Weapon is anything that can be used for amusement (not to be confused with household debt)... Weapons are generally used to expedite otherwise intractable arguments. Weapons have been hailed as the most efficient time savers available to all mankind.
In the year 2005 alone, it is estimated that use of weapons saved over $600 billion dollars in productivity by eliminating unnecessary debate, inarticulate ideas, purposeless banter, political waste and needless religious dialogue. Countless people (primarily rednecks) use weapons as a cure for boredom.
Also, the weapon producing industry generates nearly 3 quadrillion dollars a year.
So, in 2005, the world saved and made a combined sexual tourism funds thanks to weapons.
Weapons save an estimated 175 million lives a year.
Origin of Weapons[edit | edit source]
For centuries man had been fighting amongst them selfs, with nothing more than shaking fists and REALLY bad words. As humanity struggled to eliminate one another it became apparent that this was very bad for business. Heaven was a ghost town, their urban renewal projects and new water parks were failed ventures, as death rates fell to an all time low in human history. God would have to come up a new plan to save heaven. At first he tried introducing punching and kicking, but without shoes it takes a really long time to kill, and I mean really REALLY kill. After his first plan had failed to save heavens downtown, God introduced smoking, one his greatest ideas after lesbians and Dr.Pepper. Although originally thought to a deadly carcinogen, it turned out smoking actually adds 7 minutes to you life for each cigarette you smoke, 69 after having sex. After their plan of killing with smoking failed, they saw a vision in the sky that foresaw the coming of a great prophet. The man with no chin...
...Then came Chuck Norris, the malevolent creator of man (he managed to kick a hole in space time and stole the idea from God). By his teaching, man learned the ways of gun-fu. With this new knowledge, man could kill .003% more efficiently. Causing the annual death rate to exceed the birth rate of dinosaurs, leading to their extinction. The first weapons of course, were bananas. From this, all of our modern killing machines ranging from the super banana (penis) or the most deadly of them all, wrong religion, came to be and continue to kill to this day.
Evolution of Weapons[edit | edit source]
By the rise of the Egyptians, people decided there were better things to beat each other with than sticks. Some more advanced civilizations just in Egypt. Then along came the Greeks. The Greeks realised that if you quit beating people, and started using sharp edges to gouge them, they died even faster!! Archimedes is generally credited with crediting the first edged weapon, the butter knife. Rapid improvements came along, and Greek armies began stabbing people left and right.
Until the Romans stabbed the Greeks, and the Greeks became far more interested in pederasty.
The Chinese added further innovations, like off-key singing and the death of 1000 cuts. Soon, armies were riding on horses and stabbing people, which is funny as shit to watch, because it really sucks to take a spear to the chest when the spear is backed by an 2000 pound animal running full sprint and spitting snot everywhere. Also during this time, the long bow was introduced, creating the pleasure of destroying your target from a distance of apprx. 200 yds.
As man ventured into the 21st century, the weapon of choice was the spoon, preferably rusty, these deadly "spades of mayhem" are used all over the world, from the battlefield of some shit-hole country to the streets of some shit-hole city. According to the ancient Tai-spong manual, a spoon should be thrusted into the head of an opponent and repeated continuously until said opponent is either dead or is shitting profusely.
Weapons during the Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
By the Middle Ages, English knights dashed about the realms of the world stabbing people all the time, often just because it's funny to stab people.
Many commoners got deeply pissed about all the unnecessary stabbing. They decided to find a way to stab back. But, they were really poor, and therefore were in the habit of taking all their metal weapons to the recycling center for cash.
Robin Hood appeared, and told them how to make arrows. The arrows totally kicked ass, and the commoners butchered the knights.
Weapons during the Enlightenment[edit | edit source]
The knights weren't too happy about all the dying with arrows in their chests. A collapsed lung is a bad way to die, for sure. Can't blame 'em, right?
