UnScripts:A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

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A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

The End, Legendary Sniper

Snake: Oh my God, it’s The End, the Legendary Sniper!

The End: I’m Old!

Snake: O-oh God, he’s going to shoot me! Jesus Christ!

The End: Will you be my friend? How come you don’t visit me anymore, Snake?

Snake: I’ve got to sneak up on The End, but how?

The End: Oh God, I’m old! In need…ointment!

Snake: Hands up!

The End: W-w-w-wha-wha how did you get here!?

Snake: Give me your gun, now!

The End: But Snake, but…but Snake…my hip hurts…my hip hurts….

Snake: End, give me your gun!

The End: But Snake…but Snake…will you be my friend? But Snake….

Snake: Give me your gun now!

The End: I want to die. Oh God.

Snake: I must call Black Guy now….

Snake & Black Guy

br-r-rp br-r-rp…br-r-rp br-r-rp

Snake: Black Guy….

Sigint (in a black guy voice): Yo Snake, I see you got a ’45.

Snake: Yes, I know, as a matter of fact it’s the same model ’45 used by the [awkward pause] Los Angeles Police Department. They use it to kill Mexicans and put Blacky down.

Sigint: Wha?

Snake: Y-you know what? Just forget I said that part. Anyway, it’s a very nice gun. You see, the grip’s been gripified to allow for better grip during combat situations. The trigger is nice, and shiny, and I think it looks pretty cool. The finish has been polished to a mirror sheen so you can look at yourself in the mirror and fix your hair during combat situations. The sight: this gun has a sight so you can aim. That is very important when using a gun. Also, the gun comes with all-silver bullets and is magic so it can kill werewolves. This is a very nice gun.

Sigint (in a different black guy voice): You seem to know about guns a lot, don’t ya, Snake?

Snake: Yes, thank you Black Guy. You know, Black Guy, I’m in a box right now.

Sigint (not in a black guy voice): Snake, why are you in a box?

Snake: It’s very good for camouflage. Why…were you not talking like a black guy?

Sigint (in an exaggerated black guy voice): Whatevah, Snake.

Snake: You know what Black Guy? Screw you, I’m going to go call Para-medic and save my game progress: she’s much nicer.


br-r-rp br-r-rp…br-r-rp br-r-rp

Para-Medic: Snake, do you wanna save?

Snake: ‘Snake, do you want to save?’ What kind of stupid question is that? I just went through four menus—

(Para-Medic: But Snake…)

Snake: —after pressing the select button—four Goddamn menus, and you ask me if I want to save or not? What do you think, Para-medic, what the hell do ya think?

Para-Medic: So you want to save?

Snake: Yes.

Para-Medic: Are you sure?

Snake: Yes.

Para-medic: Okay, I’m saving.

Snake: Okay.

Para-medic: Uh, Snake? I’ve run out of movies, and the Colonel’s pretty boring—

(Snake: God dammit….)

Para-medic: —but, I have a yeast infection.

Snake: Gah! You know how feminine hygiene disgusts me! Fuck you, Para-medic! Fuck. You.