Labyrinth
“I've always wanted to go inside a maze!”
“Hi.”
In the mythology of the Greeks, the Labyrinth (Greek: GεΊ ιθζΤ, elaborinth, most likely made by a nutjob artist with too much time on his hands) was an elaborate structure (as elaborate as Charlie Sheen's brain mapping, if not even more so) designed by legendary autistic, er- artistic Daddylust for King Minos of Crete at Knossos. Which in fact, compared to the labyrinth's insides, was a puzzling name. This could have been all fun and games had the King on Concrete not decided to spice things up by adding a challenge: a beast from the Underworld which he found far into the depths of his own backyard: the Minotaur.
But... Why?[edit | edit source]
To find the most valorous gent in the whole of Greece of course! The King had grown tired of watching musclemen compete in the Olympics and the all-the-snakes-you-can-eat contests, something new and exhilarating had to take place. The King, as much as he was a humanist and a philanthropist, was also a voyeur, so he ordered for peepholes to be strategically placed in the stone walls to, as he put it, "Watch bravery in action". He did indeed see a lot of guts, mainly when the Minotaur found the valiant hero and shredded him to pieces faster than a wood chipper. Let's now see in details how some of the most tenacious heroes fared.
Kratos[edit | edit source]
Nicknamed "The God of War", Kratos stood a 2/33 chance of defeating the Minotaur according to the Athens' bookmakers. He eagerly ventured into the labyrinth, slaying a few ghouls as a warm-up, but he quickly realised that the limited width of the corridors made for difficult chopping as he was armed with swords hanging from chains, and he was in the habit of swinging the metal wildly, forming circles 20 yards in diameter. Nevertheless, Kratos made it to the Minotaur, or the Minotaur made it to him. The scuffle was intense but brief: Kratos was going for the head but missed by inches, giving the Minotaur a peculiar new haircut. The Minotaur replied the only way he knew, throwing Kratos around to knock him out before eating him with a bottle of red wine. The King, watching through the peephole, grunted: "That was not even competitive. Go and query the Hulk, lemmings!"
The Incredible Hulk[edit | edit source]
The Incredible Hulk, AKA Bruce Banner was one of the most competitive competition entrees. When the Minotaur pissed off Bruce, well, things got green and messy. Soon, after many punches and lunches, the Hulk was defeated and the King was upset that the Hulk couldn't man up and show the ugly Minotaur its place. A famous line rumbled after this, where upon the King exclaimed "My, oh my! Round up the remaining Avengers and let's get down and dirty!"
Thor[edit | edit source]
Another member of this pathetic crazy competition was Thor, who was out of this world. Thor's advantage was like that of cheat codes, in which he could tap his slammer hammer into a wall's weak spot and bust open his own path to victory. However, the Minotaur proved to be a challenge. When Thor and the Minotaur clashed, the Minotaur never flinched upon getting bitch-slapped pummeled in the face with the powerful hammer over three hundred times. Thor got tired, offered a truce, and then was killed with a fatal blow.
The King remained unhappy, one of the Avengers would prove capable, he thought.
Iron Man[edit | edit source]
For he is Iron Man! The King summoned Iron Man and shouted "Gear up, motherfucker, you're goin' to the labyrinth, BOI!!!!" Will he live or die?
Now a trip inside this wonder[edit | edit source]