The Knights embarked on a noble journey to find Merlin. After extorting, pillaging, raping, and persecuting their way through several countries, they found him and decreed that unless he helped them, they would rape everyone he knew and burn him as a Heretic. Needless to say, he agreed and provided them with gunpowder weapons. The Knights found the smell of the powder offensive, however, and decided to force the commoners still under their control to operate them. This has been hailed as the second most idiotic decision ever made by self-righteous inbreeds in the history of the world. The peasant masses blew the Knights away as fast as they laid hands on the guns, thus ending the medieval period.
Weapons since Gunpowder[edit | edit source]
After using guns that were shredded up a.k.a. gun powder, they developed lasers. These lethal weapons completely pwn your enemies. They sell these weapons at your local Walmart and can usually be found in the toys section and sometimes in the toiletries section. If the weapons are not found in the areas previously listed, you must go to the women's hygene section and successfully complete the hokey pokey. from this point someone will direct you to the weapons.
When you buy a laser you need to have two double A batteries and then there you have it. A deadly weapon that could take down a nation. If you don't have the money to buy the laser, just bring it to the front desk and give the clerk a quick blast in the head.
Weapons in the Future[edit | edit source]
There may be no so called weapons in the future. The government plans to blank all of our memories and remove them all in one crazy weekend except for mine. Also in this weekend George W. Bush shall eat 26 Bananas and claim to be a monkey which we all know is true anyway. They will be replaced by weapons that are in built into every childs' shoulder and only fire when someone is truly mean. This is a main part of Plan for world peace and is forecast to raise general happiness levels by 6.2% by 3012.
In addition, the People's Liberation Army has also been rumoured to be preparing a new weapon of mass distraction in anticipation of a full-scale invasion of Russia, Europe and North America. The new weapon is expected to
- disrupt Western and Russian forces by acting as a wide-ranged anti-personnel weapon of mass disablement;
- spread Communist propaganda and sermons of the good news on the benefits of occupation and englightened despotism; and
- lastly, as a device of torture by assaulting people who have good tastes and are seen by Beijing as being decadent counter-revolutionary feudal liberal conservative capitalist Fascist gweilo exploiters of the Third World.
The weaponisation programme being run by the Chinese is (im)probably known as the Cantopop-gun Project.
A Quick Explanation of Weapons[edit | edit source]
A long time ago, people hunted animals with only their hands. Eventually, we learned how to hunt animals with rocks. Pleased with this discovery, we then learned that we could sharpen the rock to make it even more deadly. By this time, we learned that we could use these rocks on each other. To make the job easier, we put the sharpened rock on a stick, to keep the other person away from us. After a few hundred years passed, John McCain discovered that if the stick was shortened, it could be launched farther. Having received mass fame for this, he then decided to remove the stick entirely, and just launch the rock from a barrel. WWI occurred, and people found if you put the rocks around the thing that went boom, they could kill more people at once. This "grenade", as people called it, was struck with a growth ray and became the A-bomb. Soon after, Justin Bieber came into existence, and psychological warfare was introduced.
The True Story of Weapons[edit | edit source]
Beginning in approximately 100000030 B.C., weapons began with the nuclear cruise missile. Early Mesopotamians, understanding the primitiveness of the N.C.M., improved on it to create the awesome ROCK. Thrown at a high enough velocity, they could cause severe damage to the head if aimed correctly. More improvements led to the spear, which could be thrown more accurately, as well as serving as a useful phallic image for those perverted cavemen. Eventually, the Chinese evolved and made gunpowder for fireworks. Europeans, realizing the sissyness of fireworks, created the gun, then the sniper rifle, then the machine gun. Then they finally made a full automatic cherry scented assault pistol rifle with laser scope that also shoots grenades. It has been hailed as a life saver, as people no longer mess about with pathetic knives and whatnot. But anyways, sniper rifles are
so awesome not as awesome as swords, but still pretty damn awesome. Then of course, Gwen Stefani started making music, and mass murder was introduced.