Highway To Hell

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The Highway To Heaven Hell[edit]

Welcome to the Highway To Hell. Located 666 billion miles south of the Stairway To Heaven. Now you probably expect that such a road with a title such as the "highway to hell" would be somewhat, hot and hellish, but in 2007 the team of Top Gear bought 3 shitty little vehicles for under 200 pounds/600 bucks, and road tested just how bad the highway was by seeing just how long it would take for them dressed as black people to be pulled over for speeding, as well they had Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters to test out if the Highway To Hell was THE most dangerous stretch of highway in the world, and the end results were, negative. The Highway To Hell is much like the new New York now, it may have once had a bad reputation back in the 20th century, but since the Sept 11 attacks, the Highway To Hell has become one of the friendliest roads to drive on, with many beautiful and wonderful sights to see along the way. It's become so good in fact, that it's now become the #1 choice for all participants venturing down into the mysterious fire and brimstone underworld known as "hell".


Ridin' Down the Highway[edit]

In the beginning, man didn't know about the rock n' roll shows, least not the ones that go to heaven. The white man had the smokes, the black man had the blues, but no-one knew just how cool it was to see Elvis & Jim Morrison perform as a duo. So these guys said let there be pavement, and there was pavement, let there be lights, and there were lights, let there be 6 way lanes in and out, and there were 6 lanes in and out.

For many people, their ideal get-away destination might be luxurious resorts on small tropical islands where the drinks are served in coconuts and the women wear mother nature as a form of clothing, so it's no surprise that "Hell" itself is not one of the top 50 must-see places before you die, but what is becoming quite the attraction, is the highway getting there.

The Highway To Hell was built in 1979 by Ronald Belford Scott with the aid of his assistants, Young & Young who paved the way of the Highway when they heard a rumor that Hell actually wasn't that bad of a place to be. Whilst they where riding down the highway, going to a show, they stopped off the by-way, while playing some rock & roll. They may have been stoned at the time, and it sounded a lot harder then it looked, but eventually they completed the Highway To Hell within 6 months and it was officially opened by Pope John Paul II and declared the first 6 way highway into the eternal fiery damnation of Hell. This was great news concerning the recent malfunctions with the elevators and never-ending pits that where costing an arm and a leg to Satan from new visitors being seriously injured on arrival.


Bumpy Ride[edit]

The Highway soon ran into trouble when more and more traffic began to flow to check out the world's first highway with a speed limit of 666 miles per hour. So of course, every redneck and wog wanted to test how fast their automobile could go. This only led to major accidents, delays in traffic, and the need to reduce the speed limit down to 566 miles per hour, which really damaged tourism. Over the next 20 years the road became a hellacious 666,666 miles of misery. Property values on the off- roads of the highway dropped, slower vehicles diverted onto the narrower Devil Gate Drive and the neighborhoods filled with riff-raff, scum, property developers and social workers.

The crime rate increased to the point where councils resigned, service stations closed and martial law was declared to help control the rioting of the streets, this only lead people to drive faster and faster on the highway to avoid these trouble spots. The Highway also began to deteriorate... you couldn't drive more than 2 miles without finding a pothole in the road. With the state of the Highway becoming unacceptable, tourism to Hell plummeted so severely that the Catholic church condemned the highway as being as bad to drive on as the streets of Detroit & New York combined.

It wasn't until the world changed and the crime stopped along the 666,666 miles of interstate that Hell commissioned a new council leader to raise funds to help restore the road to its former glory and show the above world that down in Hell, vacations could still be worthwhile.


I Get My Kicks on Route 666[edit]

An old stretch of highway in America somewhere used to be called route 66, where one particular wrong turn in New Mexico sent hapless souls careening down route 666, the devil's highway. A mess of twists and hairpin turns unsafe at any speed, route 666 was paved with truly evil intentions.

In 1985, the government closed down route 66, causing sprawling metropolises like Amboy and Hackberry to be transformed into overnight ghost towns. Not a soul remained. In 2006, a group of animated talking vehicles from Pixar's Cars petitioned the government to bring back route 66 and the millions of dollars of tourism revenue and marketing which went along with it. Alas, the devil is in the details.

The government brought back route 666, distracted by the wrath of grapes, leaving route 66 for dead. Seeing as how it had been closed down for so many years, the Highway To Hell would relaunch itself after 18 months of reconstruction, rebuilt by the Route 666 Corridor Preservation Program from the very blueprints which Adolph Hitler used to build his grand autobahn from Germany to Danzig in 1939.

All new brimstone was laid along the roadside for its entire length, long-abandoned lodgings like the Bates Motel and the Heartbreak Hotel were restored to their historic grandeur and reopened and a sea of tacky neon led the way to BBQ restaurants and the hottest nightlife on Route 666, the Highway to Hell.

The road is now more beautiful then ever, with glorious blazing crucifixions, little red midgets with pitchforks running over 21,000 gas stations along the highway, and even a Wet & Wild theme park to stop off on, on the way.


To Hell & Back[edit]

Through Hell, Fire & Brimstone, the highway has arisen like a Phoenix from the ashes!

To those who still have no idea that the Titanic has been found, it is still a ship that mysteriously vanished without a trace. The same with the Highway To Hell, those that remember the days of it being as bad as New York used to be have difficulty in accepting that the Highway To Hell is now the safest and most effective way to venture into the land of eternal damnation.

Now along the main stretch of the highway, you can find 5 star restaurants, exotic cruise liners, ring of fire circus shows, the Harlem Globetrotters and Walmarts. Everything the everyday typical family needs. But that's not all, there are also arts & craft festivals, brimstone wall climbing, car boot sales, and just recently over 75 brand new McDonalds venues have opened up

Now you maybe thinking, "I can see that anywhere"... but, can you name a road that is 666,666 miles long and does not feature one single Starbucks coffee house? Now, if that doesn't convince you to take a trip down the Highway To Hell, then nothing will.




See also[edit]