Ares
“I shall smite the earth with hellfire and brimstone, iron and bronze shall be weapons of mass destruction in the Bronze Age of bronze gods like myself! I shall strike down my enemies with hammers and axes too! Because that’s just how I roll. And Athena is a bitch. Thanks for dropping by.”
Ares is a deity in the Greek mythology who represents the God of War. It wasn't always like that. He was targeted for playing combat games in his youth. When he reached 100 years of age, he was already involved in numerous wars, including the Trojan War. It was Aphrodite who persuaded him into siding with the Trojans. Who ultimately lost. On the other side of that drachma it was Athena who had helped the Greeks, who ultimately won the war but lost their minds. And further down the road lost their lunch, their cookies, their lives, and Helen who was supposed to be the grand prize or some stupid shit like that.
Ares was infatuated with Aphrodite and had an affair with the goddess. Although of course she was spoken for by Hephaestus. At some point Ares and Aphrodite were getting busy when they were caught by her jealous husband. He trapped them in a net and lowered them into the mosh pit where the other gods were waiting for some kind of entertainment. When the lovers in the net were trying out Hephaestus's new sex device, and getting the swing of it, the other gods laughed and before anyone knew it, an orgy ensued. Afterward, everyone had rope burns and they killed Hephaestus.
In Ares' time, the goddesses all had psychological issues, and the gods had other issues on top of those issues. They all had more issues than People, Time, and National Geographic combined. As a result, Ares struggled and the Greeks treated him as a less worthy warmonger and gave that honor to Athena. It would be the Romans who gave Ares the more sinister name of Mars as their protector god, and treated him in a more dignified way. Instead of having him losing wars with other nations, they had him winning wars against the Jews. And instead of trying to punish him for his unconventional love affairs, they celebrated his seduction of Cleopatra. Shortly after that was when the Romans took over Egypt for a while. By the time Cleo's other lovers showed up, Ares had already gained enough experience with swings and toys and whatever other devices they tried to entice him with. The pharaohs did not know what to make of it, and they were forced to walk like Egyptians back to where they came from.
The Art of War by Ares the God of War[edit | edit source]
The Olympic Showdown and Others Games was an event that the gods involved everyone in, so every god could say they had a horse in the race. A dog. And a mortal. Usually the dogs and horses would just eat the mortals if they lost. In the closing days of the Bronze age, Apollo had the best chance of winning the Ultimate God trophy when he trained several of his sons, a centaur, and a flock of seagulls. And Ares only had his wits, strength, and badass good looks.
Ares had several quotes he lived by, a motto or two about defeating any rivals, and he had good balance when fighting. He had learned that from having to balance himself in Hephaestus' bondage equipment. Apollo's sons threw objects the farthest, ran the fastest (i.e. the centaur ran the fastest), and his birds flew in perfect formations. Apollo was set to grab the glory and win the big trophy, but Ares proved to be more cunning. Taking a scroll from Plato's library, Ares flipped the script of the games to include a more robust line-up of competitors, since horses, dogs, and centaurs were allowed to play. In fact anything that could walk, run, gallop, jump, leap, fly, swim, barrel, stomp, stampede, or just float heavily into the arena was able to join in the games.
Bringing in the Hydra, the Kraken, and the Trojan horse filled with Greek acrobats, Ares stood in the amphitheater and recited his quotes while his team devoured the other gods' teams. "Be quick as thunder, and then have the Hydra eat seven mortals at the same time!" Ares spoke as the Hydra quite literally ate seven mortals at the same time. "Swoop in like a butterfly so that the enemy won't see the Kraken before it's too late!" Ares mused on while the Kraken took out most of the other team by stomping upon them, and diving back into the sea. "Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but remember that horses hate being gifted!" Ares said as a wooden contraption that looked somewhat like a horse, but more like a donkey, came crashing into the arena and exploded. It was a mess, it was unseemly. It was shocking. But this was the one time that Ares won the Olympic Showdown and Other Games, and he was going to milk it for everything it was worth.
A Spartan Hero?[edit | edit source]
In the summer of 79 B.C. a Spartan was seeking Ares for an interview for his famous TV show As The Gimbal Turns having heard that Ares was said to be a Spartan deity. At first Ares refused to be on the show citing his unfortunate experiences with some three hundred men on the horizon hellbent to take down some warmonger named Xerox. But after a year or so, the Spartan was granted his wish.
What was unknown to Ares is that the show was aimed at a specific kind of audience. They wanted big handsome heroes to follow all the latest trends and to be approachable. It didn't matter who was the guest, he had to be perfectly tame and well behaved. Even if it was the god of war. The show did suffer a setback when they tried to have The Beast of Revelation on the show and the world went through a series of earthquakes, floods and famine because of it.
