be made of the dialing procedure specific to the stargate aboard the Ancient ship Destiny. Like Altantis, it has pretty [recte gay] symbols which light up as it begins to dial. The only major difference is that the ship is really old. This makes it prone to illness. Dialing this gate from any location tends to cause the ship's sinuses to become congested with the strange fluid in the gate. Upon disconnection, the gate will sneeze, blasting air out from the sides, and clearing its sinuses. This can be seen in episodes of Stargate Universe.

Stargates in space are powered by car batteries and dialed by shooting at the desired symbols with drone weapons. Or something like that.

No one really understand why it's called the Dial-Home-Device, because the big rounded button does NOT dial home, as ET discovered in Season 3.

List of stargate addresses[edit | edit source]

Notable stargate addresses in the P3X subnet.

Address Description
P3X-101 Planet 101: Contains all the universe's most hated things.
P3X-112 For use in case of emergencies in Europe and everywhere else outside of the USA in the world.
P3X-147 Snooker Planet: is inhabited by professional snooker players, possessed by Goa'uld who believe in fair play and sportsmanship. The Snooker Goa'uld keep a race of Jaffa known as the Jan Verhaas, notably distinct from other Jaffa because of their white gloves.
P3X-192 The old number for stargate directory enquiries. Now replaced with P3x-118-118.
P3X-232 Connect printers and shit yeo.
P3X-267 Decreases your wanted level.
P3X-343 Has the evil robot from Halo.
P3X-359 Spawns a helicopter in GTA.
P3X-370 The local taxi company.
P3X-403 Contains forbidden pr0n.
P3X-404 Stargate address not found.
P3X-464 Full of Amstrad CPCs.
P3X-490 Chinese takeaway.
P3X-555 This address is used in theatrical productions in case viewers would try to dial a stargate address themselves.
P3X-666 The devil's stargate. Not to be confused with Sokar's stargate address, which is ex-directory.
P3X-777 Casino planet. The house Goa'uld always wins (except when SG-1 do, which is always).
P3X-888 Everyone is subtitled.
P3X-911 For use in case of emergencies.
P3X-999 Used by British personnel, such as Dr. Beckett, in case of emergencies.
P3X-N17 Stargate to the road between Sligo and Galway.
P3X-558 I don't even know
P3X-102 BBC 2
P3X-843 Croyden
P3X-300 Gallifrey
P3X-260 First levels of Quake: An hour's walk from the stargate, there is a dolmen with Shub-Niggurath's priests around. That is the start point of the first Quake level and those priests are the first mobs of the level.
P3X-642 Last levels of Quake: the stargate is in a very hazardous zone where there are more quake adventurers than mobs. Those damned adventurers fight more other adventurers than mobs because they all want to be the one who will kill the Quake final boss and, of course, they all already use rare and unfamiliar weapons which are, by far, more powerfull than the BFG 100K.

Other stargate-like mechanisms[edit | edit source]

Along with the stargate, Jerry O'Connell also invented a smaller verion of the device which allowed his skinny girlfriend, a jive-talking black dude, and a would-be dwarf to "slide" to different versions of San Francisco in assorted parallel dimensions. Unfortunately none of them seemed to realise they were just travelling around to different parts of Vancouver in a really cool way. But they could have used a Taxi.

In Journeyman, a dramatic horror comedy by 18th Century Fox, Kevin McKidd (played by Dan Vasser) travelled through time and space without use of any mechanism. This was felt so un-cool that the show was cancelled in December 2007 after only eleven of its thirteen episodes were shown. It is possible that the other two episodes will be shown in 1985.

List of things a stargate is not[edit | edit source]

  • a bin
  • a toilet
  • a filing cabinet
  • a sex toy (and the inter-dimensional fluid isn't lube)
  • a distributor of Brown's Orthopedic Supplies
  • Sparta

Evolution of Dr. Daniel Jackson[edit | edit source]

The character (also known under the name "Liam Heiderich") was originally played by James Spader. However, the scientist who actually figured out the stargate in real life, Dr. Michael Shanks, grew jealous of the far superior Spader's glory and fame.

Thus on the night of September 12, 1996, (on the set of Stargate Versus McGyver: Vendetta) Shanks killed Spader with eighteen bullets to the ankle, a swift blow to the knee and a Tickle Me Emo doll. Spader's last words were "I eat babies. It establishes me as evil enough for plot holes that allow me back into the story at least once a season through providing immortality. Nyahahaha!"

Shanks then grafted Spaders face onto his own, and got the part playing "Dr. Daniel Jackson" in General Hospital, Stargate and According to Jim.

One time, SG-1 returned home to find everyone at the SGC dead. O'Neill then said: "Oh well, Daniel's died enough fucking times for all of us. Who wants ice cream?"

A Daniel-centered spin-off series was proposed, in which Daniel set out to burn the Wookie Fur Factory, accidentally setting off an angry Chewbacca bent on vengeance against chess players who win against Wookies. The series was cancelled due to Daniel's prior commitments to "Atlantis, The Lost cliché: We Ran Out of Ideas Today", as he chose to spend more time with his lover, Deanna Troi.

The false god Anubis had this to say:

"Jaffa, I can't believe it's not butter! Kree!"

"I should have read that evil overlord list more carefully! Now when I have an itch I have no body to scratch!"

System Lords[edit | edit source]

The galaxy in Stargate is administered by beneficient, impartial System Lords who administer disputes. According to Jimbo Wales, becoming a system lord is no big deal. It seldom involves more than a few hundred planetary battles and can often be completed in less than half a century.

  • Ball the Blue
  • Sulkor the Petulant
  • Chef Ra the Dope Guru
  • Near Tea the Decaffeinated
  • Collie the Sheepdog
  • Amaterasu, the Japanese guy pay five hundred dollar show your ass inter on net
  • Cuminus the Sabe Mas Bueno (the only Goa'uld who has people lined up around the block looking to get his snake in their mouth)
  • Haf4 the obese prostitute
  • Yu the Suck
  • Celine Dion (mentioned only in season 12)
  • Skeletor the unconquerable
  • Gendo Ikari
  • Emperor Palpatine after Darth Vader killed him and came back as anubis
  • The Overload, holder of all things watchable

The Destiny[edit | edit source]

Discovered in 1784 by Norse astronomers and a withering Scottish Shade,[3] the Destiny is an Ancient ship which has been traversing the Universe on a pointless eternal voyage. In the year 2009, Hitler[4] and a bunch of unusually retarded Americans managed to get stuck on the ship when they followed Lucy Pevensie into a wardrobe and shut the door, ostensibly hoping to acquire cheap fur coats to sell to Mexicans and pimps. Finding themselves alone on a fully functional spaceship, they decided by popular vote to use the ship to moon Judeo-Christian values.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Kurt Russell played this part rather crappily, as he didn't once use a paperclip in the whole movie.
  2. Knotes.jpg