Winchester rifle

Dick Cheney, With his Winchester.

The mythical Winchester Rifle was born in the ancient town of Winchester, England, and was the firstborn child of King Arthur and the wizard Merlin in 10, 000BC. After the addition of magical wings it crossed to Europe and the New World and is today utilized by Red Necks as part of their wacky home protection arsenal. It has been featured in zombie rom-com 'shaun of the dead' as a Winchester rifle is used to fight off an army of the undead to great comedic effect.

History

It is known that the rifle was first used to kill people by Oliver Winchester nee Hutchinson; who loved the rifle so much he married one and took its last name. Before this date packs of Winchesters used to live wild, ranging across England, America and Europe in feral gangs where they performed military salutes and terrified travellers with their shiny shiny metal bits.

To start with their was no target sales group; when a young man reached a certain age he fasted for three days and then entered the wilderness in order to catch himself a Winchester and prove himself a man. To aid him in this task the elders of the community presented him with a shrimping net, a harpoon, a rabbit, a miniature weasel and a grandfather clock. After a while the Winchester was hunted into extinction in the wild; and special farms had to be created to ensure its survival.

Amazing feats of the rifle include it's semi-automatic rapid fire ability; it's ability to predict the future and the gift of time travel that enables an owner to win the lottery if so desired.

In 1947 the popular AK-47 began breeding out of control in Russia (then the USSR); concern that packs of the AK-47 would move into the Winchester's territory and successfully out compete it into extinction proved unfounded. This was in part due to careful protection of certain areas that had been dedicated to the Winchester's reintroduction to the wild.

Use Today

In Europe, the Winchester can be used against those infected with the rage virus or any other similar Zombie like disease. It can also be used against child gangs typically armed with handguns, as the Winchester has a greater range which allows you to engage at a safe distance from your target.

In America, the Winchester Rifle is mainly used be rednecks either hunting or protecting their homes from Jews, gays, black people, hippies and Muslims. Did I mention black people? Or yankees selling them crazy gizmos from outer space. Generally before firing they use a redneck warcry such as:

"Get er dun!"

"Get of m' proprty' faggt'!"

"Eat this n*g*er!"

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Redneck, with his Winchester

If you encounter a redneck with a rifle.

1. Be white, if you are not get the f*ck out of there!
2. Say the words yall, dang, howdy or other redneck words
3. Be white
4. Have a ready supply of Coors or Budweiser.
5. Move slowly, rednecks cannot see slow moving objects when drunk or high.
6. If you happen to have a black friend along with you, tell the redneck you don't know him.

Statistics

• Apprx. 5,000,000 black people have benn killed with a Winchester in history.
• On a recent poll, 99% of the residents of Dixeville, Kentuckistan own a Winchester rifle or shotgun.
• ???% of the readers of this page think it is more about rednecks with guns than the Winchester rifle.

Notable Rednecks with Winchesters

A Winchester's fast firing mechanism or "Fancy Gizmo".

• George W. Bush
• Everybody in Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Mississippi and Indiana. Also applies to some people in rural Wisconsin, Alaska, Nebraska, Kansas and Arkansas.
• Jeff Foxworthy
• Everybody with two first names, like Ricky Bobby
• Anyboby who watches NASCAR.
• Dick Cheney, of course.
• God, who has a specially made magical Winchester .