Amnesia: The Dark Descent

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Amnesia: The Dark Descent (previously known as Hell and Satan's Game[1]) is a you-can't-survive horror game released throughout Windows, both the operating system and the opening in which it was hurled out of.[2] "Daniel" is our unlucky, but in the spotlight, lead character, who is exploring a dark, barren, foreboding castle, whilst being viciously stalked by monsters, worse than those that appear in the most horrid of your horrid nightmares.[3] The only thing in this game that won't make you pee your pants are the fun and tricky puzzles. However, these don't seem as fun as they sound when you're being attacked by naked demons.

The game is also available for free download, with the sole purpose of destroying any hopes and dreams that preteen internet surfers had for living a normal life; twice the amount of nightmares can also be expected for these victims. Then again, those who aren't scared of anything really can download this game and enjoy it.[4] But most players are petrified, and majority of downloads occur because the power of Satan compels you- er, I mean Jesus.

The game's soundtrack, full of some of the most disturbing noises you will ever let slither into your ears, is also available for purchase via iTunes, Wal-Mart retail, Best Buy, and the black market.[5] Due to the game's "creepiness" level in the soundtrack, it was labeled with an explicit content warning. The music has also served as a personal anthem to murderers and mobsters alike. Some may even call the music, "Jack the Ripper's ripped CDs".



For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

Like all horror games not designed for mere mortals, Amnesia is played in the first-person perspective of DOOM. To make the game much scarier, certain controls in the game have been made more finicky. For instance, to open doors, you must press multiple keys repeatedly while standing on your head and waving the mouse in front of your face. This gives the player a useless amount of stealth, which is negated by feelings of suspense and despair.

A pesky motherfucker.

While you do these impossible tasks, you must keep Daniel's sanity intact; good luck with that though, because he's a total pussy. Examples of these inevitable fates that could send Daniel's pathetic sanity skyrocketing off the You-Have-Fucked-Up-Now cliff include gazing at monsters, such as the Slenderman, being a pussy by remaining in the darkness any longer than five minutes, witnessing horrors, and other things. Side-effects include vomiting, hallucinations, a feeling of loneliness, suicide, hopelessness, depression, and chronic diarrhea. Please contact your doctor if you are pregnant or may become pregnant. Once the player leads Daniel to the light, like a six-year old at night, sanity is restored. Did I mention he was a pussy?

When monsters spot Daniel, they will pursue him like a cheetah through the Safari on a hot summer day. The game does not let the player use weapons, so Daniel must resort to hiding in places where the monster cannot see him. Hiding in plain sight is not encouraged, unless the player likes dying. The best solution to not being seen is to quit and go back to whatever you were doing, rather than wasting your time on this horrific game. Otherwise, the player must find the best place to hide. With this, if Daniel is out of sight, the monster gives up and goes back to doing whatever monsters do, like going back to the labs in Monsters, Inc. An early idea was dropped for this concept, in which the makers of the game were considering allowing the player to resort to the idiotic tactic of hiding under a box, in an allusion to Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid.[6] However, this action is considered lethal and has even been banned in eleven different states, including Israel. These were results of the idea being dropped after an employee stated that the idea was "gay".

A neat feature is the ability to barricade doors with rocks and chairs. This can allow certain players who faced similar situations in real life[7] to relate to the game better.

The game's makers recommend playing this game at the crack-ass of midnight, with no source of light present within a mile radius except for the faint moonlight and the dim glow that occasionally emanates from the screen. They state that this is recommended because "it is horrifying". They also recommend that several caged, howling wolves should be positioned around the perimeter of your property, adding to the ambiance of the gameplay. These recommendations have been known to cause heart attacks. Lord knows why they haven't been sued.[8] The game also recommends wearing headphones at full blast while playing, and to expect to lose, because they want you to absorb the painful terror that will haunt you forever, even if they don't expect you to win.


Amnesia: The Dark Descent

A pesky motherfucker, in motion.

