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“That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?”

~ John Hodgman on having his own picture on the box of Wheaties

Wheaties™ is a bland species of breakfast cereal which has been fortified with every vitamin and mineral known to scientific nutritionists.


Wheaties™ is the only known cereal that is completely soluble in milk. In fact, a single isolated Wheaties™ flake will promptly disintegrate into its component molecules even if you casually mention the word "milk" in its intermediate vicinity. For this reason, flakes of Wheaties™ prefer to congregate in densely-packed clumps by the billions, so that they can readily transform into a protective sludge when milk attacks.

Eating Wheaties gives you AIDS.

Chest Hair[edit]

Since the dawn of time, young impressionable children have been told by their ill-informed parents that eating milk-soggen Wheaties™ will put hair on their chests. However, the current epidemic of hairy nipples seems to have no discernible correlation to known patterns of Wheaties™ consumption [1].

Exciting New Line of Wheaties-Based Products[edit]

After centuries of same blandness and bland sameness, Wheaties™ has only recently introduced an exciting new line of Wheaties™-based products, in response to consumer advocates and scientific nutritionists and pent-up popular demand.

  • Wheat-Flavored Wheaties™, now with Actual Flavor
  • Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™
  • Chocolate Frosted Wheaties™ with Extra Sugar
  • Honey Roasted Wheaties™ with Dehydrated Marshmallows
  • Dehydrated Marshmallows with Honey Roasted Wheaties™
  • Lard-Dipped Wheaties™ with Real Lard
  • Tutti Frutti Wheaties™ in Blinding Radioactive Colors
  • AlphaNumeric Wheaties™ for Non-Athletic Kids
  • Wheaties™ fortified with Rogaine Minoxidil

Missing Athletes[edit]

Wheaties™ is a proud supporter of the Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes. If you or someone you know has seen or know the whereabouts of the famous athlete depicted [2] on your box of Wheaties™, please send in three proofs-of-purchase boxtops and $50,000 in unmarked Sacagawea dollar coins to the following address (so nobody gets hurt):

Foundation for Missing Famous Athletes
c/o Wheaties
935 Pennsyltucky Roadway, at an undisclosed suite
Citgo, Pennsyltucky 12345

See also[edit]

Wil Wheaton Wheat Squid Wil Wheaties

Footer Notes[edit]

[1] Recent Trends in Hairy Nipple Disease in Children, 2003, Dr Benjamin Spock, p 175
[2] Photo morphed to current approximate age by powerful supercomputers.