The Duke of Edinburgh
“Was this page put in by an Indian?”
“Any bloody fool can write one of these thingammys!”
HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Lord Warden of the Royal Privies, Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Earl of Doncaster, Lord Privy Racist, Prince of Greece and Denmark (House of Schleswig-Hitler-Sonderburg-Glücksburg), GNVQ, Ba (Hons), ASBO, MAD, is an old and somewhat senile Greek gentleman who happens to be the Prince Regent of Great Britain, and mightily pissed off that he's not in control of the Empire, his bladder or the nuclear button. He is the husband of England's Queen, Elizabeth II, who is also quite pissed off, though she does not demonstrate this as vocally as The Duke. He is officially the highest ranking racist in the country, however he is somewhat ironically an immigrant himself.
Born in Corfu, Greece, HRH Prince Philippos zu Glücksburg of Greece and Denmark managed a small kebab-souvlaki store along with his best mate, Stavros, on a beach on the isle of Lesbos, traditionally the home of lesbianism. Philippos soon realized a career change was in order. After asking advice from his father, Prince Andreas, Philippos decided the only path available to him was to join the British Royal Family and marry one of his cousins. Many Greeks complained that this relative was too distant to marry, but his sisters were otherwise engaged. He arrived in England in 1832 after a brief detour to Australia, where he upset a few locals with his inquiries about spears.
Being now a British royal called Philip, he thought he had better get a British title. He already had 'prince' and 'duke' was the next best. The top duke to be would be Duke of London, but then his missus would be one of his subjects and One couldn't have That. Liverpool was out of the question, because they're always telling jokes and he is scared of ferries. The Scottish capital, Edinburgh, was suggested but, on finding it was near Glasgow, Phil began to tremble. However, on being told that Edinburgh has a great big castle full of men in tattoos, he declared 'That's for me!'
His really racist period. Here Phil went full-time into baiting other nationalities, pursuing his life long dream of eradicating all those who were different: the black, the oriental, the Scots (unless tattooed), the Welsh, the poor (mixed colours), the poor (any colour), people who don't know him, and anybody who protests against fox-hunting.
He stood as an Independent candidate in the 1983 UK general election in the constituency of Windsor Castle, winning with a majority of 7,453,562. However, he only showed up at the House Of Commons once during his term as MP, in July 1985. He staggered into the chamber while seriously out of order and buggered the Leader of the Opposition with a Lebanese cucumber from Woolworths. This was regarded as rather bad form since he was supposed to be behind the government. Following that, the Duke passed out in the Speaker's lap, a position of which the Speaker promptly took advantage to wild applause from both sides of the House, only to discover that the Duke really is made of motorised plywood. The Duke did not contest the seat again in the 1987 election, so it was handed on a plate to a young economics graduate who loved to have his seat licked by royal corgis.
The Year 2000 and Beyond...
The new millennium saw a new side to the Duke. With The Queen's millions of pounds to spend, he had many weird and Wonderful ideas. He was once invited to appear on BBC Television Programme Dragon's Den, but turned it down, as he was sure he'd win. His other Ideas included:
- The War in Iraq
- Another Audience with Ken Dodd
- The reformation of Take That
- Condoms for Monkeys
- The End of Global Warming (although many attribute this accolade to Michelle McManus)
- The End of the Human Race (When he dies he hopes to be reincarnated as a killer virus.)
Interests & Charitable Work
The Duke, or Phil to his friends, is a keen hunter and racist. Nothing gives the Duke more pleasure than hunting Somalian refugees and Southern rednecks through the jungles of Croydon (sort of like that film with Ice-T and Rutger Hauer). The Duke uses a custom double-barrelled Uzi to kill his targets which he fires one handed from the window of his Range Rover.
What you are about to read is completely true: The Yaohnanen people in Vanuatu, South Pacific, believe that Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, the consort to Queen Elizabeth II, is a divine being, the pale-skinned son of a mountain spirit and brother of John Frum. According to ancient tales the son travelled over the seas to a distant land, married a powerful lady and would in time return. The villagers had observed the respect accorded to Queen Elizabeth II by colonial officials and came to the conclusion that her husband, Prince Philip, must be the son from their legends. The cult is likely to have been formed sometime in the 1950s or 1960s. Their beliefs were strengthened by the royal couple's official visit to Vanuatu in 1974 when a few villagers had the opportunity to observe the prince from afar. At the time the Prince was not aware of the cult, but the matter was eventually brought to his attention by John Champion, the British Resident Commissioner in Vanuatu between 1975 and 1978. The Resident Commissioner suggested that the Prince send them a portrait of himself. A signed official photograph was duly dispatched. The villagers responded by sending a traditional nal-nal club. As requested the Prince in return sent them a photograph of himself posing with the weapon. Another photograph was sent in 2000. All three photographs are currently kept by Chief Jack Naiva.