Your daughter

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One of these girls is your daughter. If you don't know which one, no amount of family counseling will help you.

“I hate you. You've ruined my life. I wish I'd never been born!”

“Even I've been there!”

“This place sucks. I totally hate it here.”

“Thanks to you, she's turning into a little slut.”

~ your mom on your daughter

“Thanks for letting her turn into such a slut!”

~ your daughter's prom date on your daughter

Originally conceived as a way to save your crumbling marriage, your daughter has since provided you with years of anxiety, anguish, and self-doubt. Your troubles began when just hours after a long and laborious birth, relatives and neighbors began commenting on her uncanny resemblance to the mailman. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, you tried to provide her with all of the privileges and luxuries you were denied as a child. You thought that by nurturing her self-esteem and fostering her independent spirit, you would raise a confident, intelligent young woman. But in the end, you realized that you had spawned a whiny, ungrateful bitch.

Your Daughter Through the Years[edit]

1971[edit]

After discovering a golden ticket in a candy bar, your daughter is invited to tour a chocolate factory. While arguing with the factory's owner over the acquisition of a certain golden-egg-laying goose, she screams and consequently is thrown down a garbage chute.

1982[edit]

After moving to a beautiful new home in Suburbia, your family is startled one morning to find your daughter staring owl-eyed into your TV screen, announcing, "They're heeerree." After losing her inside a walk-in closet, you call upon the help of a throaty-voiced female dwarf, who eventually brings your daughter back home.

That same year, your daughter begins feeding Reese's Pieces to an alien hiding in your backyard. The alien uses your long distance service to "phone home," and soon afterwards, the government quarantines your house.

1986[edit]

You are rotting in a federal prison while your daughter bangs this guy.

Your daughter begins working in an independent record store owned by a slutty Southern fruitcake. One day she meets a rich preppie who courts her and eventually asks her to the prom. Her geeky New Wave friend Duckie becomes incredibly jealous, but she callously ignores his pain and sews herself a trashy pink prom dress so that she can bang that rich kid in his parents' stable.

1989[edit]

You and your daughter live in Seattle, where you've been secretly embezzling money from the residents of the nursing home you own. On the day that your daughter graduates, she begins dating a socially inept kickboxer named Lloyd, who eventually bangs her and then stands outside her bedroom window with a boom box that plays a Peter Gabriel song.

1994[edit]

For you, life is not a box of chocolates when your daughter spends a decade experimenting with pot and cocaine, only to return to Greenbow, Alabama to bang a mentally challenged Vietnam vet who grew up next door.

1997[edit]

Finally, your daughter dons a corset and rides first-class aboard a luxury liner bound for a voyage across the North Atlantic. While trolling for cock in the steerage section of the ship, she meets a poor starving artist named Jack Dawson, who sketches your daughter in the nude. Eventually, the luxury liner sinks, and your daughter floats on a piece of wreckage until she can be rescued. She spends the rest of her life as a porn star.

2007[edit]

Your daughter with different color eyes is bitten by a infected person in a subway in England, luckily she has immunities which prevent her from falling under the sickness so she is able to evacuate saving her own ass, 28 weeks later she unleashes the disease on the mainland.

A Guide to Your Daughter's Current Sexual Activity[edit]

Yes, even E.T. is getting some from your daughter.
These guys are waiting in line to bang your daughter.
  • If your daughter is Muslim, she is currently getting banged by a Jewish kid.
  • If your daughter is Baptist, she is not banging anyone, but she has gone down on an entire fraternity at her Bible college.
  • If your daughter is Catholic, she is currently getting banged by the bartender at an Irish pub near her dorm.
  • If your daughter is Hispanic, she is currently getting banged by an entire Mexican street gang. And every man at church. Even the pedophile priest.
  • If your daughter is white, she is currently getting banged by a big black guy named Leon.
  • If your daughter is black, it's none of your damn business who she's with, and you must be trippin' if you think she's gonna tell you.
  • If your daughter is underage, she is currently getting banged by a Vampire.

