Tales from the Crypt

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Hello boys 'n ghouls. It's me, the Crypt Keeper, A-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE. Welcome to the gloom & doom dungeons of UnFrightlopedia.com. Come in and sit with me, as I have some things to tell you about this page, helped written by some GHOST writers who where just DYING to add their FINAL touches to the place. A-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE.

The Crypt Keeper[edit | edit source]

That's me, your GHOSTESS with the second MOSTESS behind my dearly departed friend, Beetlejuice. May he rest in pieces since his SQUEALQUEL never got made and he had to do BIT parts for the Howard Stern program... I could think up a witty name to change Howard's to for creepy effect, but I think he is scary enough on his own, don't you think?

Now to give some DEADAGREE about yours SPOOKELY. I used to host my own HBO television show! I delighted and frighted audiences between the years of 1988 and 1996 on "Tales from the Crypt", you might also remember me from my appearances on such nasty little shows like "Hanging Mr. Cooper" & "Death in the City" starring Sarah Jessica Barfer... sure, doesn't sound like a SCARY name, but try making love to something skinnier then I am... that's right, I BONED her, HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

But enough about those DEAD issues, back to me now. I used to host "Tales from the Crypt" and everyone was DIEING to be on my show... but it's repeated lines like that one, and these CHEESEY jokes that got my BONY little ass canceled! I guess you could say, I got the AXE!. But you can't keep a good crypt keeper down for long, as it's a well known fact, the dead will always rise again if they have unfinished business. So here I am once again, boys & germs. AHH-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE.

What I've Been Up To Since My AXEing[edit | edit source]

Well, I can tell you its been pretty UGLY since I found myself no longer the host of my own weekly DEAD hours of the night TV show. Since then I think I have had just about every DEAD end job you could think of. And I cant seem to stop yelling out "DEAD" for some strange reason. After the millions of dollars I made in BLOOD money had DECAID away, mostly from all the ladies of the NIGHT I called upon to ease my PAIN, I began working at a homeless shelter as a volunTEAR... wait, that's not right, that makes no sense at all... damn it, your old Crypt Keeper doesn't have people writing his lines for him anymore, so FUCK you if you don't like it.

I was working as a volunteer at the shelter, least I was till I got FIRED for telling one homeless man to "hurry up" because "some of us have homes to go to, you know" ... as you can see, I've lost my FUNNY bone, and my WITT and I can't help this STUPID use of WORDS that STAND out. It makes NO sense anymore. But then, why make CENTS when you can make DOLLARS! Tee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee_hee... hee.... heh.... why am I laughing?

I've Been HITTING the bottle[edit | edit source]

What'r you lookin nat you peaz-ov SHIT. Have'n you ever sheen a drunken haths-been befower? Scuse me while i PUKE over my shitty lines I been HIC telling you. Now get the FUCK out of here, lea-me alone, HIC I just wanna ROT in peace, HIC go on, get lost, go away, lea-me alone, and stick vis autograph up your bum, 'n don't piss in the halls on your way out, go on fuck off yew fweeloaders. Theirs nothing to see here. TEE-HIC-HIC-HIC-HIC-HIC-HIC... 1 tekiller, 2 tekiller, 3 tekiller, DIE WHORE... oh yeah, HIC no wife to kill, HIC, or money to buy a HIC-ker...

Okay... I'm SOBER Now[edit | edit source]

Hey, can I borrow some money off you ? Yeah YOU, YOU reading this! Yes, You, right there... lend me some money so I can strangle a hooker or something... Look at me, I'm all WASHED up, and my puns don't even make sense anymore... PLEASE, that's not a pun, i'm just shouting, PLEASE spare an old bag of bones some change... I'm sorry I got drunk and went off at you, you see, it's hard when, this, THIS, no pun either, THIS is all I have left... don't you see? Nearly 10 years hosting my own program on HBO, celebrities lined up around the block to be guest stars, I was as big as THE BEATLES well the two dead ones anyway... and now look at me... washed up, hung out to dry, forgotten about, and only remember on a GOD DAMN UNCYCLOPEDIA PAGE.... WHAT KIND OF A HELL IS THIS???????? UNCYCLOPEDIA, AWWWW WHAHHHHHHHHHH, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS? ... LOOK AT THESE TEARS, THEY ARE TEARS OF SUFFERING, STUCK HERE, ON UNCYCLOPEDIA, PLEASE.... lend me a couple of bucks to I can get out of here? I'll do anything.... i'll even suck your dick.... if you have one.... i'll bone you if you are a GHOUL and not a boy.... come on, just a dollar? I'll swallow, I give GREAT head... i mean great HEAD.... no wait, what was it? oh yeah, I GIVE GREAT SKULL. come on, I'm 4 foot tall, man, don't turn me down, every ones loves a little HEAD... whatta ya say?

Dead Links[edit | edit source]


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tales from the Crypt.

This article is currently being improved. So be patient, go... watch the Simpsons or something. Or maybe go get some Chinese, just entertain yourself for a while.......... ARE YOU STILL WATCHING!!??