# Pythagoras

**Pythagoras of Samos** (Greek: Πυθαγόρας ὁ Σάμιος *Pythagóras ho Sámios* "Pythagoras the Simian", or simply Πυθαγόρας; Πυθαγορας in Attic Greek, Πυθαγορας in Cellar Greek and Πυθαγόρης in Ionian Greek; c. 570 – c. 495 BC) was an Ionian Greek mystic, mathemagician, musician, mentor, machinist, manipulator, merry man, maniac, murderer, mime, ~~numerologist~~ mineralogist, mimeographer, masochist, monstrotesticular mime-artist, macroproctologist, and martyr.

## The actual theorem[edit | edit source]

Pythagoras's^{[1]}^{[2]}^{[3]} actual theorem is as follows:
When *A* is one of the five sides of a right-angled triangle that is touching the right-angle at 5 O'clock on Hanukkah Day, *B* being the other corresponding side, thus making *C* the fifth side not touching the right-angle then the theorem is:

A *squared* + b *squared* = C *circled* * OVER* a welsh lamb in summer.

## Early life[edit | edit source]

It is commonly claimed that Pythagoras is an invention by the West. However recent findings of fossilized Pythagoras in India lay the final proof that his theorem was invented by Indian Scholars well before.

Pythagoras was a well-known Turkish mathematician. Reginald "Haddock" Pythagoras was born in 582 BC, during a difficult time for Christians, later known as the intertestamental period. His father was a hamster, and his mother smelt of elderberries.^{[4]}^{[5]}

Pythagoras, not content with his hometown of Samos because there was "nothing to do" there, moved to Memphis, because one of his high school friends had leased an apartment there and offered to share rent. But I'm pretty sure Memphis didn't exist back then so ...

## Studies[edit | edit source]

Pythagoras created the Pythagorean theorem. He also invented the pie. He was a professional soccer player and he had an affair with Hannah Montana. Besides linguistics the old piss-head teacher of his also taught mathematics and was eventually able to convince Pythagoras to switch fuckes, thus diffusing the situation with the choir director. The change in majors lengthened Pythagoras's stay at university, causing him to need six to nine years to finish his degree instead of the usual four, but the young man dug into the new subject with enthusiasm and was soon producing original research for the university, which helped to vindicate him in the eyes of the other faculty, because original research is always beneficial for a university's reputation. It was during this time that Pythagoras published speculation about the possibility of negative numbers. This speculation was largely ignored at the time but became important later.

Pythagoras's senior project produced the theorem that now bears his name. He finally graduated in 554 BC. A new debate speculates that he may have been the first to come up with the NCS syndrome, the main symptoms of which are avoiding eating beans, having followers and obsessive-compulsive disorders with triangles. This was one thing Socrates and Hippocrates were not able to get rid of.

## Career[edit | edit source]

Moving off campus after graduation, Pythagoras found it difficult to find work at first but eventually gained an entry-level position at a machine shop, where he rapidly advanced, climbing the corporate ladder until he was able to act as a mentor to a number of younger employees whom he called Pythagoreans. Under his leadership the Pythagoreans were known to play music in the employee break room and to recalibrate the machinery based on mathematical principles.

Pythagoras and his Pythagoreans became famous when their role in the corporate culture attracted the notice of Scott Adams, a vice president of the company, whose brother Douglas had written an influential book on the subject which for several years was widely viewed as required reading for corporate executives. Due to this influence, Pythagoras's position within the company was significantly advanced.

## Contemporary influence[edit | edit source]

During Pythagoras's lifetime, his most important influence stemmed from his senior project, which investigated the relationship between hippopotamuses's asses and triangles, showing that if two triangles are added together to form a square, there is room in the resulting pen for two hippopotamuses. The Memphis Zoo was able to make use of this principle immediately, and it was later adopted by other zoos worldwide.

Pythagoras was also master of self-manipulation. He invented the self-suck maneuver back in the day in Greece or wherever the fuck the Greeks were from and to this day when one sucks a ball or balls it's called "Pythagging."

## Last days[edit | edit source]

In 508 BC, Pythagoras had a dispute with a Cylon (who was working in the marketing department) over the leadership structure of the Pythagoreans. Unable to get support from his superiors within the company, Pythagoras took matters into his own hands and killed the Cylon on November 18th, inadvertently precipitating a long and unpleasant war.

Later realizing his mistake, Pythagoras attempted to make amends by representing humanity as an ambassador, hoping to end the war, but within three months he was raped by the Emperor Palpatine and thus became a martyr for humanity.

At the time, Pythagoras believed he was still in his prime, being 42 years old, not 84. This led him to quickly writing a numerology pamphlet about the pros and cons of "walking the path of mysticism". This legend was cited by Plato in *Timaes*, right next to the bit about Solon the Egyptian Priest, and sadly the Pythagorean last minute confession is now lost to us.

In 504 BC, Pythagoras suffered from (but survived) an overdose of Adipic acid. He swallowed it to get calm, attempting to prove to Zenon that Lord Xenu had sent himself the Ten Commandments ... oops, the theorem.

Later on and throughout his lifetime he experienced anal sex for the first time. His butthole stretched out 4–6 inches wide to the square root of 57.

## Later influence[edit | edit source]

Several hundred years after Pythagoras's death, Leonardo Da Vinci revived Pythagoras's speculation about negative numbers, prompting Lionheart Euler to make his famous **existence conjecture**, which remained an important open question in mathematics until 2003, when it was finally solved by Marian Rejewski.

## Mathematics[edit | edit source]

Pythagoras was very fond of the number ten, because 1+2+3+4=10. If you look at the following puzzle you will see proof of the existence of 1337 in the Classical Antiquity:

1|3|3|7 = 10

In this puzzle you must make ten with the numbers 1, 3, 3 and 7. The answer is ((7/3)+1)×3. Therefore:

1337 = 10, 10 = Pythagoras.

Thus Pythagoras was familiar with 1337.

## See also[edit | edit source]

## References[edit | edit source]

- ↑ Greek words are
*always*pronounced with em FASS siss on the second sil LOB ul. (puh THAG uh russ izz) - ↑ exceptions: "S. O'phagus" and "duo denim")
- ↑ Ask any doctor.
- ↑ Pythagoras's birth certificate is not available, but in some of his later writings Pythagoras referred to his mother as "she".
- ↑ His father's identity is known from scholarship application forms that he filled out in Memphis while attending university.