Hey, what is this page anyway? Oh. Oh. Aye Conyo, I change my mind. For shame, Jesus, for shame...“Hell? Meh. Beats Mexico. But don't tell Jesus Mendez I said that.”
~ Satan on Hell“"Sure, I'm a gay pedophile, but PLEASE don't say I'm one of THEM! I'm converting to Christianity on my deathbed just to make sure no one mistakes me for one of THEM!"”
~ Oscar Wilde commenting on rumors that he was a Satanist.“"The Devil made me do it!"”
~ Flip Wilson as Geraldine...or was that Geraldine as Flip Wilson???.“"AAAAAARRRRGGHH! Glug, glug, glug, *cough, cough* GASP!”
~ What Anton LaVey REALLY said on his deathbed. Just accept it.“"Here's to my Sweet Satan, the one whose little path would make me sad whose power is Satan. He'll give those with him 666. There was a little toolshed where he made us Suffer Sad Satan."”
~ Robert Plant on Satan
Satanism was invented when some loser got beaten up and locked in his locker by a bunch of jocks, similar to the way Wicca was created. It's followers are a bunch of retards who think it's Hallowe'en everyday, attracting several hundred people, most of them morbidly obese who dress like Count Dracula everyday, and act hurt and persecuted when people treat them like the misanthropic retards they are.
The main principles of Satanism are as follows:
- "I am my own God, I am the Alein Elite! I just wish my mom would stop raggin' on me! When I get a part time job I'm moving out!"
- "I can take on anybody in the whole trailer park!"
- "Negative attention is the only good attention!"
- Always have a good bail bondsman's number handy!
- Jack off, in the name of your god. (How awesome is that?)[Not very, loser. Get a life and stop trying to defend Satanism.]
And of course, the most important one of all...
- Flip out and become a serial killer, and while in prison carve a swastika into your skull.
- Become the best player of Quake III Arena.
It's obvious to see how everyone WHO IS CARLOS GRIGG would be attracted to RYANS BIG ASS !
As Head Satanist Britney Spears once noted: "To the untrained eye it might be difficult to differentiate between Satanists and Hippies. Both act pretentious, Satanists because they believe themselves their own Gods, Hippies because they think the Earth is their God. Both smell like rotting flesh, Hippies because they don’t bathe, Satanists because they eat rotten flesh. The main difference is that Satanists actually eat Hippies, and not vice versa." And of course, only a Satanist would rag on Hippies, who haven't existed since the 1960's. This is an important lesson of Satanism: Always attack the weak and defenseless! This is why Satanists sacrifice cats, chickens, and LEE ALTHOUGH THE LAST ONE ALWAYS FAILS, rather than something that could fight back, like a Grizzly Bear in heat.
History[edit | edit source]
Satan decided he would launch his super duper un-religion in 1966 in San Fransisco, California of all places. He searched the earth relentlessly and upon finding the wisest man, commanded him to write The Satanic Bible. But the man answered, "No fucking way!" So, Satan found the second wisest man, who said the same thing. And he asked the next, and so on and so forth, and when there was no one else, he asked Howie Levey, who agreed since he was a psudeo-intellectual loser with too much time on his hands. The Devil changed Howie's name to Anton LaVey, so he wouldn't sound like such a nerd. Satan later found out LaVey was a wife beating pimp and scumbag, so he tried to renig out of the deal, but it was too late. Now idiots married to their own cousins in trailer parks have a religon they could call their own!
But hey, at least Satanists are GAY and not just plain GAY.
Anatomy of Satanism[edit | edit source]
Types Of Satanism Satanism is not for everyone. First, you have to think you're better than everybody...even though you're an emo idiot who's into cutting. Two, you have to practice things that expand your mind and bring you closer to the darkside...like huffing airplane glue. And C, you have to have be capable of deluding yourself on a massive scale.
Once you meet this criteria, you can choose which Satanism is right for you.
- LaVeyan Satanist - Also known as the Atheistic Satanist or "Persecuted Crybaby Satanist". This type of Satanist does NOT worship the devil...instead they worship Anton LaVey, a 250lb wife beating asshole. Ironically, LaVey serves as a substitute father figure to take the place of the drunken alcoholic abusive father figure they had...when in fact LaVey probably would have aborted them. LaVeyian Satanists are superior to the other Satanists mention. LOL! No seriously. LOL! Oh, who am I kidding, they're biggest losers of all! Right now one is reading this entry and about to change it because he just can't stand it. Ha ha, looser! They spend much of their time whining that the Celebrity Satanists give "true Satanists" a bad rep, and blame the whole thing on "Xian propaganda"...even though atheists also think Satanists are bunch of 'tards. But since Satanists thrive off negative attention anyway,it's a win-win situation!
