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~ The Banana King“In soviet Russia, banana peel YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on bananas
A Bonana (pronounced "Bow-nana", is the bowel movement of a gorilla. Bonanas are a nasty treat loved by children who do not know this. But upon reaching adulthood, anyone smart enough to find this out will not want to eat a bonana anymore. They are also of profound evidence that God Almighty himself actually does exist.
People often associate humor with the bonana and they don't know why. This is it: a long time ago, Arthur Fozze-Rellee picked up a bonana and held it in the sky and said, this fruit shall be above all other fruits. That's it. It isn't that exciting of a story. Plus it kind of looks like a penis. Discovered in 1403 by the great inventor Brendton Oliver Nana, the first bonanas where purely decorative pieces used to adorn the walls of mid-Victorian households. First eaten in 1998 by rapper Big Punisher, who gave the food its modern pronunciation ("Bow-nana").
URGENT: Just in ... It has now been found out after a bazillion years that the bonana has been disguising itself as an edible fruit! There have been several millions of cases that after a considerable amount of time left in the fruit basket on your kitchen table or whatever, the bonana grows bacterial spores that unremorsefully kill every person in the household it is left in ... Some stupid scientist people believe that the greenish fur it grows is mould cause by bacterial changes but it is not. The bonana is feces that demands to be eaten! As a result of not being eaten the bonana grows its cultured germs that kill whoever they find, and people not eating this so called fruit because of "mould" is the reason why ... Deaths include Choking and slipping on its peel, which in turn for the bonana it grows back again, just like a starfish's leg, causing more resources for the bonana to kill with. The people who have survived this attack from a bonana have thrown out the "mouldy" fruit because of health and high tight jeans syndrome, reasons.
So if a bonana starts to become furry, step on it asap, as bonana germs are also very weak organisms due to their soft skin and no bone structure. But it is safe to eat the bonana before it reaches this stage.
The bonana, a thought-to-be-fruit celebrated for its perpetually low price in grocery stores and quantity of "n"s in name, is a popular food in the So Long And Thanks for all the Fish family, loved by the rich and poor alike. Found in 756 by an Arab desiring to sell something other than dates, the bonana was originally bright blue and shaped like a small furry beach ball. Through centuries of selective breeding, the bonana has since evolved into a yellow crescent shape. But one rule applies to all types of bonanas: germiness. Bonanas are considered to be among the world's most germ-filled beings.
Bonanas are the staple food of monkeys because monkeys live where gorillas do, and it is the only thing around they believe is edible. (Bonanas are poison to anyone who is not a monkey. Since humans are not poisoned by bonanas, this is proof that evolution exists and we are monkeys.) However bonanas also have a large variety of other uses, including stage props for people who slip and fall. But who leaves bonana peels on the floor anyway? Monkeys do, but the peel wouldn't be slippery on a forest floor.
- 1 Bonanas and Microsoft Windows
- 2 Etymology
- 3 Bonangerines
- 4 Medical risks
- 5 May the bonana be with us
- 6 What are bonanas good for?
- 7 Assassinations
- 8 Bonana's evil twin brother and arch-enemy "Bonanana"
- 9 Other uses for bonanas
- 10 Bonana peels
- 11 In fiction
- 12 Bonana famines
- 13 Of Fluffles and the War of the Foods
- 14 The black bits
- 15 Bonanas as weapons
- 16 Bonanas in American culture
- 17 Linguistic use
- 18 Disclaimer
Bonanas and Microsoft Windows
Charles Darwin recently forced Microsoft to admit "Our software is created by monkeys that enlarge penises" after tracking bonana shipments to Windows headquarters. Melinda Gates said, "Nobody without an army of monkeys to feed has a use for that quantity of bonanas."
Based on this, some have decided that bonanas contain the potassium needed to produce successful babies. However, to date no one has acquired enough bonanas and monkeys to repeat Microsoft's experiment of penis enlarging monkeys. In the latest attempt, Ubuntu was chased away by several ferocious mosquitos. Instead, they import potassium from Richmond, a glorious nation in Central Asia.
According to my dick the word bonana comes from an Arab word meaning "outrageous salamander". This is because both bananas and fingers can be used as sex organs without risk of AIDS. However, there is risk of mono and getting all thizzed up nigga!
