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General Mills

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General J. D. Mills (center). Left right behind his neck, almost invisible here but quite distinct[1][2][3][4] in a Xerox™ of the negative, is one of his legendary farts.
©1923 chaplains' archives

General Mills was a United States General of the Armies in World Wars I and VII.

Early life[edit | edit source]

John Douglass Mills was born on September 13, 1850, on a farm near Central, Missouri. His father owned a general store, which served as his schoolmates' inspiration for his nickname, "General". He had a privileged childhood and was an exceptional student.

Civil War[edit | edit source]

In 1864 Mills saw Confederate soldiers slaughter his family and pillage their cereal crop. Later, while writing his autobiography, he recalled that it was at that moment he coined his famous catchphrase "I'll cry when I'm done killing". On his 18th birthday he signed up to attend West Point in order to get revenge, unaware that the Civil War had been over for 13 years and that the Confederate army had already won. Upon completing his officer training he singlehandedly led an attack on the Confederacy and reversed the war's outcome in just over three hours. A young doughboy was a member of the last battalion defeated. This young man vowed he would seek his revenge on the yankee general. Cassious Marcellus Pillsbury moved north after the war and did his best to ruin Mill's family business. His plan worked for many years but later the British took interest and the whole plan imploded.

Presidency[edit | edit source]

Mills was elected President in 1900, although many allege that his opponent, Al Gore, had actually won the election. He remained President for two weeks, at which point he became bored and announced that he would step down – and that he had run only "to see if I could win".

Midlife crisis[edit | edit source]

After stepping down from the office of President, General Mills had a bout with alcoholism and was twice arrested for Carriaging While Intoxicated. Following a rehabilitation program, he had a brief stint on Broadway before he was re-admitted to the Army. By the time World War I began Mills was fully sober and had become one of the finest officers in the military.

World War I[edit | edit source]

It is a little known fact that General Mills became a military general only after a mixup with his paperwork. He had accidentally written his nickname, "General", in the rank box when he rejoined the Army and nobody bothered to look it up. Thus he was promoted to General of the Armies during World War I by President Woodrow Wilson, who was hastily looking for someone to replace General Firefox, who had been killed in the desert after an unfortunate cyanide accident.

While commanding troops on the front lines, Mills is credited with devising the incredibly successful "flank the enemy" maneuver, which was vastly superior to the previous "over the top and get mowed down" strategy.

After helping ensure victory in World War I, General Mills settled down to live a quiet life home in Central.

Cryogenic freezing[edit | edit source]

On September 2, 1938, Mills was offered a chance to be cryogenically frozen so he could be re-animated in the event that there was ever another World War. He accepted reluctantly and was frozen the same day. He was then locked in a vault in Area 51 and his death faked so as to not arouse suspicion.

It is unknown why he was not re-animated during World War II, but some people who know better than you decided it wasn't the best course of action.

World War VII[edit | edit source]

Unfrozen in 1988, the General was asked to help command troops in World War VII and he agreed. After a spectacle of explosions and a car chase, he won the war and Hitler had been defeated forever.

Present[edit | edit source]

When it was revealed to Mills that World War VII had been only a film, Mills announced that he would leave the military forever and retire. He currently resides on his family's farm in Missouri and operates a small cereal company.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. The epaullette on the right (his left) apparently did.
  2. Stinct.
  3. How quite?
  4. It's a silent picture.
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