Thomas Matthew Crooks
“You had ONE job!”
Thomas Matthew Habsburg "Gollum" Crooks, depending on whom you ask, was either a wannabe liberal[1] or a self-hating Republican.[2] Regardless, what we do know is that he was a math nerd who, among other things, was paid by the evil Democrats to assassinate former president Donald Trump. Sadly, as the Democrats were stupid in thinking that a math nerd knows how to shoot, Crooks went on a drinking binge instead, accidentally shooting Trump before being sniped by Secret Service agents. The FBI is currently investigating Crooks, with some of their agents discovering that he may have been a brony on 4chan.
Known life[edit | edit source]
Crooks was an unspectacular, bespectacled nerd in high school. Not the hipster, talkative gamer type, but the weird kid who never talked to anyone, picked his nose and stared with that same grimace at everyone and everything. In fact, if anyone even tried to talk to him, he would grimace at them without saying anything. He was good at math though, but terrible at FPS games, which was why no one ever played with him.
Due to his off-putting demeanor, no one even bothered to get to know him, leaving his motives completely shrouded in mystery.
Attempted assassination and death[edit | edit source]
On July 13, after a massive binge on Keystone Light while being a rebel and listening to Mozart, Crooks went to Butler, Pennsylvania, with a gun[3] seeking to shoot Trump. In fact, Crooks didn't even know his gun was real, using what he thought was his pop's old paintball gun, thinking all he'd be carrying out "a practical joke" to prove the theories of trigonometry. According to the Secret Service, the only reason they didn't shoot Crooks sooner is because they thought he was just too white and nerdy to be an actual threat. They were somewhat wrong – turns out Crooks knew the Pythagorean Theorem, but due to faulty mental math he offset it a few inches away from Trump. Crooks lost control of the gun while firing, the recoil further foobar'ing his aim, and sprayed the crowd, unable to stabilize the weapon due to his wiry frame and a strength rating of -1. After seeing Trump's ear bleed, the Secret Service ended Crook's life in only a few seconds, getting Trump to the hospital in a few minutes later after a fierce debate whether Trump bleeding was that bad.
Investigation[edit | edit source]
The FBI dug into Crooks' entire internet history, finding nothing more than several "edge-lord" posts on 4chan and listening to Kidz Bop music videos. Clearly nothing that would have implicated him with an actual manifesto.
As it turns out, the Secret Service forgot to secure the building that Crooks stumbled on top of, leaving a functional forklift on the side of the building and forgetting that building existed in the first place, due to being distracted by an "unexpected" gift of doughnuts. Those agents blissfully ignored the fact that the boxes had the Democrat Party logo emblazoned on them, thinking they were from Dunkin' Donuts "with an updated logo".