A Bible Thumper is somebody who bases their entire life in a 2000 year old book of mythology called The Bible. They are either incapable of any rational thought, or have long ago forgotten how to use that portion of their brain in favor of accepting the doctrines that their parents shoved down their throats. Most of them vote republican and are pro-life and pro war because that's what the bible says. However a thorough investigation of the bible reveals no verses relating to these topics.
Homophobia[edit | edit source]
Many bible thumpers hold the idea that "God hates fags." The Old Testament God destroyed an entire city (Sodom) for their evil ways of Anal Sex. They hate any leader who advocates gay marriage, feeling that it will remove what little meaning is left of their own fucked up marriages. They feel that there is nothing more to a marriage than hetero-normative vaginal penetrative sex, which in most cases is more enjoyable for the male, because many thumpers will call a woman who enjoys sex too much a whore and a slut. It is proposed that this is because bible thumpers are not capable of sex and bitter about it, since one of the immediate side-effects of becoming a bible thumper is Sudden Genital Disappearance.
Most bible thumpers insist that homosexual relationships are not natural (for example, Ted Haggard), even though over 500 species of animals (yes, the ones that God created) fuck each other in the ass all the time.
Sex[edit | edit source]
Bible thumpers view all forms of sex as evil. Christian parents will never mention the word sex around their children, because if they hear the word or have any sort of education about it, they will automatically do it with everyone in sight. When bible thumpers raise a male child, it is extremely important that they never see a woman's naked body or sex of any kind. This will turn their hearts evil and away from God. When they turn 18 and turn to every form of pornography available and become sexual predators, well, I guess that's not their fault because they never learned anything about sex from them.
Since bible thumpers are incapable of sex, there has been a huge amount of scientific research investigating how bible thumpers manage to have children. The sexual intercourse hypothesis was shot down quickly by the discovery that bible thumpers have no genitals. Artificial insemination was proposed as a possibility, however this idea was also shot down quickly as it is a scientific procedure, and therefore of the devil. The Holy Spirit Impregnation hypothesis is the only current hypothesis remaining. Unfortunately it is impossible to directly research this phenomenon as bible thumpers are fully convinced that the homo-protecting, Devilutionist scientists only want to eat their baby. A more recent theory that has been proposed is the Semen in Turkey Baster theory. The fundie dad jacks off in a cup full of holy water, soaks up the baby juice with the turkey baster and hands it to his fundie wife to do the rest as he is not allowed to look at her sinful whorish flesh. Drinking of the solution by the mother is considered abortion i.e. murder and it is punishable by a stoning or being kicked out of the GOP.
The urge to have sex is put into your heart directly by Satan himself. Having sex before you are married is one of the worst sins ever. Finding out if you are sexually compatible with a person, or even if you are capable of sharing a living space with somebody before marriage makes way too much logical sense for the bible thumpers, so that's not allowed either. Instead, God wants you to wait until you're already stuck with somebody to find out that you hate each other. This way you can get a divorce and feel even more guilty. Alternatively you stay with someone who doesn't suit you and and for the rest of your lives you and your partner are miserable in the name of Jesus.
Hell[edit | edit source]
The best tactic for keeping young brain-washed children inside the faith after they leave for college is instilling the fear of hell in them. They are told that hell is a terrible place where you are always on fire, and yet never combust. At first this sounds scary but after some rational thought sounds impossible. To counter this thought process, monsters were added to hell, and worms that will slowly consume your flesh. Yet somehow you will never die. The Catholics needed a better way to instill the fear of hell in people in 1681 and so they created The First Doom Game.
In hell, the devil will shove knives through your penis, peel every toenail and fingernail off of your body, fuck you in the ass with a hot iron, and tear your balls off. Now those who make up those sick sexual fantasies can't possibly be suppressed gays or active gays? Can they? I'm not going to describe what he would do to women because that's just creepy. The devil will also reveal how he pulled off the amazing trick of planting fossils on the Earth to make it look phenomenally older than 6000 years old, and then eternally point and laugh at you for falling for it. The children of Bible Thumpers are required to have plenty of nightmares for Jesus.
Life Meaning[edit | edit source]
Many who become bible thumpers lead meaningless lives. They have no idea what it's like to accomplish something worthwhile or make the world a better place on their own, so instead they choose to give up on the "evil" world and place all their hope in something imaginary called an afterlife where they will be rewarded with gold, money, virgins, white robes, food, and all that bullshit. When a bible thumper dies, they leave their earthly suburbia to a special place in heaven where they get to humbly spend eternity with their lord and savior, drive a hummer on streets of gold, and most importantly, spend eternity in a 100% homo-free environment.
New Christians are brought into the world all the time by religious families who brain-wash their children. Sometimes these children learn to think for themselves and realize that the bible was written by cannabis addicts. The other large groups of converts are the weak and vulnerable. Churches take advantage of people who have just gone through a terrible life situation or feel extreme guilt and self-hatred. These people make the most zealous converts because their religion is their only reason for living and they will defend it to the death.
Politics[edit | edit source]
The only thing worse than hell is trying to have an intelligent conversation with a bible thumper. Discussing politics and world issues with a bible thumper is more painful than throwing your dick in a blender. At every turn they will tell you that our problems all stem from our lack of God in our country, even though we are statistically the most religious nation in the world. They will say that Barrack Obama is the Antichrist, and they will insist that God belongs in every aspect of our government. When you ask them why they think the bible is true and that they can rely on it to tell them everything, they will most likely pull out a bible verse. When you tell them that our young men are dying overseas in a war that we are losing, they will be too worried about the clusters of cells that are being killed all over the place in a uterus near you. When you tell them that we have more people in poverty and without medical insurance than many third world countries, they will tell you that gay marriage is to blame.
Thumping[edit | edit source]
"Radical bible thumpers" probably sounds redundant, however a select group of the most 1337 thumpers are actually completely bonkers. These select few thumpers are categorized by the following activities:
- Pounding a fist against the bible
- Slamming a bible on a pulpit, table, or the victim's head to emphasize syllables
- Throwing a bible into a congregation of baptists
- Spreading The Word with a double barrel shotgun
- Shooting oneself in the foot while quoting scriptures
- Smacking your dick at the congregation
- Jumping up and down during a sermon
- Speaking in tongues
- Shaking hands and fists in the air during worship
- Bending over and taking one in the ass for Jesus
- Bending a little boy over and making him take one in the ass for Jesus
- Wearing clothing that says "Jesus loves you" on the front
- Wearing clothing that says "Jesus hates:
- Burning crosses on your lawn