The Spartan had all his questions prepared for his guest and when Ares showed up for his interview, wardrobe had his clothes picked out and his lines chiseled out on cue blocks for him read. But the audience was wanting more since getting an actual deity to be on the show was rare. The Spartan host wanted the glorious reenactment of the defeat of the water dragon and how Cadmus established a dancing floor that lay over the plains of Thebes. Ares stated up front that he was not going to bust any moves and dance until dawn. This didn't sit well with the show's directors and they urged Ares to comply with the script.
However someone forgot to tell Ares about Cadmus. When he asked who the hell it was, the Spartan informed him that it was his son-in-law. Stunned and still trying to fully process the defeat of the water dragon, this was all news to him. But Ares, as always was so cunning and had a dark side. After the shock had worn off he had a better idea than to just flame-broiling the show and its silly host, silly audience, and laughable ratings.
He began the interview as scripted, but after about three or four dumb questions, he went off script and explained that the dancers had it all wrong. He showed them how it was done and then told the audience that he wasn't really the god of war, but the Lord of the Dance. He then conjured up the Druids and the cast from Saturday Night Live and had them reenact what happened with the Spartans who went up against Xerox. This really bothered the host as it hit close to home. That's when the Druids started to claim that the Lord of the Dance was their deity and didn't belong to Sparta.
Naturally a fight broke out, and everyone was throwing chairs at one another, while one chair smashed the Spartan host. Ares stood back and enjoyed his interview. It was a good show, he would muse later on. The other gods admitted that he was good at making war, although Aphrodite kept seeing that as something that made her horny. All is fair in making war but Ares had the love side of it down to a tee. The other gods scoffed. Ares was such a bad ass.
A Clash of Giants[edit | edit source]
While fishing in the Black Sea, Ares had somehow caught the wrath of some giants. They were 100 ft. tall, bald, tattoos, big furry boots and horns coming out of the side of their heads. Ares laughed when he saw them. This enraged the giants and one of them tip toed over to the shore where Ares was still laughing uncontrollably.
Ares looked up to see a big guy named Jolly the Giant, who was not amused. Ares started asking how the weather was up around the giant's head and told him where he could sign up for the circus. That they were still hiring freaks. Jolly did not like being mocked so he summoned his friend who was also a giant and asked him what could be done about Ares making fun of them. Jolly's friend Wilt Chamberlain offered to put Ares into a fishbowl. But Jolly didn't want to drown Ares, so they came up with the idea of a terrarium. Ares protested that idea, so they came up with the idea of an urn. Ares told them that he was the god of war, that they would bring death down upon their heads if they tried to put him in anything. But they produced an unpaid parking ticket and arrested Ares and put him in the urn.
Of course Ares made as much noise as possible, and for thirteen months he wailed and howled. He tried to get a lawyer but to no avail. Finally Hermes was told of Ares' predicament and went to break him out of Urn Jail. And since Artemis hated the giants too, for putting her in a cocktail mixing tumbler for jaywalking, she showed up and tricked the giants into chasing Jack up a beanstalk. When they got up far enough, Artemis cut the beanstalk down causing them to fall to their deaths. Jolly fell right on top of Wilt, crushing his bones and his ego. Ares told Artemis that he was planning on doing that. Her response was Ho Ho Ho Dead Giants!
With the giants defeated, and Ares being liberated from the urn, a festival was commissioned to be an annual event where celebrations occurred. Any prisoner of urns, bottles, lamps, or any container could use this holiday to escape from their bondage. Every year consisting of thirteen months would mark the time that giants got all triggered and started putting anyone that offended them into the strangest things. One guy was even put into a Pez dispenser. At the end of the year, the liberation of the awful asshole giants was observed in all of Greece. And Endor.
Of Roosters & Alarm Clocks[edit | edit source]
Feeling a bit put off and sulking, and put off his food, Ares was looking for trouble. Feeling fucked up he decided to pay Alectryon a visit. It is said that Alectryon (Alec for short) had been a companion of Ares whenever they were barhopping. But after the weird incident involving Aphrodite and himself being caught up in a net, Ares suspected that Alec had something to do with that. He asked his friend why he never warned him when the sun came up, why Helios was spying on them just to go rat them out to Hephaestus. But Alec just mumbled something incoherent and began talking about never getting enough sleep because of his work schedule tending to the chickens.
Ares thought on this but wasn't buying it. He told Alec that he knew that he fell asleep when he was supposed to be on guard. Alec shrugged and said that he had to go and feed his chickens. That's when Ares had the brilliant idea to turn Alec into a rooster. With an added feature that made him announce the sunrise. Alec's chickens were satisfied with the arrangement but Alec told him, rather made weird noises to Ares about what he'd miss if he stayed in that condition.
