UnNews:Luigi apprehended for shooting United Healthcare CEO

Saturday, December 14, 2024

They got him. They finally got him.

PENNSYLVANIA -- More details have been released about the individual apprehended for killing United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York City back on December 4, an incident so sudden and out-of-left-field that we at UnNews had no idea how to cover it.

Perhaps the most bizarre assassination attempt since an alligator man tried to whack president-elect Donald Trump and one that actually resulted in the demise of its target, our minds were blown. The assassin, who appeared to be the living embodiment of a Guy Fawkes mask, captured the attention of the country, even using his womanizing ways to con a hotel recipient into covering his expenses and giving him a free bus ticket.

That individual, arrested earlier this week at a Shake Shack trying to order a portabella mushroom burger while on the run from the authorities, has been revealed to be Luigi, an Italian-born plumber famous for his work with the Super Mario Bros.

NYPD investigator Kirk Burkhalter pointed out some key pieces of incriminating evidence. "If you closely examine the video surveillance footage of the suspect shooting Thompson point-blank, you'll hear him say 'Ah-remember-remember, the fifth of ah-December'. In addition, the shell casings we found from where the shooting happened are a direct match of the Mario Bros.' signature koopa shells. Case closed, pretty much."

"I was-ah framed!" cried Luigi as he was being led away. "The real ah-killer still out there, I was the fall guy! My brother ah-plumber, but you will ah-hear from him as my lawyer!"

Investigators are still trying to find a motive, but it is believed that since Luigi became addicted to magic mushrooms and suffered adverse health effects from it, United Healthcare, which was Luigi's carrier, revoked his benefits for "self-inflicted stupidity" and the increasing amounts of claims the plumber had been making.

Despite the heinous act, the majority of Americans actually lauded Luigi's brash, sudden act of violence due to the rising cost of healthcare. What times we have come to ...

Sources

• "UnitedHealthcare CEO killing: Luigi Mangione's gun matches shell casings from crime scene, NYPD says" ABC News, December 11, 2024
• "Famous plumber Luigi struggling with brain cancer" The Mushroom Kingdom Journal, October 13, 2022

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