Southern Baptists

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Divine Retribution Control Center
Not to be confused with the Westboro Baptist Church, the only Baptists with enough balls to say what all the others are thinking.

Southern Baptists are the unfortunate victims of a debilitating congenital birth defect called Southern Baptist Syndrome (SBS). Common among inbred mouth-breathing low-brows who mainly inhabit the mosquito-infested lowlands of the southern U.S., particularly areas like Mississippi and Washington, DC.

Southern Baptists are in a perpetual state of terror because they fear that they will suffer Divine Retribution over something or other that they have done.

Southern sadists douchebags Baptists are perpetually hopeful that other people will suffer divine retribution because they believe that Non-Baptists lead very sinful lives. Southern Baptists look forward to watching from heaven as sinners are tormented in Hell.

Symptoms[edit | edit source]

A Southern Baptist prays really, really hard.

See also Tourette's, Schizophrenia and Mental illness. Church related symptoms can include the following,

  1. They shout, scream wave arms and legs about in church.
  2. They roll about on a church floor after being slain in the spirit.
  3. They handle snakes, get snakebites and refuse medical help trusting in God instead.
  4. They sometimes die from snakebites. Then the congregation believe God punished them for something or other.
  5. They foam at the mouth, speak gibberish in tongues.
  6. They believe that God endures forever.
  7. Their sermons must go for for at least as long as God can endure them for.
  8. They require five-year old children to sit still during long boring sermons.
  9. They inflict capital a minor punishment if five-year old children fidget or play up during long boring sermons.

Symptoms outside church can include the following,

  1. They knock on strangers’ doors.
  2. They tell these strangers complete bullshit the good news about Jesus.
  3. They tell these strangers the bad news that Southern Baptists believe Jesus wants the strangers to live repressed Christian lives and will send them to Hell if they don’t.
  4. They refuse to leave when the strangers ask them insistently to go.
  5. They express negative (and occasionally hostile) views towards any religion/church/denomination that is not in 100% agreement with Southern Baptist theology. This includes (but is not excluded to) such people as: Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Mormons, Jews, Hindus, Atheists, Wiccans, Democrats/Liberals, Moderate Conservatives, Hollywood, space aliens, construction workers, people living their ordinary every-day lives, cat herders, and the rest of the world. Often times they will express false views about these people, even though such things as facts, science, history, and logical thought prove the Southern Baptists to be wrong. They reserve special condemnation for Catholics in general and the Pope in particular, likely because the Catholic Church has succeeded in attracting 25 times the number of paying customers. Baptist preachers never miss a Sunday without mentioning the Roman church, the Pope, or anything Catholic. The typical Baptist's day is consumed in a jealous resentment that the Catholic church exists. Catholics, for their part, when asked about Baptists, usually reply, "What's a Baptist?"
  6. The Ford F-150 is the official vehicle of Southern Baptists.
  7. They like the death penalty but hope condemned prisoners find Jesus before they die.
  8. They refuse to have sex standing up because it will lead to dancing.
  9. They tend to cut holes in their sheets and wear them over their heads while burning a cross.

Further problems[edit | edit source]

These are the only people on earth who will go to Hell upon death. Avoid at all costs. You have been warned.

Reactions to God[edit | edit source]

They have been known to burst into tears because they think God is mad at them. Some Southern Baptists marry someone awful and then stay with that person because they think God wants it. Other Southern Baptists stay unmarried because they can't find anyone who God will think is Christian enough.

Reactions to people[edit | edit source]

If you try and tell them that they’re wrong they can become as mean and deadly as a stomped-on rattlesnake. They feel irrationally superior towards normal folk. Incidentally normal folk feel superior to Southern Baptists. They hate their non-Baptist neighbor. Baptists especially hate Catholics. Many believe that this is due to a combination of the Baptists' insane desire to feel self-important, their lust to make people feel inferior to them (and since they've run out of non-Christian groups to rag on, they might as well start in on Christian groups that aren't Baptist), and their jealosy that Catholics came up with the idea of Christianity before they did and thus hold the copywrite. In reality, however, its just because Baptists are envious of the Pope's big, pointy hat.

Politics[edit | edit source]

Southern Baptists think killing is wrong (except if the individual is a murderer, homosexual, doctor, prostitute, a musician who does not sing about Jesus, Jew, rapist, any non-baptist religion believer, or a democrat).

Babies[edit | edit source]

They think abortion is absolutely wrong in all cases. Abortion is the only killing that they oppose. There are a few Bible based exceptions to this. Notably abortion wasn't wrong when The Israelites ripped unborn babies out of the wombs of their enemies. ( 2 Kings 15:16) By contrast once babies have been born keeping them alive is less important. Southern Baptists oppose Universal Health Care. Absolutely no God-fearing Christian should even consider that lives of babies or adults can be saved through better health care.

Gun control[edit | edit source]

They are against gun control because they don't see how guns can possibly get people killed.

War[edit | edit source]

Southern Baptists are all in favor of a good, ol' fashioned war. Just as long as its someone else's kids who are getting sent over seas to die in a battle, and not their own. Their battle cry is often heard as "Hell, yeah! Let's git our troops over to another country and kick some ass! We'll be supporting them!.... From right here..... which is a safe distance away from the flying bullets."

Causes and effects[edit | edit source]

Some local Baptists make a pit-stop on their way to church.

SBS is believed to be caused by an extra chromosome. It causes slowed growth, abnormal facial features, and mental retardation. Incidence of SBS is estimated at 1 per 666 births, making it the most common chromosomal abnormality. The maternal age effect influences the risk of conceiving a baby with the syndrome. At age 20 to 24, it is 1/1490, while at age 40 it is 1/106, and at age 49 is 1/11. (Source: Hook EB. Rates of chromosomal abnormalities at different maternal ages. Obstet Gynecol 1981;58:282.)

Genetic counseling and genetic testing such as amniocentesis are usually offered for families who may be at increased risk to have a child with SBS. Women over 35 are often given an amniocentisis and 9 out of 10 choose to abort the affected fetus. Many children with Southern Baptism are born to women under the age of 16 because testing is not usually offered to women under the age of 16. Women over 16 are often able to run faster than their fathers or male siblings and so risk is somewhat reduced.

Many victims of this disease join colonies called the Republican Party. Unable to hold down regular jobs due to the persistent instability caused by SBS, many Southern Baptists can only find work as used car salesmen, politicians, or televangelists. Although many male Southern Baptists are closet cases, they still manage to fornicate, usually with others of the same species. Many can wank to pictures.

'Celebrities' with SBS[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]

Links[edit | edit source]