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“Hi, Billy maze here!”

~ Billy Mays on misunderstanding articles

“Yip yip yip”

~ Epididymis the Dwarf on The Labyrinth

At some point in your life, you may find yourself surrounded by walls on several sides. When this occurs, you have a 10% chance of surviving the terrible ordeal that lies ahead of you. You may wonder to yourself, “Where am I?” You are in a Maze, which is one of the most annoying and dangerous weapons ever invented.

Aliens from Pluto attempt to create the Maze. They succeed but the difficulty is very low.

What Is a Maze?[edit | edit source]

The Maze originated in the foothills of Mesopotamia, where aliens from Pluto created the first maze from a wheat field in 2100 B.C. Thousands of years later, it had evolved into a complex killing machine. These mazes still wander the world, annoying the heck out of anyone it captures within its walls. If you do not escape its grasps, you will be devoured.

Mazes exist worldwide, but they concentrate mainly around tourist areas, migrating constantly. Each maze has a detachable root that, when migrating, is used as the maze's sole foot, elevating the maze up to 20 feet above the ground. When a maze has chosen its mating site, it begins to rotate on its root, burrowing until it reaches bedrock, then arranging its signs and foliage to become attractive to prey.

Life Cycle of the Maze[edit | edit source]

The life of the Maze can be summarized into distinct stages: Beginner, Intermediate, and Expert.

The newly born maze. Not very complex.

Beginner: These mazes are usually very simple, requiring little to no effort to escape. The maze will grow every time it consumes prey. As a consequence, most of the prey captured at this stage is either not human or very, very stupid.

Not too difficult. Notice the green peach fuzz growing signifying puberty.

Intermediate: When a maze reaches a certain size and difficulty, it becomes an intermediate maze. This is also the period in which puberty begins. Mazes begin growing at an alarming rate, drastically increasing its own difficulty. Green fuzz appears, analogous to facial hair in humans.

Extremely Dangerous! This maze ate a large stegosaurus.

Expert: The most lethal of common mazes, expert mazes are extremely difficult to escape from. The boundaries have become full-fledged walls, which are nearly impassible. Also, the expert maze will employ diagonals and swirls to further confuse its victim. These can be used to distract the maze's victim by surprising it. Experts are also sexually capable and will mate with other experts. Immense: The several recorded "immense" cases of mazes are not well documented, but since a maze contains an infinite amount of aqua vitae, it is not improbable that mazes could grow to the supposed "immense" variety. However, destruction of the remaining "immense" mazes is underway, and it is very improbable that you might encounter one in the wild.

Maze Mating Process[edit | edit source]

Since all mazes are hermaphrodites, any 2 experts can mate.

  1. Mazes begin their complicated mating dance of swaying walls.
  2. Mazes draw nearer and push and pull on each other.
  3. In the final movement of their dance, each maze breaks an entire side open.
  4. The 2 mazes fuse together, becoming one organism.
  5. When the dancing ritual is completed, 1/3 of the new maze buds off into 50 or so beginner mazes. Each of these mazes has a temporary growth on its center, resembling either a propeller or Mariah Carrey, that will become its root. The newborn mazes then rotate until they take off the ground, traveling up to 500 miles, dropping off excess weight, then moving another 500 miles and planting itself into the ground. This has given rise to the famous cult topiary song "500 Miles".

Species of Mazes[edit | edit source]

Common Maze- The Common maze resembles a wall of hedge. Found worldwide.

Inconvenience Maze- This is one of the more annoying mazes. The Inconvenience is always stationary and usually grows in front of bathrooms, hospitals, and freeways, causing great discomfort, panic, and traffic jams. Found in Ireland.

When you need to go to the bathroom, it will be there waiting for you.

Box Maze- The Box maze is in the shape of a cube and has mazes that run on all 6 sides. Found in Argentina.

Downunder Maze- The Downunder has a peculiar habit of throwing boomerangs at its victims, making it the only long-range type maze. Found in Australia.

M.C. Escher Maze- Named after the brilliant artist, the Escher maze defies all laws of gravity and perception. Escher and his family were caught in such a maze in 1972. Found in Denmark.

M.C. Escher Maze - This baby rapes reality and breaks all known laws of nature.

Aryan Maze- The Aryan maze is the only discriminatory maze of its kind. It targets only Nazis and Aryans, as they have “superior” flesh. Found in Germany and most plentiful during WWII.

Impossible Maze- It is impossible to escape from this species. Also known as the Bermuda Triangle. Found in Kittenolivia.


Screamer Internet Maze This maze can be found on lots of websites. It turns from easy to impossible when you you complete two levels. On the third level, if you fail the terrifying face of Regan Macneil pops out, because you know, you made her angry. SHAME ON YOU!

Lady of Pain Maze This type of maze is a demiplane created by a entity that killed Aoskar the God of Portals, and she puts any berks that try to pray for one her dolls. Found in Catspace.

French Maze This is a maze found exclusively in France, growing only about 9 feet per year. The French maze is also known for its scenic fountains within, coupled with a lingering scent of baguettes. This maze targets mainly newly married couples in their twenties, specifically tourists. However, if threatened with pop art or tasteless jokes, will open up and vigorously spit the offending food out.

Labyrinth This is a underground thing and if you need to pee, the toilet is right under you. There is also a little Bull-guy awaits you. CHOMP and you're gone. Isn't that a-MAZE-ing?

see impossible maze above

Tactics of the Maze[edit | edit source]

Mazes employ a number of techniques in order to catch their prey

  1. Open Wall Trap- A maze will temporarily open one of its walls and wait for unsuspecting people to wander in. Once the victim has entered, the walls snap shut, closing the opening. This tactic was first publicized in the famous Harry Potter series during the Triwizard Tournament.
  2. Drugging- A variation of the Open Wall Trap; when inside an Open Wall Trap, the outer walls secrete LSD, knocking out the prey.
  3. Baiting- Most mazes carry an appendage that resembles a hundred dollar bill. Gullible prey will run after this pseudo-money and go straight into an Open Wall Trap.
  4. Save The Child- (Only found in Expert mazes) Similar to baiting. The maze forms part of its walls into a hemisphere, which freely vibrates in strong winds and mimics the sound of a child crying. Those who wander in to save the lost child are devoured. The maze may also emit the sounds of ice cream trucks, although this can be avoided by trimming the hedge's fuzz regularly.

Escape From the Maze[edit | edit source]

There exists only 3 ways to escape from a maze.

  1. If you happen to have fire at the moment, you can burn your way through the hedges.
  2. If you did not have the foresight to pack flamethrowers, place your hand on either the right or left wall and never let go. Walk until you find you way out.
  3. Look carefully on the floor. If you find a Four-leaf clover, you can wish your way out.

If nothing else works, throw a tantrum. It won't help, but it will be fun.

The hunting Tactics of a Maze[edit | edit source]

Words are for the weak, so watch this instead

Special surprises[edit | edit source]

Some computer mazes have special surprises waiting for the people who wade through them: They learn that there is a very special surprise...

See Also[edit | edit source]