In the late August of the ancient year 1889, Daniel, an Englishman awakens with no background story in the walls of some castle that doesn't need to be named. Thus, the story always throws the player into spine-shivering terror. It seems that Daniel was suffering from amnesia, because he can only remember his first name, his gender, that he lives in Mayfair, that something is hunting him, and that his shoelaces were undone.

The player immediately could become thrown into utter confusion where the player must walk through drippings coming from Daniel's lower groin area. Soon he finds a note, that is written by him for him. In the note it tells him that his memory was wiped for no reason, and to kill the Baron, Alexander the Target.

The rest of the plot is barely understandable, because the player is too busy having anxiety attacks while being chased by darkness and shivering with the fear that something is behind the player in real life.[9]

In the end, after all the chaos subsides, the player enters a realm of peace where Alexander doesn't die, meaning you wasted your precious time and bodily fluids for nothing. Some girl also appears and tells Daniel that everything will be alright, despite the player being scarred for life by the entire game. However, some players[10] say the ending was the most perfectly disappointing ending in any video game.

Amnesia: Justine (DLC)

The game also includes some downloadable content where the player takes control of a big-breasted and unnamed female. The unnamed female wakes up, obviously suffering from amnesia, in a dungeon with no clothes and a phonograph. The female then finds a recording similar to Princess Leia's in A New Hope, telling her that she is the subject of a psychological test... with science![11] Immediately after, the player is put into action. The player must escape or die, the latter happening much more often.[12]


The player spends the entire game naked, as the character's memories had been changed to think clothes were useless. Much like in the main game, the player is given multiple puzzles that are more aimed for incredibly ballsy third-graders. The player has the option to skip the puzzles, but every time they do, an innocent person is fated to die horribly.

The player's character is stalked by three perverts, who happen to be undead zombies. These monsters are confirmed to be three exes that Justine once dated in her past, but are now hungry for more... back from the dead. Throughout this lethal-yet-exciting adventure, the player must collect notes hidden on various haunted-looking structures, similar to the Slender game, however this game adds to that by revealing some "fun facts" on the female's background.

The game has various endings, and the boring ones are extremely cheesy. All of these endings depend on how many incredibly simple puzzles the player solves[13], along with how many innocent people weren't killed by the player's laziness. You kept everything inside and even though you tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to you will eventually be a memory of a time when you tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter! The ending to this DLC version of Amnesia and the meaning to this Linkin Park song are the same, because the ending to Amnesia: Justine is almost exactly the same as that song. When the player reaches the end of the game, the unnamed female finds a phonograph doing phonograph things, chilling from the ceiling, "hanging out". The nameless female with then proceed to yank on the phonograph and it results in a giant object falling down and crushing her body and bones. The next scene shows a girl waking up in a science lab, discovering from some random kidnapping bastards that it was all just a science experiment. By this time, the player could relate the ending of the DLC version of Amnesia to the beginning of the first Assassin's Creed. One of the scientists reveal that she was being tested to see if she had a soul. She then proceeds to walk down an aisle where any of the surviving victims start to thank her. If all three were saved, she does a sort of catwalk down the aisle. If no victims survived, she looks like you; totally socially awkward and talking to yourself.


A sequel has been confirmed, because the game's creators are delusional and believe we haven't been scared enough. The sequel is called Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. Currently, the game is much scarier than its predecessor. Oh lord!

References from Hell

  1. Whatever, it's comparable
  2. Rage-quitting-fag
  3. Just play it and you'll see.
  4. There are some badasses out there.
  5. That's where I got mine.
  6. Many have played this game
  7. Like rape victims...
  8. He is almighty
  9. Play it.
  10. The players who did not die while playing Amnesia
  11. What else would it be? Social studies?
  12. Videos on YouTube, messages online, Facebook statuses, newspapers, reviews, etc.
  13. My 2-year old brother solved these like it was nothing

See also

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9-11: The Video Game | Alien vs Predator: Street Fighter | Amnesia: The Dark Descent | Cooking With The Chefs: Hannibal | The Last of Us | Monster Party | Games that a clown will ask you to play | Godzilla | Resident Evil | Silent Hill | Slender | Snakes on a Play for Wii | Space Invaders | Yu-Gi-Oh! | Zork