Thor
- This article is about the norse god and superhero celebrity. For other uses, see Thor (disambiguation).
“Thor-Tastic!!!”
Thor is an old Norse god: Þór. He is the SON OF ODIN! He stood as the red-haired and bearded god of thunder in Norse Mythology and that was worshiped in ancient Germanic society, with his hammer Mjollnir (Which was actually a suit of futuristic armor used to further boost his status as a God, the hammer was just a cover up from the Jews), to strike lightning upon the earth, whose blow is resounded as the earsplitting thunder that tears the sky. His celestial duty was to protect the heavenly City of Asgard where all other gods made residence. His main responsibility is to protect this Unclyclopedia page from being edited by freaky canadian weirdos. How do you like them apples? The usual response from the "Canadian weirdo" is: I like them apples a lot, EH?
Complete Destruction of Existence[edit | edit source]
Not too long ago someone found some frozen, ancient poems and thawed them out. As written in these soggy scrolls: Thor was introduced in the world as the son of Odin and Jörd (Earth). During the destruction of the earth, called Ragnarök, Thor fiercely battled Jörmungandr, a celestially giant serpent that is coiled within the earth, keeping it together. Eventually the two supernaturals kill each other, in an epic battle where they ultimately destroy existenceand also make for a great screenplay. But then the almighty THOR came back to life in a comic book causing all the nerds of the world to shriek in joy. He kicks major ass and can defeat galactus. His dick is larger than mine and larger than yours. Actually his dick is bigger than all other dicks combined times raptor-jesus's lifespan. His beard is second to Johan Hegg's beard, the all powerful entity of the omniverse.
Beer and Women[edit | edit source]
Many of the surviving stories about Thor center on the duties of a god of thunder and his passion for drinking, women. But mostly women and occasionally touching himself in public. His wife's name was Sif, a woman that possessed glorious golden hair, which was made for her by the dwarves after a tricky bastard called Loki had cut off her hair.
Thor was also worshiped for his game. As the legends state, he often enjoyed furious sexual relations with other goddesses, and human women alike. He loved having half a dozen beautiful golden bitches that lay strewn about the glorious celestial heavens. But, when the gods came back from work, the goddesses had to stay away. Thor was fortunate that they went to work every day. When he had no goddess to satiate him, he would walk upon the earth and find a suitable woman, and whisk her into the sky. Thor had a mistress, Járnsexig, and they had a son named Magni Magnisson. With his wife Sif he had his daughter Agneðrúdr; this birth was the first male pregnancy. However, there is nothing in the myths that identifies the mother of his last son Múdiblús.
Thunderous Thor[edit | edit source]
Thor was a sex god of rock and roll and his guitar was actually one of the autobots which was also known as fondleme. So Thor spent his days rocking up Asgard with his jet black guitar which could transform into a Pepsi can and quench his thirst which sometimes he used as a urinal too because Asgardian toilets had no janitors. The Janitors used to be Valkyrie women but they all ended up as Loki, the god of mischief's sex slaves.
Thor was not only thunderous in that manner but he also shared a good friendship with both Tarzan and King Kong(the gay one). He once had a squabble with Kid Rock and Tarzan over who was going to adopt King Kong and eventually Tarzan won because he had giant bananas. Kid Rock went on to become a surprisingly useless rocker who worshiped the Devil and Thor eventually gave up on King Kong and sought after other apes like Steven Tyler.
Thor can control thunder, which is non-lethal sound made when lightning hits the ground. As a result, Thor "god of thunder" is considered a puny god.
Rivalry with half-brother Loki[edit | edit source]
In a survey of competitors at the 2008 World's Strongest Man Competition, 110% of those surveyed stated that Thor is the Norse god whom they would most enjoy having a beer with. Upon confirming these seemingly impossible results, the jealous Loki stated that he didn't care because "he was more of a wine guy anyways" and he merely seemed upset because he had to put his dog to sleep earlier that day. However, Loki later posted on his Twitter page: "why duz evrybody think thor is so tight? he's a dick when hes drunk and im way funier!!! mortalz r lame..."
Thor is the god of hammers[edit | edit source]
In the case Thor v. Zeus heard at the New York City Lower Municipal Court in 1545 A.D. it was decided that Zeus had been using the title "Hammer God" illegally. He was forced to pay a hefty fine which was increased when Zeus screamed "Η μητέρα σας έρχεται σε σεξουαλική επαφή όπως ένα λιμοκτονώντας κουνέλι!" at the judge. The aforementioned cased was cited in Ajisukitakahikone v. Gebeleizis which we all know led to the collapse of the economic infrastructure of Atlantis.
Thor as an Actor and Death[edit | edit source]
With Marvel rushing out Comic Book Movie after comic Book movie, it was only a matter of time before Thor also got a movie of his own. He was in the middle of discussing a 10 million dollar deal when he was shot in the back by Boba Fett under the pay of Mickey Mouse during the 2009 Marvel Buy out. That only caused a flesh wound however. He later committed suicide after participating in the cult Creed.