What's more, Alec told Ares in a very elaborate squawking speech, that the incident with Hephaestus was overwith and that he should move on. And how about going out for a couple of drinks. Ares, somewhat moved by his friend's ruffled feathers, picked him up and headed for a tavern. The usual patrons were just enjoying their evening when they had to stop and wonder why Ares was talking and drinking with a chicken. Ares told the crowd of onlookers that it was his lazy, sleepy guard Alec and that he was being punished for his disloyalty. But Alec the rooster started flapping his wings and protested. Saying, or in this case crowing about just needing a few winks. The bartender was sympathetic and gave Alec a strong drink which got him so drunk that he fell over asleep.
Ares just went on nursing a whiskey and didn't say much until the dawn started to break. That was when Alec suddenly jumped up and started crowing, screaming that he needed to go feed the chickens. Then he flew out the window and back down the road acting like a chicken with its head cut off until he reached home. Ares laughed and went after Alec to see whether or not he could feed his chickens. But Alec's wife had already taken care of it. Alec's wife wasn't much bothered with her husband being a rooster. She shrugged and went back to playing video games. Alec was one pissed off bird, and he flipped himself at Ares. But Ares asked him if he was going out that night to the tavern. Alec gave out a small bawk bawk and said sure. Ares came by later and picked Alec up and they made like chickens and flew the coup.
That Escalated Quickly[edit | edit source]
As is well known of ancient cultures, Greek culture notwithstanding, sanctuaries and sacrifices were the order of the day. If one was sacrificed, there was a sanctuary for those who sought peace. Sanctuaries and shrines often included room service, a hot tub, and a spa. But the philosophy of sacrificing humans was something the Spartans took very seriously and so, because of the excellent array of sanctuaries and hospitable shrines, the Spartans always had every one of them fully booked. This started to become a problem when the gods had taken notice that an unusual number of Spartans were beginning to crowd the sacred grounds, causing many from other areas of Greece to seek peace on the steps of Mount Olympus.
Ares took notes, asked questions, and came back to Zeus with a full report on how things had gotten out of hand. Zeus, being in a foul mood blamed Ares for an extremely high number of sacrificees. Ares scoffed and mentioned that it was Zeus himself who required sacrifices in the name of all the gods since everyone living at the MO HQ were gods and goddesses and those were the rules. Zeus was wroth and fire issued from his horns as he ordered Ares to get away from him before it was too late. Ares shrugged and left. But wondered why Zeus suddenly had horns.
As per usual, Ares told the Spartans that they needed to stop killing one another and to start booking vacations at Disneyland. But that wasn't received too well. What's more is that Athena got involved and declared all shrines belonging to Ares must be leveled, brought down, or demolished in some way. Ares did not try to stop any destruction of his shrines, because he delighted in the spectacle of fire, mayhem, and big explosions. When Athena had one of his shrines in Sparta leveled, Ares sat at a safe distance and munched on popcorn.
The attitude of Ares brought on sparring between the Spartans, and it annoyed Athena. The Spartans declared a new tradition in place of the pile of ashes that was once their favorite shrine. Instead of giving Ares an ox for any of their victories involving cyber warfare, or a rooster for plain old fashioned brute force using bronze weapons to slaughter their foes, they opted to use nukes to blow up Asian Nazis.
Zeus meanwhile was still turning into some sort of goat and couldn't intervene. So in stepped Apollo offering to save the shrines. He even carved out slabs of stone for posters and made little ribbons to further the cause, campaigning against shrines being used and abused in such a horrible manner. That's when Alexander the Great decided that he would show up and offer his advice. Suddenly Hades popped in and stopped the Asian people from being recruited to Nazism but that was boring so he decided to blow up another shrine nearby.
Around about that time is when Hitler and the Gestapo showed up and started fighting with the Greeks and Alexander. Athena got so pissed off that she threatened to kill the goddess of love unless everyone turned down the noise and left through the servant's doors. Of course the other goddesses were not at all keen to Athena's threat, so they showed up and blew up one of Athena's shrines. Retaliating, Athena blew up one of each of their shrines. Then Zeus hopped down from Olympus and made goat sounds at them. Apollo was saddened that his help wasn't enough so he suggested sacrificing the goat. The goat rammed toward everyone but managed to strike the side of a shrine and it fell like a house of cards from the blunt force.
And as historical script reveals, the franchise of shrines was forever changed. Ruins are all that stand today, scattered throughout the landscapes of ancient Greece. It is said that Ares will visit the fallen structures, as a tourist. Casually munching on popcorn and laughing his ass off.