- Traditional RYAN SUCKAS (Devil Worship) - This involves worshiping Satan directly. This is the type of Satanist that does kewl things, like kill people and make butter out of them. Even though so-called "atheist" Satanists will look down on you, don't worry, they're just as big as retards as you are. Wicca is not the same thing as Satanism (But you know it really is, they just don't want to tell you because Wiccans, the Illuminati, and Simon Cowell of American Idol are part of the conspiracy to keep this fact silent! That's the REAL reason Paula Abdul left, because she knew too much. SHE KNEW TOO MUCH I TELLS YA!).
- Celebrity Satanist These are the kewlist Satanists of the bunch! First, you have to start out as a Traditional Satanist to work your way up to this bunch (although Zeena did come close when she almost murdered her 10 y.o. son Stanton one night. Close, but no cigar!). People in this group include -Though including a few
mentruly hardcore psychos like "Night Stalker" serial killer Richard Ramirez, this is usually just the kind of crazy that blames God for all of his problems and turns to Satan for revenge. To join this group, simply go totally off-the-wall-nutso and kill a lot of people for no apparent reason. Well...I gues the fact they're nutso is the reason, come to think of it. Once in prison, you'll be famous, and have all the sex you could ever dream of (that is, if you don't mind being gang raped by white supremacists in the shower and felating big black penises daily). You'll also be guaranteed room and board for life, free color TV, and a stainless steel toilet! Awsome dude! Of course, you might also get the chair, but then you'll get to meet the man downstairs in person! That is so kewl!
- Temple of Set - After firing LaVery in 1975, the Devil hired Michael Aquino, and changed the name of his company to The Temple of Set. Aquino SEEMED like a good choice at first--Eagle Scout, an actual College Degree, Army Colonel, nice clean smell--but things quickly went south.
NOTE: Satanism should not be confused with "Stanism", which is the worship of Stanley Roper, the charachter portayed by the late Norman Fell on "Three's Company". It should also not be confused with "Satinism", which is the worship of that shimmery fabric whos name cannot be mentioned.
Becoming A HITLER YOUTH AKA RYAN STALKER The first steps in becoming a HITLER YOUTH are to be an anti-social misfit loser, dress in black, and lose your mind (not necessarily in that order). Being a pariah is absolutely necessary. If you crave negative attention and keep your dead grandma's brain in a Mason jar under your pillow, you're more than halfway there! It's IMPARATIVE that you hate Christians. Since you hate everybody because you're a sociopath, and most people are Christians, this part will be easy for you. You must also childishly spell the word Christian "xtian". You do this, thinking you offend Christians, but in reality they'll just feel sorry for you because you're a bitter little troll. Next, start getting into a lot of fist fights for no real reason. This will enable you feel entitled to say "I can stand on my own two feet!" In reality, you'd just be an asshole and a thug like your daddy, Anton LaVey,[pbuh] but of course, Satanism isn't about the so-called "real world." Huzzah! (If the last point irritates you, it's because, like I said, reality isn't your bag. Just ask the losers who keep changing this Uncyclopedia entry to actually promote THE HITLER YOUTHS! LOL! )
Satanic Magic Next comes the best part of the whole Satanic gig: Satanic magic! Or, rather, "Magick." It's so super secret that it has to be spelled wrong, and can only be obtained by people who have $8 to spend at Books-A-Million. The 3 spells in it include revnege (now you can get back at that guy that tripped you in lunch line in the 8th grade!), lust (but it won't work and you'll just spend your nights jacking off to internet amputee porn as usual) and a spell to get stuff through Satan's compassion (lol! Good luck on that last one!) It claims to be a book on philosophy and psychology, but it's really just a bunch of horseshit, as all occult stuff is. A new expanded edition of the Satanic Bible is slated for release in 2011 with rituals for popular pursuits of the Alien Elite including, but not limited to: "Scorin' Weed," "Gettin a Higher Score on Warcraft," "Making Mom Stop Raggin' on Me," and "Scorin' Meth." If your spells don't work, and your math teacher doesn't die for giving you an F that you deserved anyway because you're a 'tard, don't panic and do something stupid, like forgetting about the whole damn occult thing altogether! You probably just didn't believe hard enough. And consider this: should the pathetic reality of your existence set in at any time, the effects can be quickly nullified by huffing glue. In no time you'll be back to chanting the Enochian Keys or The Invocation to Set to Marylin Manson's "The Beautiful People" while you masturbate, and you'll be your old deluded self once again!
Being a Satanist[edit | edit source]
- Constantly updating this Uncyclopedia entry to make Satanism sound less like an activity for sociopaths, and somehow thinking no one notices.
