The Cereal Crack Scandal
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The Cereal Crack Scandal was a major underworld criminal operation that occurred between 1985-2005. It involved some of the world's most beloved representatives of breakfast cereals who joined forces to make kids eat their food more by adding "extra sugar" into the meals, namely crack in the form of sugar. The operation was led by Sam Toucan, who was king of a cult hidden in the jungles of Colorado. Notable members of the organization include the Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger and Cap'n Crunch. The operation was ultimately stopped in 2005 when food adverts aimed at kids became less common, and a major sting operation on the organization.
Causes and Early Years[edit | edit source]
The first plans of the scandal were created after the fall of the Super Mario Bros. scandal involving selling magic mushrooms to kids and video gamers during the 1980s, Mario and Luigi being banished to the Mushroom Kingdom forever as punishment. With no criminal aspect to fill the minds of children, Toucan Sam began a cult in the jungles of Ohio, creating sugary cereals with crack in them, causing his followers to become insane and kill themselves for Toucan Sam. Believing this could reestablish order in the food empire, Sam gathered some of the world's most recognised representatives of breakfast cereals. His earliest recruitments were Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger, who became his lieutenants. Others members included Coco the Monkey, Honey Bee, Snap, Crackle & Pop, and the Trix Rabbit. The first attempt to sneak this new form of cereal into the market took place in the 1990 ComicCon. Over 2000 kids ate the new cereal thanks to the presence of the representatives.
Rise and Fall[edit | edit source]
With high demand for the new cereals, all known cereal representatives in America became involved with the operation. Many children became quite hyper due to the "extra sugar" that fooled parents into buying the cereals for their children. Some bigtime companies like Nintendo and Disney got involved in secret by putting the crack in their own products but when the scandal was stopped, these companies managed to not be sued. Toucan Sam retired from the crime business to become part of the Enchanted Tiki Room at Disneyland, leaving the business up to Cap'n Crunch, Tony and the Trix Rabbit. Snap, Crackle & Pop became the main dealers and accountants for the crimes, and Honey Bee was the main transport chief. However, there were those who threatened to bring down the organization.
The Quik Rabbit, Count Chocula, and Frankenberry were killed in case they ratted out to the authorities, whilst the Cookie Monster got so hyped up on the cookie cereals that he was sent off to an institution for his own safety. Things took a turn for the worst when health reports started popping up on the news, mostly about obese children and more needs for healthy foods. No one really paid much attention to these complaints until that documentary called Supersize Me popped up regarding the abomination that is McDonald's; it should be noted that Ronald McDonald tried to join the scandal but was refused entry due to his sexual instincts. And then the two worst things occurred. Food adverts aimed at kids were banned from all televisions due to complaints from crazy adults, soccermoms and William Shatner's toupee. This severely limited the selling of the cereals, prompting the criminals to hire more members and sell the cereal on corner streets, mainly to orphans and homeless old men. But everything came crashing down when that damn Cookie Crisp wolf joined.
The End of the Scandal[edit | edit source]
Finding the taste of the altered Cookie Crisp to be irresistible, the Cookie Crisp wolf went gaga for it, eventually going mad and having a mental breakdown in the middle of Time Square in New York. He was killed and examined, scientists discovering heavy amounts of crack in the cookies he ate. Other cereals were tested and the same results came out. Believing something suspicious was going on, authorities managed to capture Snap, Crackle & Pop. They were interrogated and until they quite literally "snapped", "crackled" and "popped, revealing everything that had happened. All authorities were commanded to have a major crackdown on all breakfast cereals, stopping production of them. A deranged Cookie Monster managed to tell police officers the location of the criminals' hideout and a raid was planned.
On August 14th, 2005, now known as C-Day, a good three hundred police officer and SWAT troops invaded the base of the cereal criminals, located under the Rockafella Centre in New York. Several Cereal Killers got involved, killing several of the criminals. Ultimately, many of the criminals were killed or arrested although several went on the run. In the end, the cereals were given over to Tesco for creation.
Fates of the Criminals[edit | edit source]
While some fates of the criminals involved are a mystery, several of the major criminals involved were recorded.
Toucan Sam managed to not be traced as the primary source of the scandal, and he spent the rest of his life in Hawaii as a club bouncer, until he was attacked by Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family for apparently selling drugs to Lilo and Stitch. His beak was snapped off and he bled to death in the back of a laundrette owned by Mr. Bean. Cap'n Crunch was let off scot free, pretending he was Captain Birdseye, who sold fish products, but he was eventually arrested, trialled and hung for the murder of Captain Hook in 2007. Tony the Tiger survived, moving to a house in Florida, but under strict 24 hour watch. However, he was murdered in 2008 by Chester Cheetah of the Cheetos crisp brand. The Stix Rabbit still hasn't got his hands of the Trix food yet, mainly because he is in prison, and he is not smart enough to buy the food. Honey Bee is also in prison, currently being beaten twice a day by a bunch of women for stinging one of them in the butt. Snap, Crackle & Pop were all separated. Snap did pretty good, working in a DMV for several months before eventually marrying a lady named Marcia and having two children (the only catch was that Marcia was a raccoon); Crackle became a cinema employee but was kicked out for allegedly saying Citizen Kane sucked, he's currently living in Denver, Colorado with a stick named Twiggy; and Pop became a drug addict, a smoker, and had a sex change, currently known as Madonna. And Cookie Monster is out of the institution and is back in Sesame Street, but less said about him.
