Whitley Strieber

Whitley "Whitless" Strieber is a successful writer and occasional drug-user who authored some pretty cool works of gothic sensuality such as The Hunger and The Woffen, a dog training manual. However, Whitley will always be remembered for his recounts of magical journeys and sexual adventures amongst bug-eyed aliens.

Early Career as Gothic Fetish Writer

Whitley Strieber began by writing softcore Erotic thrillers (most of which involving vampires and bondage and lots of descriptions of satin sheets and rope), most successful of which being The Hunger (which was either a thinly disguised retelling of the Donner Party incident or a faction about the private life of David Bowie at his Labyrinth hideout). His stories were so popular that they competed against the likes of Anne Rice, who would later hold a jealous grudge against Whitless. He also happens to be Stephen King, when he got tired of being famous and decided to write even more fucked up shit.

Experimental Phase

Whitley started getting tiring of the Goth-fetish scene, and thought about expanding his horizons. First he made a very daring semi-erotic novel about dog training for the gay market called The Wolfen

He also tackled the world of political tension under the Reagan years in Wargames about young kids who hack into the missile defense system and use it to play asteroids. However, despite these semi-successful experiments, Whitley Strieber was still running for ideas.

Close Encounters of the Perverse Kind

Strieber, tormented by a terrible case of writer’s block, began desperately looking for any avenue of inspiration he could find, eventually turning to hallucinogens.

In Christmas Eve, 1985, Whitley took some spiked eggnog and went out into the woods for inspiration. Unfortunately he collapsed and started seeing a light in the sky and a skinny woman with a pointy chin and sunglasses approach and seduce him.

However, these visions continued, even long after Whitley had taken the drugs, and then even his wife started having them. After hiring a psychologist, who proceeded to utilize hypnotic regression to see whatever his very active mind could recall. What Whitley saw was UGLY as sin!

The young lady turned out to be a sadistic voyeur who, with an army of hooded Smurfs, proceeded to entertain herself by watching Whitley get raped for a few minutes while she prodded him with a glowing hat pin (which probably had a an electrical current coursing through it also), and numerous other kinky adventures. Further details would emerge that revealed that Whitley was actually taking place aboard the Space Needle in Seattle Washington!

Continuing Contact

Whitley would continue having contact with this woman, each time would, thankfully, reveal to be more intellectually stimulating then the last. She would reveal to him that she was actually participating in a spiritual journey! And that he was actually the luckiest man on Earth! She even let him into the ship and revealed that she liked Vaudeville and old Tv broadcasts. He would eventually write these experiences down in his new and perhaps best selling work ever: COMMUNION!

Dollar$ Dollar$ Dollar$!

After the sell of his book, he began receiving many letters from his readers who had similar contacts, thus providing material for a follow-up: Letters To Communion, where he would learn of his that the visitors (whatever they are, but certainly aren’t Aliens!).

Infact, they where with him wherever he when for a time, litereally EVERYWHERE he when, she was always by his side; in the bar, whatching the Tv, on lectures and book signings, practically anywhere he is, so was she, that simple.

Art Bell

Whitley Striber is best friends with Vietnam vet and conspiracy kook, Art Bell. They spend lots of times doing drugs to contact Terrence Mackenna from beyond the grave. Together they would write the blockbuster Day After Tomorrow, about global warming caused by excessive farting. This would be turned into the highest grossing, rave reviewed film of 2004: The Coming Global Superstorm. Whitless was a prominent member of Art's Greek Nights and the Doublewide.

1998: A Busy Year

Whilst taking a vacation to Chicago, Whtley was awoken in his hotel room by a little old man in a trench coat named “Andy” who rushed in and offered much wisdom concerning human history and the upcoming dangers of the future. Whitley would record these sayings and write them down in his new book The Key.

Whitley had an upset during the MUFON conference wherein he had a flashback of his magical experiences, this and the arrival of skeptic and overall well liked UFO personality, Phillip Klass (who was bald, and had a pair of glasses, which probably acted as a catalyst) caused Whitley to become psychotic, few lived to tell the tail.

However the most eventful thing in this was his close relationship with Art Bell eventually landing Whitley the gift that would keep on giving… His own Sunday night radio show!

Whitley Fights Back!!!

In 2030, during the Alien Invasion of Earth during the JesusTron Wars, Whitley was so sick and tired of those goddam aliens probing him that he founded a crack team of human super soldiers called the Religious Right.

Whitley's soldiers have been quite successful in keeping safe the rectums of Earth.

“You MUST Buy These Books! You NEED These Books! They are the Most Valuable Things You Can Purchase….”

Dark Fetishes

• Forbidden Agonies (Anthology about the infernal delights of two suburban goth teens engaging in sleepovers)

• The Hunger (The last vampires on Earth yearn for some hot blood to throb into their doomed lives)

• Purple Moslems of Ecstasy (A phantasmagoric waltz around the arousingly mysterious realm of fabric)

• Dark Desires (Not truly about vampires, but rather, the delightful story of a naughty boy who will stop at nothing to get his hands at the neighbors brownies as they cool on the window sill)

Experimental Stage

• WarGames (Teenage hackers gain control of NORAD to play Dungeons and Dragons)

• The Wolfen (Pure horror ensues in this tale of the goings on within a Gay Leather Bar)

• Billy (Actually, this is kind of hard to pin down, but it seems to have a Dean R. Koontz feel to it).

• Nature’s End (Children’s book that likely inspired Captain Planet)

Communion, Confirmation, and Purgatory

• Communion (The one that started it all)

• The Communion Letters (Other peoples experiences with the little people)

• Breakthrough (More wacky adventures between Whitley and his new friend, who she claims is The One)

• The Secret School (Miss LadyBug’s daycare centre for prophesy and Native American religion)

• Harry Potter Gets an Anal Probe

• Communion II: The Wrath of Khan

• Communion Goes To Maine (with Richard Hooker)

• Communion IV-Left Behind IV (tie ball game, we go into over-time)