Jacking offPracticing satanic sex magic
- Becoming an expert at typing with one hand...if you know what I mean (see above)
- Cutting your wrist
- Reading books from the Twilight saga
- Playing an undead character in the video game World of Warcraft
- Shouting at mormons & following them on bikes
- Playing LP's backwards for the "secret messages" the Devil is sending (another thing Fundamentalists do)
- Roasting next door neighbor's cat Mittens on the barbecue because the voices in your head told you to
- Memorizing the words to every Monty Python sketch, and somehow telling yourself you're a normal well adjusted person
- Playing Quake III Arena during rituals.
- Kill all humans who aren't Satanists.
- Believe only in baphomet and make jesus cry
Satanic Holidays[edit | edit source]
Every June 7, the Satanists celebrate Anti-Christmas, which marks the birth of the Antichrist a.k.a. TV's Andy Griffith. Here they chant stuff like SATAN IS KING and JEWS ARE RETARDS. On the preceding night, Satanist children anticipate presents from the Anti-Claus, who lives in Mexico. The adults don't exchange presents with one another. They eat lots of fruitcakes, which is one reason the Church of Satan is based in San Francisco. Va-voom! Oh sister, Beehave! Also, the kids all receive toys which the parents promptly smash right in front of them and then burn with cigarettes, and it's yet another memory they have to repress, so it's good fun for everyone!Be a total bitch to everybody because you're a Satanist and always have your posse if they come at your ass. If you believe in Satanism your are the coolest guy in the world. AND you get to kill Jews.
The Satanic Bible[edit | edit source]
Satan released his masterpiece at an unspecified time, though the book was copyrighted by Anton "smack dat ho" LaVey in 1969 (under command of the evil Satan and the even more evil Avon Books). LaVey was a high school dropout, a carnival hustler, and a reported all-around loser,(he lied about screwing Marylin Monroe AFTER she was dead and couldn't refute it! How kewl is that?).
He obviously knew the secrets of how to be a success in life: he was a wife beating pimp, a self-admitted host of a "cannibal feast", and he lived on food stamps a good portion of his life before dying bankrupt. The Satanic Bible is a prime example of this magnificent religion, which is practiced by geeks who live in their parent's basements and post on online forums 19 hours a day. If you want a copy, just ask the 350 lbs. white supremacist in the jail cell next to you if you can borrow his...although he may expect "certain favors" in return if you know what I mean, so be carful! Alternatively, just ask some emo kid, or someone who had a serious head injury. You can also ask a Wiccan, bcause all of them seem to own a copy, even though they're not Satanists. <snicker>
|Name:||Abraham||Lao-tse||Buddha||Jesus||Mohammed||Charles Darwin||Bobby Henderson||David Icke||L. Ron Hubbard||Zod||That Guy You Hate|
|Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets:||Moses||Peter, Paul, & Mary,
|Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar||Richard Dawkins||Cast from V||Tom Cruise,
|That old woman next door|
|Religion(s):||Judaism||Taoism||Buddhism||Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs||Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects||Atheism, Theory of Evolution||Pastafarianism||D.ick-eism||Scientology||---||That thing, you know, with the thingies!|
|Miracles (approx.):||20||1||7||200||0||0||1||1 (honest)||0||0||Somewhere between zero and infinity|
|Covenants & Promises:||Milk, honey, and eternal life||Being one with the universe||Reincarnation, Nirvana||Eternal life||Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level||Freedom of thought||Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano||Liberation from alien lizards||Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity||You will kneel before Zod.||Whatever it is you get|
|Enlightenment (kW):||1.5||150||200||1.6||1.25||180||100||0.001||-10 000||0.045~1.334 (varies inversely to proximity to Superman)||I don't remember|
|Wives (approx.):||2-3||0||1||0||9-30||1||unlimited||0-1 (no reptiles)||3 (so far)||All women are property of Zod.||What?|
|Followers:||30-40 mln. (approx.)||60 mln. (approx. + Ben Hoff and Winnie the Pooh)||375 mln.||2.1 bln.||1.3 bln.||500 mln.||120 bln. (without earthlings)||360 tln. (+3 earthlings)||42||Lex Luthor, Bizarro||Those guys who do the stuff|
|Violent followers:||2.0%||0.1%||0.1%||2.5%||2.6%||0.000001% (NB: It should be noted that the late Adolf Hitler has nothing to do with True Darwinism, just as the late Osama Bin Laden has nothing to do with True Islam. (Smiley))||0.01%||3||60%||100%||I forget|
|Overall result:||GOOD||GOOD||TH'WEET!||NOT BAD||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||EXCELLENT||SHIT||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||IT'S PURPLE!|
|Value for money:||FAIR||FAIR||FAIR||GOOD||COULD DO BETTER||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||COULD DO BETTER||WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?|