Poop tree

A Poop Tree in full bloom

The Poop Tree is a type of tree that produces poop. It has been praised throughout human civilization, but most people don't know they exist. Poop trees are the reason for reality itself. Without Poop Trees the very fabric of space and time would become unwoven and nothing would exist, not even nothing.

Description

The Poop Tree looks just like any other tree, except in the winter poop grows from its bark. To experience a Poop Tree in bloom is a sight to behold. And what's even more incredible is the smell. Simply breathtaking.

How a tree becomes a Poop Tree

In order for a tree to become a Poop Tree it must be first chosen by the Poop Gods. If They think a tree is worthy to become a Poop Tree They will contact a spiritual medium, who then sends forth a Sploding Woodpecker to inspect the tree. If the tree splodes, the tree was not suitable to become a Poop Tree; if the Woodpecker splodes, the tree becomes a Poop Tree. You see, it works like this; the Sploding Woodpecker – an ancient mythical creature carefully guarded by the secret Poop Society for many millennia – injects the holy Poop Power into the tree, and if the tree cannot handle the sheer awesomeness of the power it is unsuitable and will splode; otherwise the Woodpecker activates the self-destruct mechanism encoded in its DNA and splodes in a wave of colorful diarrhea.

A team of Poop Tree cultivators and researchers tend to the Sploding Woodpeckers and actively monitor their actions. They are a special group of men chosen by the Poop Gods for the holy mission of pooping on trees that the Woodpeckers have deemed suitable to become Poop Trees. The Poop Trees then assimilate the scientists' poop and evolve into Poop Trees. Once they (trees, not scientists) bloom, new Sploding Woodpeckers will erupt from their (the trees', not the birds') blossoms and the poop cycle begins anew. (Whew.)

Uses

The Poop Tree has been praised for millennia for its syrupy sap, which is harvested off the tree's bark and collected in buckets, then used as a dip, spread on toast or distilled into delicious deadly chemical weapons (or directly deployed) on Middle Eastern fronts.

Regular Poop Trees have become endangered, as the Gods have grown very picky about the men whom They're willing to trust to poop on Their trees. This is because the Poop Tree Cultivation & Research team has ongoing trust issues with their employees, some of whom work as double agents for Google and have their own devious plans. Meanwhile the Gods found more trustworthy allies among the race of horses, and another breed of Poop Tree is now more common: the Horse Poop Tree. The Horse Poop Tree blooms when a horse poops on a tree. Karmically, the sap from the Horse Poop Tree is not nearly as good as that from the regular Poop Tree.

Google and Poop Trees

HP Sauce®

HP stands for horse poop. HP Sauce is sap that comes from Horse Poop Trees. The company that makes HP Sauce is also owned by Google. Google will blur out their Poop Trees on streetview to stop people from seeing the cameras they've put in them. Google also owns a lot of regular Poop Trees, but those greedy bastards take all the poop for themselves.

What to do if you find a Poop Tree that has not been enslaved by Google

If you find a Poop Tree that has not been enslaved by Google, you must go to your local sewage treatment plant. The sewage treatment plant is actually where the Poop Government does their business. You may think it's only for treating sewage, but that is what Google wants you to believe. Like c'mon, think about it, who would want to treat sewage? If you do not know the location of your local sewage treatment plant, you cannot look it up, I repeat, DO NOT LOOK IT UP. Google will detect the search. So you need a reason to be looking up the location of the sewage treatment plant, otherwise, why else would you be looking up the location of the sewage treatment plant, unless you found a Poop Tree. A good excuse to look up the location of the treatment plant is to flush something of yours that is highly valuable, water resistant, and will fit down a toilet. Now you have the perfect excuse, you need to look up the location of the sewage plant to retrieve your item. Once you know the location of the plant (making sure none of Google's spies are watching you), collect some poop from the Poop Tree you have found to be tested. The molecular structure of Poop Tree Poop is very different than that of Not Poop Tree Poop. Now once you have arrived at your local treatment plant, submit you poop for testing and fill out the toiletpaperwork and your Poop Tree will be safe from the evil clutches of Google, as it will be officially recognized by the Poop Government.