Metal Gear Solid
[a shot of a scuba diver from behind, swimming towards something in the distance; a shot from ahead; a shot from below; credits begin over electronic/industrial intro music; a shot from far below looking up; credits continue for some time; scuba diver makes his way to the surface of the water; a shot of him surfacing; the diver gets out of the water…]
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COLONEL: Snake
SNAKE: Campbell
COLONEL: Alright Snake, let’s go over the basics one more time. This is an Uncyclopedia article. To read it, use your EYES. Move them left-to-right, and use your BRAIN to internally recognize the words. The words are graphic representations of phonetic sounds that make up something called "language". As you read the article in this manner, you will eventually run out of words to read on the page. Once this happens, you will have to SCROLL.
SNAKE: Scroll?
COLONEL: To SCROLL, either use the SCROLL WHEEL, or scroll manually by engaging the LEFT MOUSE BUTTON to "click" the arrow pointing down in the lower right-hand corner of the screen. You can also drag the scroll bar by clicking and holding the left mouse button and moving the mouse in a downward motion. This will move the page down so that you can continue reading.
SNAKE: Got it.
COLONEL: While you are reading, you will likely come across text that is in blue. These are called links.
SNAKE: Links!?
COLONEL: Yes, links. Links can take you to other Uncyclopedia articles, if you so choose to navigate away from this page. To engage a link, navigate the mouse over to it and press the LEFT MOUSE BUTTON.
SNAKE: Right. Just like in VR Training...
COLONEL: Yes. However, you will not be engaging any links until you make it to the end of this article. Your mission is to finish reading this article…
Metal Gear Solid (Metal Gear Solid!?) is a tactical espionage action game and the first game in the Metal Gear Solid series. It was written and directed by Hideo Kojima (Hideo Kojima!?), and has received critical acclaim for its innovative gameplay, cinematic tone, redundant dialog, lengthy codec conversations, and other things that interrupt and then distract the player from the game. It grapples with the nature of War, the human condition, and the awesomeness of women's butts. It is also well-known for constant instances of the protagonist repeating nouns in the form of a question.
Plot Overview
After rogue terrorist group FOXHOUND captures a military installation on an island codenamed Shadow Moses (Shadow Moses!?) in Alaska, then-retired Solid Snake is sent in to—
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COLONEL: Snake, this section of the article explains the plot of the game. The "plot" is the actions and events that take place within the game itself. The term "storyline" is often used as a synonym for "plot". Reading this section of the article is just like before: read with your eyes while using your brain.
—to infiltrate the complex and take out FOXHOUND. FOXHOUND is holding two particularly important hostages: DARPA Chief Donald Anderson and ArmsTech President Kenneth Baker. At FOXHOUND’s disposal is the Genome Army—a unit made up of genetically engineered super soldiers with improved senses and intelligence—as well as the nuclear-armed battle mech Metal Gear REX. Snake must take out the terrorists, rescue the hostages, and destroy Metal Gear REX.
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MEI LING: Snake, I understand this is quite a lot to take in. Do you want to save your progress reading the article?
SAVE / DO NOT SAVE
MEI LING: Remember, Snake, it’s as Confucius said: everything has beauty, except ugly things. Ugly things can go die in a never ending hole of pain and despair.
Gameplay
Stealth
Metal Gear Solid is a tactical espionage action game, and is therefore built around the element of stealth. The player will spend most of their time trying to avoid enemy detection. Once spotted by an enemy, the game immediately goes into Alert Mo—
!
ALERT
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EVASION
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CAUTION
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BING!
—Alert Mode. While in Alert Mode, you must either avoid enemies or kill enough of them so that they don’t bother y—
!
ALERT
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EVASION
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CAUTION
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BING!
—bother you. To evade detection, it is best to—
!
ALERT
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psr-r-r-r-rt!
EEEAAARRRGGGHHH! Eeeaaarrrggghhh!
eeeaaarrrggghhh!
Snake? SNAKE!?
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAME OVER
BA-BA-BAAAANGGG
Gameplay
Stealth
Metal Gear Solid is a tactical espionage action game, and is therefore built around the element of stealth. The player will spend most of their time trying to avoid enemy detection. Once spotted by an enemy, the game immediately goes into Alert Mode. While in Alert Mode, you must either avoid enemies or kill enough of them so that they don’t bother you. To evade detection, it is best to crawl underneath something and wait out the Alert, or just backtrack to the last loading screen so you won’t be in Alert anymore.
