UnNews:Florida Man fails to shoot Trump, even Trump unimpressed

September 16, 2024

WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA -- Another day, another bizarre crime occured in the state of Florida, but this time, some deranged local lunatic got close enough to take another shot at former US President and Republican candidate Donald Trump.

The suspect, having packed an AK-47, homemade bombs, a microwave, a nine-iron, and an alligator suit, camped overnight at a golf course in which Trump was slated to play a few rounds the next day. How the suspect got the intel to hide at the golf course remains a mystery. However, after his usual hasty breakfast of snow the next morning, our Florida Maniac lost all sense and grabbed only the nine-iron and alligator suit, both of which were only for good luck, and charged headlong towards Trump intending to whack him.

Sure enough, the alligator-suit-clad, nine-iron-wielding suspect ran right into the Secret Service, who shot him in the ass and arrested him, keeping him alive for interrogation and torture unlike the last time. Imagine, a man who had proposed keeping China from invading Taiwan by having the Taiwanese throw a "lit-ass party, bro" or stopping the Russian Invasion by "letting Putin vent his invasive urges by invading our assholes" would have some more "genius" ideas like this bold but dumb plan of attack.

Naturally, like any other crime committed by "Florida Man", the general public simply batted an eye due to the bizarre being considered the norm in a state called "America's schlong". Even Trump was unimpressed by the would-be assassination attempt. "If you're gonna try and take me out, at least do it properly! Who the hell tries to assassinate someone with a golf club for crying out loud?? More pathetic than the last guy." Trump then recanted his statement and asked for more protection after he was told to take it more seriously by Florida governor Ron DeSantis and other Republicans.

When asked about what technically was the second assassination attempt of Trump, had people actually cared, Nancy Pelosi, de facto leader of the Democrat Party, had this to say: "Gee, this guy was a total moron- I mean, we sure didn't know this guy was gonna go this far- err.. I mean, we sure didn't tell this guy where Trump was gonna be- fuck.. I mean, we had no connection to this guy! Just like we totally didn't rig the last debate- shit.. err, I said too much! No comment."

Vice President and Democratic candidate Kamala Harris actually had no comment, simply stating she was "memorizing lines" for her next interview and was told "not to talk too much, you wanna hear me drop another word salad, just wait til my interview with Oprah, HAHAHA", while lame-duck President Joe Biden was on a beach somewhere stuffing his face with ice cream.

Sources

• "What we know about Ryan Routh, the man suspected in apparent Trump assassination attempt" Associated Press, September 16, 2024