Daughters[edit]

Your daughter will start off looking cute and adorable from the ages 0-12. When she hits those teen years, she'll be goth and become one of the "bitches" in your life.

"Family members"
Parents and children: My mother - Your mother - My father - Your father - Parents - My daughter - Your daughter - My son - Your son

Siblings and half-siblings: My sister - Your sister - My brother - Your brother - My half-sister - Your half-sister - My half-brother - Your half-brother

Grandparents and grandchildren: My grandmother - Your grandmother - Your grandmother of underwear - My grandfather - Your grandfather - My granddaughter - Your granddaughter - My grandson - Your grandson

Too much ancestors and descendants: My great-grandmother - Your great-grandmother - My great-grandfather - Your great-grandfather - My great-granddaughter - Your great-granddaughter - My great-grandson - Your great-grandson - My great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-grandmother - My great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-grandfather - My great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-grandson - Your great-great-grandson - My great-great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-great-grandmother - My great-great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-great-grandfather - My great-great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-great-grandson - Your great-great-great-grandson

Collateral relatives: My aunt - Your aunt - My uncle - Your uncle - My niece - Your niece - My nephew - Your nephew - My grandaunt - Your grandaunt - My granduncle - Your granduncle - My grandniece - Your grandniece - My grandnephew - Your grandnephew - My great-grandaunt - Your great-grandaunt - My great-granduncle - Your great-granduncle - My great-grandniece - Your great-grandniece - My great-grandnephew - Your great-grandnephew - My great-great-grandaunt - Your great-great-grandaunt - My great-great-granduncle - Your great-great-granduncle - My great-great-grandniece - Your great-great-grandniece - My great-great-grandnephew - Your great-great-grandnephew - My half-aunt - Your half-aunt - My half-uncle - Your half-uncle - My half-niece - Your half-niece - My half-nephew - Your half-nephew - My half-grandaunt - Your half-grandaunt - My half-granduncle - Your half-granduncle - My half-grandniece - Your half-grandniece - My half-grandnephew - Your half-grandnephew