Combat
The game features a simple yet fairly intuitive combat system. Snake can use a variety of weapons, all of which he can conceal on his person without any visible means of carrying them. Snake—a martial arts expert—can also utilize a number of unarmed physical attacks. These are: "punch-punch-kick," "choke," and "flip," respectively.
Boss Battles
[Snake enters a large, empty industrial room, there are crates scattered about, suddenly he hears something; a shot of a projectile coming at Snake from across the room; a shot of Snake dodging it from a side view; Snake does a cool flip move and lands; a shot from over Snake's shoulder of the boss character walking slowly from the other side of the room, laughing arrogantly; the two engage in a rather lengthy dialog...]
So! You wish to hear about the boss battles in Metal Gear Solid, eh? Well then, I'll just [dramatic sweeping gesture] have to tell you! Hagh!
Metal Gear Solid is renowned for its over-dramatic confrontations between Solid Snake and the members of FOXHOUND. The members of FOXHOUND are infamous for their needless flairs [dramatic sweeping gesture] for the dramatic! Hagh! Not only that, but the members of FOXHOUND all have at least one super power or special skill that makes fighting them especially difficult.
Before they fight you, however, the boss characters enjoy explaining copious amounts of their backstory to you. This will typically be done with a cutscene or two, flashbacks, and overly melodramatic music. But then, just before you genuinely start to empathize with them, they swiftly end their exposition and begin explaining ambiguous elements of the plot. This is typically done in a very foreboding tone, and is typically thought of as being unnecessary.
They then say a one-liner and dramatically begin the battle.
Characters
Metal Gear Solid is known for its vast and creative cast of characters.
- Solid Snake: Solid Snake (Solid Snake!?) is the protagonist (protagonist!?) and playable character (playable character!?) of MGS. He can carry massive firearms in his pockets (pockets!?), hits on every female character in the game (flirtation!?), and repeats nouns in the form of questions (nouns!?).
- Liquid Snake: Reader! Liquid Snake (LIQUID!?) is the clone brother of Solid Snake! He talks in an annoyingly unrealistic British accent, and has a massive inferiority complex.
- Meryl Silverburgh: Hotheaded and stubborn, Meryl is not a rookie, OK? She's spent her whole life on the battlefield. Now look at her ass. She has an awesome butt.
- Mei Ling: She's there for when you need to save your game. And that's pretty much the only thing she has ever done. But she still is pretty though. Speaking of pretty, she quotes Confucius many times. While sitting on her awesome butt, no doubt.
- Hal "Otacon" Emmerich: Look, I dunno if Otacon deserves his own little explanatory bit. He's just— Oh my God! Is that FOXHOUND drawing anime!? (Anime!?) Awesome! Otacon has many "character flaws".
- Gray Fox: Gray Fox loves PAIN! Pain...can you give it to him? Snake! Hurt me MORE! Snake! Urgghhh-rghhh!
- Revolver Ocelot: Revolver Ocelot [twirls guns around] is the first [twirls guns] boss character [twirls guns] and the [twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl twirl] and the only one who [twirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirltwirl] survives.
- Vulcan Raven: Alaska is Raven's territory. Vulcan Raven has a big powerful voice, and will speak in cryptic metaphors like the Sioux People hunt for Bison in the rain.
- Sniper Wolf: Sniper Wolf spends her time waiting. Waiting, and watching the stupidity of man through the scope of her rifle. Waiting with the top button of her blouse undone. Waiting while popping Diazepams like Skittles.
- Decoy Octopus: Look over there!
- Psycho Mantis: Psycho Mantis is a psychic. He knows you like porn, and that you don't find this page funny.
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SNAKE: Colonel, I've finished reading the article....I didn't find it very amusing. What should I do now?
COLONEL: Well, Snake, you could look at any other number of articles on this wonderful site.
SNAKE: ...
COLONEL: Just a suggestion. Oh, one last thing!
SNAKE: What?
COLONEL: War has indeed changed.
SNAKE: What?
COLONEL: Nothing. Have a great day!
See Also
- Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
- Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
- Solid Snake (Solid Snake!?)
- Psyyyy-cho Man-tis
- Playstation
- Box
After the Credits
OCELOT: Yes, he finished the entire article...no, I don't think there were any complications...yes, I'll be sure to let you know if things get out of hand.... No problem sir. I'll keep in touch.