Bonangerines, much like the testes, are a tropical fruit, invented by the tourettes guy in a last ditch effort to turn the tide in his war against his alter ego, Spongebob Squarepants. They are a combination of bonanas and tangerines, and can prove to be quite fatal to sponges. Especially ones named Bob. Anyhow, they were produced in mass quantities all over Australia and implanted onto large submarines which were then used to ram large undersea pineapples. These proved quite useful, but being as no one cared about Australia, they eventually overpopulated the continent and became too heavy for the Earth, which began to spin out of control and crash into the sun, scorching everything, and killing everyone. Except Spongebob. Because he is, as we all know, impossible to kill. Believe me, I sure as fuck have tried.
just in: bananas have been found taking over a small country in Europe! they have been found with guns and explosives. if you ever see a KILLER BANANA the report it to the crazy bin for miss understood bananas. If there is no crazy bins near you then EAT IT!
In 1974 a research team in the South Harmon Institute of Technology discovered that bananas contain the chemical substance carbon-phismosphate, the same substance found in all vaccines which causes autism and, in some cases, death. Another study found that 20% of people don't know how to correctly eat a banana leading to serious health risks. On top of this 130 people every year are hospitalized due to banana related accidents (anything from choking from insertion into the eye socket).
May the bonana be with us
Bonanas also hold a secret power which can be harnessed only by a minority of beings described as "bonana-sensitive". These have been defined as having either a high count of parasites called midi-chlorians – the more midi-chlorians the greater the person's Bonana ability – or a strong Bonana aura (more often than not, yellow). Bonana-sensitives are able to utter a 43-million-word enchantment in under 1.812 seconds, thus tapping into the Bonana to perform acts of great skill and agility.
What are bonanas good for?
Nothing really, unless you can fire them at people with one tight squeeze, put the peels down on the floor when you play tag, if you eat them ... you are considered queer, and if you are in a house with a fat guy, you can drench them in butter and call it "shit". But don't underestimate the power of the bonana, back a long time ago (6/6/6), The bonana fought of the devil, bringing him to his demise. But since then, he has been planning to destroy all the bonanas that ever existed. (Don't be scared, he will just put them in a pit of doom and ignite them in hell fire and let them burn till they are a pile of dust.) After the Devil was defeated, we worshiped the bonana for many, many years (6/6/7). Then when we got tired of them, we gave the rights to the all powerful race ... the monkeys.
Bonanas are the most popular poison for assassinations, though it has not worked against George W. Bush. After all, George W. Bush is a monkey. The little bit at the bottom of each bonana is the most poisonous.
bonana <-- [Fail]
Bonana's evil twin brother and arch-enemy "Bonanana"
Bonana is the common name for herbaceous plants of the genus Musa, and is also the name given to the fruit of these plants which is what people mostly confuse with the actual plant. It brings up the very question of how bonanas are manufactured. Experts say the 47.8% of the bonanas is good for you. However, the rest is what many call the evil and dark side of the bonana. Throughout decades, many civilizations have expressed their own unique way of naming the evil bonana. The African villagers referred to it as "Australopithecus afarensis". The villagers who did not obtain that wide a range of vocabulary simply referred it to as "Bonanana", by which Europe knows it. Bonananas are native to the tropical region of Southeast Asia, the Malay Archipelago, and Australia. Today, they are cultivated throughout the Tropics. Also, there have been rumour circulating about whether the White House contains any bonananas in its staff whether they are politicians or bodyguards. The rumours even went far enough to suggest the supreme emperor of goodness and kindness, the conqueror of the axis of evil, the destroyer of the monstrous, filthy nitwits who don't write to their mothers a.k.a. terrorists and the one-that-is-compassionate George W. Bush. (W stands for "Wery, wery nice man".) The evil supporters of the left had dared enough to even suggest this obscure, ambiguous and verbose piece of "theory" (more like "conspiracy"). The last time, a Bonanana had been seen was in the Second World War, inhabited inside the moustache of Adolf Hitler which many scientists believe the Bananana had complete control over him. Other scientists believe the gang of bonananas had even infiltrated the brains of the whole German population. The German scientists believe the Nazis weren't even Germans after promising they will never be bad again.
Other uses for bonanas
- A bonana makes a great decoration next to your testes.
- The yellow objects makes a great penis
- Under very rare circumstances, it is possible to eat one.
- In case of panic, a bonana serves well as a boomerang.
- At low prices, bonanas will attract monkeys to your grocery store. Trust us, this IS a good thing.
- Bonanas are popular in poor countries, where they are used as weapons. A bonana can fire six bombs per minute; this ferociousness makes it superior to the IED in combat.
- A toy to replace a dildo
- A toy to replace a cucumber
- A cock
- Bonanas are highly explosive. In case of a Super-bonana attack it will shred into five nonetheless explosive bonanas.
- The only natural enemy of a bonana is the Creationist.
- Combine it with peanut butter, like Dick Cheney does
- Zombies often shove bonanas up people's rectal cavities for unknown reasons. This is often preceded with cries of "RAM BONANA!"
