Rocket Raccoon

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~ Rocket Raccoon when people say how cute "that raccoon" looks

“That puppy-dog is so CUTE it MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!”

~ Mantis on Rocket

Rocket Raccoon is what happens when you give a raccoon a jetpack, give it a high level of badass, and plant explosives in its mouth. Verbal explosives that would make anybody want to die.

Hobbies[edit | edit source]

  1. Stealing batteries
  2. Insulting ugly queens that deserve the insult
  3. Insulting everybody
  4. Being a pro turd maker
  5. Being a pro dick

Birth[edit | edit source]

Was born one day by a raccoon. He lived a normal raccoon life. Raided the trash, swearing, shitting, making lots of noise, fucking, shitting, and swearing. And that is just 5 seconds of his early life.

Next[edit | edit source]

5 seconds after his birth, his life would never be the same again. He became a bounty hunter. They just gave him a jetpack, super weapons, and verbally-enhancing cybernetic implants that instantly made him a badass. You know, the usual.

Apparently there's some story about how he was an experiment and made friends with three freaks: Teefs, Lyla, and Wheels. While it's all true, we don't know that since Rocket hasn't told us yet.

Bounty hunter life[edit | edit source]

In case you don't know what the fuck a bounty hunter is, go to hell.

In his first assignment, he was to capture a hobo who had a fancy, shiny stone. He somehow also found a tree monster. They had fun together. When they were satisfied, they went to find the hobo.

That went south pretty quickly. Not only did it get him a two way trip to jail, but his tree friend, the hobo, and some random green girl got sent to jail too.

His life[edit | edit source]

After a failed prison escape that got them, their new crew (which included some stupid idiot who took all the credit for Rocket's plan), out of prison, the crew did a variaty of things.

The complete list of stuff he did that is in recorded history is (you migt want to take a deep breath before reading this out loud): killing Ronan, stealing batteries, putting turds under your pillow, dancing, fucking, talking, eating, killing, running from pirates, chasing pirates, running from them again, insulting pirates, telling mini groot to cut somebody's toe off, swearing, killing, escaping angry queens, escaping random queers, talking to god, killing god, saving the universe from destruction from god, killing god again for the final time, holding a funeral for a pirate who kidnapped the hobo as a child - not that he deserved it really, helping to save the universe again fom Thanos, helping the god of thunder get some screaming goats, acting cool in the skull of a dead god, acting cool in general, getting shot by a man with gold skin, dies, dreams of his past in his death, acting cool in his dreams of the past, comes back to life, eats a turd, acts cool, then beats the shit out of a talking dog.

After this[edit | edit source]

What happens after that is unknown as whatever happens next happens way after you read this.