User:Zana Dark/Turd

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King Seamus the Turd making away with the spoils after slaying Ronald Reagan.

King Seamus 'the Turd' III (1313-1331) was Emperor of Antarctica. Seamus the Turd, or simply 'Turd' as he was commonly known, also served as the Duke of Diarrhea, the Sultan of Scatology, and (duh) King of Crap.

The legacy and decline of Turd[edit]

In 1321, Seamus the Turd's father, King Ordure of the South Pole died of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and based on a mandate in Antarctican law regarding "..death involving the divine act of rectal cleansing," Turd would surpass even his great father's foosteps to become King of All Things Fecal.

The Turdish uprising and the founding of Turdistan[edit]

So legendary was Seamus the Turd that subsequent Turds would not be able to live up to his legacy of fecal prowess, creating a large portion of the population proclaiming loyalty to so-called "Turdish" ideologies. During his rule, Seamus also led a charter that sailed east from Antarctica where they established a small nation known as Turdistan. Turdistan existed as an independent nation for over five-hundred years before being merged into the Union of Serious Assholes conglomerate in a hostile takeover bid. Alas, the Turdish Legacy lives on today in spirit. Whenever someone takes a dump in a pool, it is said that "The Turds are invading."

He insisted it was there when he arrived.

The inevitable purging of King Turd[edit]

In 1331, Turd faced the most difficult challenge of his reign, when during an annual congo-style parade where the king followed closely behind the beloved royal family elephant, the previously constipated elephant finally let loose its stool and suffocated the king under nearly 200 pounds of dung.


The lesser known Peter Turd[edit]

Little is known about Peter Turd from the 1400's, inventor of the butt plug; but recent studies conclude that skid marks in the petrified pants of Peter, found frozen in a glacier, suggest that he had the rare ability to launch an atomic fart blast with a radius of up to 300 meters. It is believed this is the real threat faced by Japan in WW2. To this date, there has only been one larger attempt at a turd blast, which is theorized to be the cause of the "Big Bang." Peter's sizable turds made him a god among people.

A monument to the largest of Peter's Turdish achievements can now be found as the tombstone of his grave-site which is frozen over on the family plot down at the South Pole.

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See also[edit]

  • The shits - the production and management of turds
  • Turd burger - the nefarious acquisition of turds
  • Poop Cuisine - the consumption of turds
  • Scatomancy - divination involving the examination and evaluation of turds