|Brian "Blow Job" Armstrong|
'You look mighty cute in them jeans, boy.'
|Occupation||Singer (sort of)|
|Years Active||1966 - present|
|Genre(s)||Good rock n roll (AC/DC)|
Not as good rock n roll (Geordie)
|Associated Acts||Cunnilingus |
from the 1990 album
"The Razors Edge to the Emo's Wrist"
Brian Johnson is the lead singer and Elmo impersonator of hard rock band AC/DC. He is also a playwright, taxi driver and excellent fortune cookie writer. Many people who attend an AC/DC concert these days are often stumped as to why Brian's voice has gone from sounding like a chipmunk to sounding like he is singing while gargling nails? Despite people telling you lies that it is supposedly because Brain was not the original singer, and that you are mixing him up with Bon Scott, this is simply not the case. The truth of the matter is, Brian actually IS Bon Scott. When Bon reached puberty in 1979 after the Highway To Hell album, to avoid being stereotyped as the next Justin Bieber, he faked his death and changed his name to Brian Johnson to save face, and also avoid getting out of having to pay a few unpaid parking tickets. He chose the name because his initials as Bon was "B.S", so he changed them to a more appropriate name (B.J) due to Angus & Malcolm always shouting out at him, "Quit drinking so much, Cocksucker" So when in Rome, go with the flow, least that's how Bon figured it.
Early to Sober Life
Born Ronald Belford Scott, AKA: "Rapin' Rowdy Ronnie" in 1946, Bon would go on to lead an alternative life first with AC/DC, before the transmogrification into his future self. For the life and crimes of Bon Scott, you can check out his informative article at Famous Australian Chipmunks... Who Got More Pussy Then You Ever Will. This article here, the one you are reading right now, is dedicated to the later personality of Brain "Blow Job" Johnson, Bons altered, post-op identity, that we know today.
On 19 February 1980, the then known as Bon Scott, passed out after a night of heavy drinking in a London YMCA called the Squat & Gobble. A friend of his, who also happened to be a surgeon, had dared Bon to let him preform a sex change operation on him. Bon was not one to ever turn down a bet, or a dare, just as long as there was 10 bucks or more in it for him.
So on the spur of a drunken moment, Bon allowed his mate to remove his penis, and sew the skin from his severed ball-sack over his face. When Bon awoke in the morning, sitting outside his apartment in his mates car, he suddenly realized his morning ball-scratch was not where it should have been.
Bon raced inside to see his mate the surgeon, and demanded that he undid the procedure, or he would be the laughing stock of the entertainment world. Unfortunately during attempts to reverse the procedure, the super glue holding his foreskin to the entirety of his face was not removable, unless the surgery was preformed through the rectum. Bon refused to allow any man to take that path with him, so he figured he would just have to get used to his new look. To avoid embarrassment for Bon, he faked his own death and conspired a fake background to his new personality. Since that day, he has called himself Brian Johnson.
Brain had come up with a cunning plan with the other members of AC/DC. He would have himself declared legally dead as Bon, then AC/DC would reform in a couple of weeks, with news they are seeking a new singer. This gave Bon, now known as Brian, enough time to fake a past history for himself. He came up with a story that he was once the lead singer of a band called Geordie. In order for Bon to make sure that the music he was to record did not rock your ass off, and sound as brilliant as a genuine Scott/Young/Young song, they instead got Cliff& Phil to write the songs. Genius! Only that sly old prick with tongue 'n cheek brutality (Bon) could come up with such a conniving and sneaky ploy.
Brian then recorded a handful of songs, and started sending them out to people that mattered, with a note to say these where recordings of a group named Geordie, along with a B.S style story that when Bon was alive, he saw this guy blowing Little Richard at a gay nightclub he was drinking at one time. The note said that if anything ever happened to him, the guy with a mouthful of Richard was who he wished to be his predecessor.
News spread around the world that AC/DC where auditioning for a new singer, and Brian, the mysterious singer that no one had ever heard of, was the winner out of such other auditioning talents like Ozzy Osbourne, Robert Plant, Jimmy Barnes & Tiny Tim. Luckily Tiny Tim didn't join, or no one would have bought his records under the name "The Darkness".
AC/DC then declared that Brian Johnson was their new front man, and they looked forward to fucking him in the ass from where they stand behind him as he sings... no wait, that's The Darkness... sorry, honest mistake.
Back In Brian Form
Now officially known as Brian Johnson, it was time to get back to business and start writing a new album. Together with the Young brothers, Brian helped write one of the greatest albums ever produced by mankind. The album was titled "Back In Black", tho Brian originally wanted to call it "Back with a Crack" but the band discussion decided it was giving away too much factual information about Brian's new dickless personality, and it would clash with the story they came up with, where skeptics would beleive that Angus & Malcolm had murdered Bon Scott, all so Clinton Wanker could write a book about it in a few years time.
The Back In Black album was released in 1980, and has gone on to become one of the highest selling albums of all time. However, something AC/DC had not planned on, was fans claiming that Bon Scott had left behind a little black book full of lyrics that supposedly went missing after his death. There wasn't actually any book at all, but fans claim that Angus & Malcolm stole this book and have been using Bon's lyrics for their songs ever since. They claim that titles from Back In Black had to be written by Bon Scott himself, because Angus & Mals lyrics suck more dick then <insert name here>'s mom on a Friday night. These fans of conspiracy theory even claim they have heard recordings of Bon singing his own tribute song, which is the title track of Back In Black. That part is actual fact, Bon was testing out his own tribute song, to himself in his pre-planning of faking his own death and becoming Brian Johnson. Way to go conspiracy theorists, you got one right after all!
The suspecting fans also claim Bon wrote other titles such as "Have A Piss On Me", "You Shagged Me All Night Long" & "For Those Who Suck Cock, We Wanna Root You. The truth of the matter is, that secretly, Bon IS Brian, so of coarse it really WAS Bon still writing the songs. A joint decision was made then that Angus & Malcolm should write all the songs in future, just to throw the fans off of thinking Bon's lyrics are behind the B.J era of cock-stomping, ass kicking rock 'n roll.
Leave it to B.J
AC/DC have powered on, and kept the High Voltage rock 'n roll continuing since Bon's identity change in 1980. Some people claim AC/DC died-out after the 1983's "Limp of the Wrist" album. But it has not stopped AC/DC from going platinum and selling millions of copies of whatever crap Angus & Malcolm can come up with, that is certified to go gold. Even AC/DC's biggest load of shit is ten times better then most other bands greatest mother-fucking hits albums.
Brian is still singing... well, doing some sort of rendition of singing. He trains his vocal chords by gargling nails and chain smoking as many cigarettes a day as he can manage to stuff in his old testicle-mask-wearing mouth. In order to completely change his voice, and sound more raspy, he had his old testicles, that had been removed by his mate in 1980, re-inserted! Only they where re-inserted into his larynx. Now when ever Brian does his Elmo impressions, the sound comes out much thicker, with the help of his knackered throat.
Life outside of AC/DC
Come on, you don't really care to know this do you? Admit it, You thought Brian Johnson was the drummer and Phil Rudd was that singer you thought died... until you read the truth here just now, didn't you?! Well, who feels like mr/mrs/it'rs smarty ass now, hmmm?
- Bon Scott
- Angus Young
- Malcolm Young
- Neil Young
- Cliff Williams
- Robin Williams
- Phil Rudd
- Dave Evans
- Chuck Berry