Donkey Kong Island

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
DK Island
Flag of Donkey Kong Island.png Seal of DK Island.png
Flag Coat of Arms
Anthem: DK Rap
Donkey Kong Island Highlighted in Green.png
CapitalJungle City
Largest cityFunky Kong's Sex Palace
GovernmentMonarchy, Banana Oligarchy
‑ KingCranky Kong
‑ Head of DK CrewDonkey Kong
National Hero(es)Donkey Kong, Chunky Kong, King Kong, Funky Kong, Jimmy Page Kong, Albino Monkey
CurrencyBanana Coins
Population67% apes, 31% worthless pieces of shit
Major exportsBanana Pipe, Bananas, coconuts, ties
Major importsfirearms, assault weapons, machetes

 Donkey Kong after brutally executing a Kremlin by decapatation

Donkey Kong Island also known as DK Island, Kong Island and King Kong's Family Island is an island nation located on the Atlantic Ocean in Southern Africa. It is the only country completely uninhabited by Humans. Power is jointly controlled by the Kong Dynasty and the banana aristocrats. There are no laws regarding equality of species, and all non-ape animals such as Giraffes and Rhinos are treated as lesser beings, and members of the Kong Royal Family regularly murder them for sport. DK Island is home to the DK Crew, the world’s largest Banana producer and crime organization. This country is the only exporter of Banana Pipe, an exotic drug that is a mixture of bananas, marijuana and other substances.

History[edit | edit source]

The path to the nation we know today is paved by bananas and bloodshed. For hundreds of years, Donkey Kong Island was home to a fairly advanced human society. Until one day in 1811, when a man was curious as to what Monkey tasted like. So, he killed a monkey. Big fucking mistake. Within hours, almost every damn Ape on the island had formed an army, led by Ancient Kong, thus starting the Apeshit Civil War. They fucking slaughtered all of the humans. Children were punted into the ocean, women had trees thrown at them, and men were stabbed, thrown off cliffs and had their fucking eyes ripped out. DO NOT FUCK WITH APES. Now that all the humans were gone, Ancient Kong was appointed King and the first ruler of the Kong Dynasty. The Kong Royal Family maintained their rule with no issue until 1910, when Portuguese forces arrived in DK Island with intent of Colonization. Relations were peaceful at first, until a Portuguese soldier shot and killed Bink Kong, who was king at the time. Big fucking mistake. In fact, it was the Portuguese’ greatest mistake aside from existing. All of the men were fucking decapitated, and their heads were placed on stakes. That is, except for the man who shot Bink Kong. He had his dick ripped off and shoved down his throat, resulting in death by choking. Afterwards, his body was mutilated both inside and outside, and he was thrown off Mount Kong. The apes interaction with the Portuguese resulted in DK Island’s love for guns. All future invasions of the country were met with a similar, brutal response. When Kremlins, Penguins and those crazy Tiki motherfuckers tried to take over DK Island, they all got fucking capped and ripped in half.

Kong Dynasty[edit | edit source]

The Kong Dynasty is the Royal Family that rules Donkey Kong Island. The only member of the family that was officially outcasted and stripped of power was Lanky Kong, as he was a child molester. Here is a list of all kings of DK Island:

Ancient Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: 1811-1835

Ancient Kong was the first king of Donkey Kong Island and the gorilla who led the military charge a Gaian star humans for independence. He died from banana food poisoning.

Crippled Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: 1835-1877

The second king, Crippled Kong was an old fuck with broken legs. He died when he fell down some stairs.

Bink Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: 1877-1910

Bink Kong was the third king of DK Island, and his death at the hands of a Portuguese soldier’s gun led to the murder of an entire troop and the apes love of guns.

King Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: 1910-1933

Yep, that’s right, King Kong was the fourth ruler of Donkey Kong Island, although his real name was Jeff. 13 years into his rule, he got bored of Kong Island and went to Skull Island instead, then he could fuck up somebody else’s shit. King Kong was 22 feet tall in adulthood and 8 feet tall as an infant. As you may expect, his birth fucking annihilated his mom’s pussy, causing her to die immediately. Her memorial is still standing today near Mount Kong.

Cranky Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: 1933-

After King Kong left, his son Donkey Kong was left to rule at only three years old, making him the fifth king. Donkey Kong changed his name to Cranky Kong when his son Donkey Kong Jr. died. In 1981, Donkey Kong went to New York City with his son. This was an important landmark for U.S. and DK Island relations, which ended up going nowhere. Upon arrival, Donkey Kong was feeling horny, so he kidnapped some bitch named Pauline and took her to the top of an unfinished building. However, A local Italian plumber/carpenter climbed to the top, rescued Pauline and put Donkey Kong in a cage. Donkey Kong Jr. then climbed up to save his father from the animal abuser. Donkey Kong was freed, and because he was on methamphetamine, he ran away to a nearby greenhouse were he was assaulted by some dumbass with bug spray. Afterwards, Donkey Kong ripped off his head with his bear hands and threw his lifeless body out of the greenhouse window. Donkey Kong and Jr. returned home after doing absolutely nothing to help their country.

Donkey Kong Jr.[edit | edit source]

Time in power: N/A

Donkey Kong Jr. unfortunately died from a banana pipe overdose before he could take the throne. However, he had an illegitimate child with Tiny Kong before he kicked the bucket.

Donkey Kong[edit | edit source]

Time in power: N/A

Donkey Kong the third is next in line to the throne, and he will probably take it soon seeing as Cranky Kong is a fucking fossil. He is the head of the DK Crew, a position formerly held by Chunky Kong. Donkey Kong is banned from the United States due to gun violence, murder, drug trafficking and gang affiliation.