The Super Mario Bros. Movie
The Super Mario Bros. Movie is a 27 hour and 53 minute action, historical and pornographic epic featuring characters from the Super Mario Brothers video game franchise. Released in 2023, it was rated NC-17 for it's graphic sex, violence and language. The American and Angolan releases featured a neutered, toned-down and shortened PG version per the cowards at Universal Studios.
Plot Synopsis[edit | edit source]
At the start of the movie, Mario and Luigi are established heroes. However, they encounter a new enemy: Wario and Waluigi. After some struggle, the villains get absolutely owned. Wario and Waluigi are pissed. So, they spend the next few years building a time machine, which they use to travel back in time to murder Mario and Luigi's ancestors. However, they repeatedly fail. Their escapades include bribing Genghis Khan with intercourse, arranging the capping of certified hood gangster Ivan the Terrible, and having a multi hour conversation with Diogenes which ended in the latter's disembowelment. Eventually, Wario and Waluigi go to 1900s Italy, where they are brutally mauled by Cocaine Bear, who was sent by the mafia. Afterwards, the timeline resumes to modern day, in which Mario and Luigi first enter the Mushroom Kingdom. The last 2 hours of this movie are what constitutes the neutered American and Angolan versions, minus the sex scene between Bowser and Luigi.
Cast[edit | edit source]
- Chris Pratt as Mario (he's so gay!)
- Charlie Day as Luigi
- Jack Black as Bowser
- Danny DeVito as Wario
- Willem DaFoe as Waluigi
- Morgan Freeman as Yoshi
- The Rock as Koopa Kid
- Jordan Poole as Tatanga
- Nancy Pelosi as Tiny Kong
- Ben Affleck as Wrinkly Kong
Reception[edit | edit source]
The Super Mario Bros. Movie only made $2079000000 at the box office, which is only 693% of the movie's budget. An unfortunate flop for all involved. Critics often describe it as "Comparable to pissing Crystal meth". However, fans regard the movie as a religious, life-changing experience, some going on as to say they would sell their organs to see it again.
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