Friends: My friend - Your friend - My best friend - Your best friend

Members of the family who we have no opinion: My 1C1R - Your 1C1R - My 1C2R - Your 1C2R - My aunt-in-law - Your aunt-in-law - My uncle-in-law - Your uncle-in-law - My niece-in-law - Your niece-in-law - My nephew-in-law - Your nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your grandaunt-in-law - My granduncle-in-law - Your granduncle-in-law - My grandniece-in-law - Your grandniece-in-law - My grandnephew-in-law - Your grandnephew-in-law - My stepaunt - Your stepaunt - My stepuncle - Your stepuncle - My stepgrandaunt - Your stepgrandaunt - My stepgranduncle - Your stepgranduncle - My stepniece - Your stepniece - My stepnephew - Your stepnephew - My stepgrandniece - Your stepgrandniece - My stepgrandnephew - Your stepgrandnephew - My co-aunt-in-law - Your co-aunt-in-law - My co-uncle-in-law - Your co-uncle-in-law - My co-niece-in-law - Your co-niece-in-law - My co-nephew-in-law - Your co-nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your co-grandaunt-in-law - My co-granduncle-in-law - Your co-granduncle-in-law - My co-grandniece-in-law - Your co-grandniece-in-law - My co-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-grandnephew-in-law - My half-1C1R - Your half-1C1R - My sesqui-1C1R - Your sesqui-1C1R - My double-1C1R - Your double-1C1R - My 1C1R-in-law - Your 1C1R-in-law - My half-1C1R-in-law - Your half-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-1C1R-in-law - My double-1C1R-in-law - Your double-1C1R-in-law - My co-1C1R-in-law - Your co-1C1R-in-law - My half-co-1C1R-in-law - Your half-co-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - My double-co-1C1R-in-law - Your double-co-1C1R-in-law - My stepaunt-in-law - Your stepaunt-in-law - My stepuncle-in-law - Your stepuncle-in-law - My stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your stepgrandaunt-in-law - My stepgranduncle-in-law - Your stepgranduncle-in-law - My stepniece-in-law - Your stepniece-in-law - My stepnephew-in-law - Your stepnephew-in-law - My stepgrandniece-in-law - Your stepgrandniece-in-law - My stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your stepgrandnephew-in-law - My co-stepaunt-in-law - Your co-stepaunt-in-law - My co-stepuncle-in-law - Your co-stepuncle-in-law - My co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - My co-stepgranduncle-in-law - Your co-stepgranduncle-in-law - My co-stepniece-in-law - Your co-stepniece-in-law - My co-stepnephew-in-law - Your co-stepnephew-in-law - My co-stepgrandniece-in-law - Your co-stepgrandniece-in-law - My co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - My 1C2R-in-law - Your 1C2R-in-law - My co-1C2R-in-law - Your co-1C2R-in-law - My 2C1R - Your 2C1R - My 2C1R-in-law - Your 2C1R-in-law - My co-2C1R-in-law - Your co-2C1R-in-law - My great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-granduncle-in-law - My great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-grandniece-in-law - My great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-grandnephew-in-law - My step-1C1R - Your step-1C1R - My step-1C1R-in-law - Your step-1C1R-in-law - My co-step-1C1R-in-law - Your first co-step-1C1R-in-law - My great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-great-granduncle-in-law - My great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-great-grandniece-in-law - My great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My 1C3R - Your 1C3R - My 1C3R-in-law - Your 1C3R-in-law - My co-1C3R-in-law - Your co-1C3R-in-law - My 2C2R - Your 2C2R - My 2C2R-in-law - Your 2C2R-in-law - My co-2C2R-in-law - Your co-2C2R-in-law - My 3C1R - Your 3C1R - My 3C1R-in-law - Your 3C1R-in-law - My co-3C1R-in-law - Your co-3C1R-in-law

Members of the family for sexual bitching: My cousin - Your cousin - My girlfriend - Your girlfriend - My fiancée - Your fiancée - My wife - Your wife - Lover - Hook up - Affair - Crush - Boyfriend - Fiancé - Husband - My sister-in-law - Your sister-in-law - My brother-in-law - Your brother-in-law - My co-sister-in-law - Your co-sister-in-law - My co-brother-in-law - Your co-brother-in-law - My cousin-in-law - Your cousin-in-law - My co-cousin-in-law - Your co-cousin-in-law - My stepsister - Your stepsister - My stepbrother - Your stepbrother - My stepcousin - Your stepcousin - My 2C - My 2C - My secretary - Your secretary - My intern - Your intern - My stepsister-in-law - Your stepsister-in-law - My stepbrother-in-law - Your stepbrother-in-law - My co-stepsister-in-law - Your co-stepsister-in-law - My co-stepbrother-in-law - Your co-stepbrother-in-law - My half-cousin - Your half-cousin - My sesqui-cousin - Your sesqui-cousin - My double-cousin - Your double-cousin - My half-sister-in-law - Your half-sister-in-law - My half-brother-in-law - Your half-brother-in-law - My half-co-sister-in-law - Your half-co-sister-in-law - My half-co-brother-in-law - Your half-co-brother-in-law - My half-2C - Your half-2C - My sesqui-2C - Your sesqui-2C - My double-2C - Your double-2C - My sester-2C - Your sester-2C - My triple-2C - Your triple-2C - My sesqua-2C - Your sesqua-2C - My quadruple-2C - Your quadruple-2C - My 2C-in-law - Your 2C-in-law - My co-2C-in-law - Your co-2C-in-law - My stepcousin-in-law - Your stepcousin-in-law - My co-stepcousin-in-law - Your co-stepcousin-in-law - My half-cousin-in-law - Your half-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-cousin-in-law - My double-cousin-in-law - Your double-cousin-in-law - My half-co-cousin-in-law - Your half-co-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - My double-co-cousin-in-law - Your double-co-cousin-in-law - My step-2C - Your step-2C - My 3C - Your 3C - My 3C-in-law - Your 3C-in-law - My co-3C-in-law - Your co-3C-in-law - My step-2C-in-law - Your step-2C-in-law - My co-step-2C-in-law - Your co-step-2C-in-law - My 4C - Your 4C - My 4C-in-law - Your 4C-in-law - My co-4C-in-law - Your co-4C-in-law