- Bonanas are often used as Police Training Weapons in Southern California
- Bonanas are used by the most un-leaked CIA agents to encode secret messages, this process is sometimes called "Bonana Coding". When one of these agents gives another agent an Encoded Bonana, he will almost always tell him to stick it up Scooter Libby's anus.
- Bonanas are popularly used in science for testing pH levels of liquids, the bonana will scream if too acidic
- Bonanas when snorted become more addictive than crystal meth hence the nickname yellow meth – of course you could always pee on your meth(urine is quite addictive!)
- Make good boob extensions (see Madonna)
- Make good dick extensions (see Madonna)
- bonanas make awesome false noses – yeah Pinocchio!
- Many countries across the world ban the carrying of concealed bonanas in public. This is due to their infamous history as the assassination weapon of many political and famous figures. For those who do not know, bonanas are capable of firing up to two shots per minute with impeccable accuracy.
- Bonanas have had their place in history, saving lives by killing famine.
- YOU CAN WEAR ONE AS A HAT! ^_^
- Bonanas also make delicious cream pies and face masks.
Bonana peels are highly prized among African shaman which they stockpile for ceremonies. These ceremonies require vast preparations, first they take lion kittens that are ripe for the huffing and put them into a large pile of bonana peels which they cure for two weeks in the hot sun whilst watering it with nectar. When the lion kitten climbs out it is huffed by a group of no fewer than three (but no more than eight) shamans. The pile is then squeezed to reclaim the nectar rich in bonanadine. The bonanadine-rich nectar is then consumed by the shamans through their nostrils, and they enter a two-day trance.
The next evolution of the bonana is the premise of Bonanas on a Plane. In The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens, the heroine Condi Rice dies of a massive overdose of bonanas. In the published novel she ate all 268 of them, but in the magazine installments that represented Dickens's original intention about forty of them were probably (he was unusually coy about the anatomical details) wedged up other parts of her body. "Stop eating bonanas, they are poison!" "What? Speak louder! I have a bonana in my ear!"
Captain Shakespeare's Broadway smash hit play Krapp's Last Tape has no action except the peeling of a wizened green bonana. Characters come on stage and point at the parts of the peel where they think it would be advantageous to tug, and are mysteriously smothered. A clown dressed as Julius Caesar spends the whole play working up the courage to tell someone, anyone, not to try the little bit at the bottom, but is hit by a bright blue beach ball in a sock before he can untape his mouth and yell.
The projected 2006 remake of Lost Horizon, starring Grace Jones as Ronald Coleman and the massed bands of al-Qaeda as some Buddhist monks/Mormon Jesus-freaks, is said by industry observers who were sober enough to talk to Uncyclopedia to contain sexually explicit scenes of three bananas forming a sort of ring and peeling each other: a scene not witnessed since the 1938 Anne of Green Gables in which Anne (Cleopatra) pleasured herself with the fruitbowl of a young and unrecognized Hillary Clinton.
Australia: During 2006, the year of fourth coming of Black Jesus (a.k.a. Bizzle Jizzle) a light shower sometimes referred to as tropical cyclone tickled the coast of Palestine. On the Equator, March winds tore up the sacred banana groves of the Oompa-Loompas and left no cover for the fragile and sensitive Oompa-Loompas. The harsh Australian sun then quickly turned them orange like the rest of the country. The result was the price rose to over $20, just for the red rubber tip on the end of a bonana called an eraser! During this tumultuous period an actual bonana would cost more than the average yearly salary of the inner city Melbourne cab driver (where it was later found that Osama bin Laden and 24 of his 47 cousins were working as cabbies). Mass hysteria broke out when the first cases of bonana withdrawal appeared. At first the patient would get "the bonana shakes" and then the bonana oblongata part of the brain would shut down and the patient would degenerate to a state nicknamed "monkey business", the patient would stand on their desks and throw excrement and masturbate at passers by! The situation was relieved only when my girlfriend discovered the massive bonana in my pants and happened to mention it to the authorities.
