Wheaties

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“That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?”

~ John Hodgman on having his own picture on the box of Wheaties

Wheaties™ is a bland species of breakfast cereal which has been fortified with every vitamin and mineral known to scientific nutritionists.

Properties

Wheaties™ is the only known cereal that is completely soluble in milk. In fact, a single isolated Wheaties™ flake will promptly disintegrate into its component molecules even if you casually mention the word "milk" in its intermediate vicinity. For this reason, flakes of Wheaties™ prefer to congregate in densely-packed clumps by the billions, so that they can readily transform into a protective sludge when milk attacks.

Eating Wheaties gives you AIDS.

Chest Hair

Since the dawn of time, young impressionable children have been told by their ill-informed parents that eating milk-soggen Wheaties™ will put hair on their chests. However, the current epidemic of hairy nipples seems to have no discernible correlation to known patterns of Wheaties™ consumption [1].

Exciting New Line of Wheaties-Based Products

After centuries of same blandness and bland sameness, Wheaties™ has only recently introduced an exciting new line of Wheaties™-based products, in response to consumer advocates and scientific nutritionists and pent-up popular demand.

• Wheat-Flavored Wheaties™, now with Actual Flavor
• Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™
• Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™ with Extra Sugar
• Honey Roasted Wheaties™ with Dehydrated Marshmallows
• Dehydrated Marshmallows with Honey Roasted Wheaties™
• Lard-Dipped Wheaties™ with Real Lard
• Tutti Frutti Wheaties™ in Blinding Radioactive Colors
• AlphaNumeric Wheaties™ for Non-Athletic Kids
• Wheaties™ fortified with Rogaine Minoxidil

Missing Athletes

Wheaties™ is a proud supporter of the Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes. If you or someone you know has seen or know the whereabouts of the famous athlete depicted [2] on your box of Wheaties™, please send in three proofs-of-purchase boxtops and $50,000 in unmarked Sacagawea dollar coins to the following address (so nobody gets hurt):

Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes

c/o Wheaties

935 Pennsyltucky Roadway, at an undisclosed suite

Citgo, Pennsyltucky 12345

See also

• Breakfast

Milk and cereal, Milk and cereal, Milk and cereal, Cereal and Milk...

Types	Cereal ~ Cornflakes ~ Oatmeal ~ Rice
Brands	Cheerios ~ Coco Pops ~ Commie O's ~ Corn Flakes ~ Count Chocula ~ Credit Crunch ~ Fiber One ~ Froot Loops ~ Kellogg's Frosties ~ Lucky Charms ~ Reese's Puffs ~ Regular K ~ Uncyclopedios ~ Uwe Bowls ~ Westbor-O's ~ Wheaties
People	Cereal killer ~ Dr. Kellogg ~ The Quaker Oats Guy
Related	International Phonetic Alpha-Bits ~ The Cereal Crack Scandal ~ UnNews:General Mills takes on bad boy spokesperson ~ UnNews:Kelloggs empire has fallen! ~ UnNews:Terror threat against Fruit 'n Fibre

Wil Wheaton Wheat Squid Wil Wheaties

Footer Notes

[1] Recent Trends in Hairy Nipple Disease in Children, 2003, Dr Benjamin Spock, p 175
[2] Photo morphed to current approximate age by powerful supercomputers.