Members of the family that came from hell: My mother-in-law - Your mother-in-law - My father-in-law - Your father-in-law - My stepmother - Your stepmother - My stepfather - Your stepfather - My co-mother-in-law - Your co-mother-in-law - My co-father-in-law - Your co-father-in-law - My daughter-in-law - Your daughter-in-law - My son-in-law - My son-in-law - My stepdaughter - Your stepdaughter - My stepson - Your stepson - My stepmother-in-law - Your stepmother-in-law - My stepfather-in-law - Your stepfather-in-law - My stepgrandmother - Your stepgrandmother - My stepgrandfather - Your stepgrandfather - My step-great-grandmother - Your step-great-grandmother - My step-great-grandfather - Your step-great-grandfather - My step-great-great-grandmother - Your step-great-great-grandmother - My step-great-great-grandfather - Your step-great-great-grandfather - My stepgranddaughter - Your stepgranddaughter - My stepgrandson - Your stepgrandson - My stepdaughter-in-law - Your stepdaughter-in-law - My stepson-in-law - Your stepson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-granddaughter - My step-great-grandson - Your step-great-grandson - My step-great-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-great-granddaughter - My step-great-great-grandson - Your step-great-great-grandson - My apartment manager - Your apartment manager - My neighbor - Your neighbor - My ex-girlfriend - Your ex-girlfriend - My ex-fiancée - Your ex-fiancée - My ex-wife - Your ex-wife - Ex-boyfriend - Ex-fiancé - Ex-husband - My enemy - Your enemy - Ex-love of current love - Current love of ex-love - My ex-friend - Your ex-friend - My boss - Your boss - My co-aunt - Your co-aunt - My co-uncle - Your co-uncle - My grandmother-in-law - Your grandmother-in-law - My grandfather-in-law - Your grandfather-in-law - My granddaughter-in-law - Your granddaughter-in-law - My grandson-in-law - Your grandson-in-law - My great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-grandmother-in-law - My great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-grandfather-in-law - My great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-grandson-in-law - Your great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-grandson-in-law - My stepgrandmother-in-law - Your stepgrandmother-in-law - My stepgrandfather-in-law - Your stepgrandfather-in-law - My step-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-grandfather-in-law - My step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My stepgranddaughter-in-law - Your stepgranddaughter-in-law - My stepgrandson-in-law - Your stepgrandson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-grandson-in-law - My step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandson-in-law

Adopted members of the family: My adopted-mother - Your adopted-mother - My adopted-father - Your adopted-father - My adopted-sister - Your adopted-sister - My adopted-brother - Your adopted-brother - My adopted-daughter - Your adopted-daughter - My adopted-son - Your adopted-son

Other members of the family: My godmother - Your godmother - My godfather - Your godfather - My goddaughter - Your goddaughter - My godson - Your godson - My housekeeper - Your housekeeper - My teacher - Your teacher - My nanny - Your nanny - My coworker - Your coworker - My classmate - Your classmate - My lawyer - Your lawyer - My doctor - Your doctor

Pets: My dog - Your dog - My cat - Your cat - My parrot - Your parrot - My hamster - Your hamster - My turtle - Your turtle - My crocodile - Your crocodile - My snake - Your snake - My fish - Your fish

Relateds: You - I