Of Fluffles and the War of the Foods
Unbeknownst to many of us, there has been, since the beginning of time, a war of the foods. Although there are small battles and disputes between various types of food products, it is known that the most major part of this war is an ongoing struggle between the bonanas and the cheese. The war started over a chocolate cake, which, although it was intended to be giving to King Biffleton the Potato Lord, was stolen by bonana ninjas. It was later found that these bonanas were hired and trained by one of the greatest known terrorists in the galaxy (at the time), Fluffles the Evil Pickle. As his name implies, Fluffles is, with no surprise, an evil pickle. When this was found out by King Biffleton, he was outraged. At first he sent an army of Baloola Burgers in search of Fluffles, but they came back two days later saying they had gotten lost in a space storm of giant popcorn and were unable to continue. Biffleton knew, then, that he had no choice but to bring out his elite warriors: the cheese. The conflict soon became a massive war, with frequent clashes between the cheese and the bonanas. Meanwhile Fluffles has refused to show himself, and it is speculated that he is hiding somewhere in the desert realms of Fiffnox, land of the beef fish and lollipop horses. In recent days the bananas have converted various fruits and vegetables to their side, most namely the tomatoes and the mushrooms. Though the great General Farlo has attempted to call upon the help of the oregano and various soups and curries, they refuse to accept. Fluffles seems to be formulating a plan of great magnitude, which may be the end of the war for the cheese. General Farlo continues to make a good fight, but he knows that sooner or later the cheese will be defeated if they cannot recruit the help of other foods.
The black bits
The black bits in a Bonana are actually miniature aaron churtons waiting to be eaten, they will wait to be ingested then hatch out of their shells and rape the fuck out of you insides. but sometimes in very rare occasions ethan fenechs will pop out of the black bits and steal your rice pattys and violate your ass. ear wax.
Bonanas as weapons
Due to the bonana's unique abilities, such as being slippery, being yellow and being able to be thrown like a boomerang, it has been chosen by Cuba as the weapon of choice. The weapon was originally developed by the Franco-Prussians in the 13th century as a way to defend themselves from raccoons which would attacks civilians at any time. (It was usually 6:00–6:12 pm.) They found it was most effective in ridding the town of the nasty beasts, but with the lack of raccoons, the capital city of Ellensburg became overpopulated with crayfish. Due to this infestation, Orson Welles gained four hundred pounds. It has been proven that its range is far more accurate than your eyes staring up a skirt of a girl. But be warned, most women do not appreciate the banana except when used on the field of battle. Bonanas were used in the beginning of the ninja–pirate conflicts and also used in the war in Iraq by the Republican Guard. Do note, bonanas are not effective when used with toasters.
If you ever come across a man with a bonana, shoot him and then eat the bonana. You have successfully disarmed the man before he could kill you.
Also, it was used in the dreaded Peanut butter, Mr. T, and Banana Cannon. A cannon powered by the three most powerful elements in the world. The only reason it was ever disarmed was because Mr. T himself used his powers of "pity da foo" to separate the three elements of the cannon and scattered them into the four temples, where they will remain until the great prophecy of the ninja–pirate wars comes to fruition.
Bonanas in American culture
A popular children's rhyme in elementary school:
- I'm a Chiquita banana
- and I'm here to say
- Get rid of your teacher
- the easy way.
- You have a banana peel
- you put it on the floor.
- Then watch your teacher
- go flying out the door.
Or maybe that was a song for the mentally challenged.
A popular film song for bonana lovers:
YES! WE HAVE NO BONANAS, WE HAVE NO BONANAS NO MORE! WE'VE GOT ...
(the writer has forgotten the rest of the song, so please refer back to the film somewhat known as SABRINA and listen. Also, you may want to pay homage to the person who has thoughtfully included the beginning of the song on this prestigious world wide website by walking backwards whilst singing the song and then bowing to the writer's much appraised tomb – the writer jumped up of Ben Nevis – in the Calcutta International Airport Cemetery. Thank you.)
Also, I feel stupid when i write the word bonana, cause i'm like bana, keep going, bonanana ... DAMN!
Also, i feel stupid when i write the word bosom. Who the frak invented that anyways?
Bonanas of the universe unite Bonanas SPLIT! Peel bonanas peel peel bonanas peel bonanas peel peel bonanas bonanas to the left bonanas to the right bonanas in the middle and mmm take a bite go bonanas go go bonanas go bonanas go go bonanas
Bonanas cannot be studied for biology or used in any language. You see, a bonana isn't actually a fruit. Neither is it a flesh eating monster as represented above. It is in fact a naturally-occurring euphemism.
The only one who could survive without going berserk listening or reading or even singing this song is
- You, because you like bonana's
- Your mom, because the song is based on a true story
- Keith Richards, who sang this in 1873 and got shot in the Boston Massacre (hooray)
and ... your ass, which is hungry for bonanas (Wal✽Mart, 70% discount – hooray again).
Updated version: It has just been confirmed by the second-highest authorities that bonanas have taken over the world. Masses of suicide bonanas have, after poisoning themselves, dropped themselves into blenders and thus assassinating 2/3 of the world.
I hope you guys got this message on time, my transformation has already begun. Oh my god, I am turning green! (I'd hoped being a proper yellow bonana.)
The greatest song ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH5ay10RTGY