Hercules & Ares[edit | edit source]
The relationship between Ares and Hercules is a very intense one in which they are polar opposites, but closer than any other god and half god combination. Even rivaling the relationship between Perseus and Zeus. Although that isn't really saying a lot. With Ares, Hercules could be himself around his step brother, and likewise Ares could be himself around Hercules. There was a deep understanding of each other. Their inner conflicts, their fears, their desires. Their having to accept that Zeus was their father, although they had both tried in the past to change their identities and move to France. They never did though, because they felt everyone in that country was so rude. And though great things were said about Germany, they didn't move there either. The Grim Reaper had already claimed it by way of NATO
When they were both sent to Hades to reform the demigods who had been relocated there, they weren't sure of their mission and were never given instructions on how to reform anyone. This brought on creative license and both Hercules and Ares had their own ideas on how to reform demigods and their alleged trespasses against whatever it was that landed them in Hades to begin with.
The first character that Ares encountered was the Chicken Duck Woman Thing and he turned himself into a rooster to try to talk to her/it. He gave up when it tried to eat him and he sent in his ex-bodyguard Alec to deal with it. Hercules portrayed himself as a member of the Church of Lunar Consciousness and passed around flowers and went vegan. He was pretty much left alone and had a nice chamber overlooking a rock garden that sat near a lava stream. It was quite peaceful. He had time to tend to his garden, read, play video games, knit and crochet.
Meanwhile on the other hand, Ares was locked in an intense battle with a three-headed dog. He was considering turning himself into a sea monster to devour the dog when Hercules stopped him and reminded him that sea monsters live in the ocean and that he would die if he tried that trick. Ares agreed and Hercules threw three bones at the dog. Ares asked Hercules how he did that. Hercules shrugged and told the god of war that sometimes you have to think like the dog to stop it from eating you. The same way you have to think like the scorpion to stop it from stabbing you in the face.
Ares was getting annoyed and Hercules called him stupid. This lead to a fight. The demigods gathered and watched the two battle it out. They slapped, punched, kicked, held each other in headlocks, and slammed each other down. They flung each other across the underground fighting ring which was placed there while they fought, by the onlookers. Placed there was also a row of stone steps where everyone could sit and watch the fight. Next there would be a popcorn stand and soda refreshments. Out of nowhere a scoreboard was placed on the cavern walls high above the combatants.
Scalpers were selling tickets at the entrance to Hades. Bets were being made all over the place. A camera crew was live streaming the spectacle. Fans of both Ares and Hercules began online forums and trading merchandise and selling T-Shirts. The fight dragged on for a while. There was no winner. Hercules won, but he was still in Hades. Ares won because he sold the most merchandise in Hades as sells skyrocketed when he held Hercules in a headlock for more than an hour. But Hercules broke free when he remembered he still had a knitting needle in his gauntlet and whacked Ares with it, leaving Ares to wonder where the fuck he got that.
After the fight died down, and the crowd thinned out, Ares and Hercules caught their breath and sat down and drank a gallon of ice water. The remaining spectators wondered where the fuck they got cold ice water from in Hades. Hercules told them that they had to think like a penguin in order to stop fire from ruining your refreshments. Then he called them stupid. Ares laughed and wondered if they were going to try to beat Hercules up. But they, instead, accepted that they were in fact, stupid.
Ares and Hercules didn't reform anyone and began to accept their fate that they would be stuck in Hades for a long time. They went to some cheap dive and got drunk. They began talking about old times. Even when there wasn't really any old times they shared except the occasional run-ins that involved them kicking each other's ass. But there they were stuck in Hades and having to eke out a life in the underground realm of a guy who loved a very warm climate. Hercules confessed that Ares was his match when it came to combat. Ares told him I love you, man! Such was the relationship between Ares and Hercules.
Hercules and Ares did escape Hades after a year or so. They just simply walked out. They got smart and thought like ferrets.
Ares & Some Guy[edit | edit source]
Sometime in the year of Snake Eyes, Ares found himself in an unlikely arm wrestling contest. There was this guy who was convinced he was the strongest man in the world and challenged Ares. After the weird encounter with Hercules, he wasn't interested. One of the many weird encounters with Hercules, as Ares always seemed to find himself in. This was some weird oddball that Ares intended to brush off and ignore. But the crazy man claiming to be the strongest ever insisted on arm wrestling Ares.
This man was only written as Some Guy in ancient scrolls, and scholars have never connected him to anyone in the Greek historical archives. He was simply known as Some Guy. The oldest known form of this event is better transcribed in the Hindustani text describing an offspring of Kali who had six arms. This gives the account of Ares wishing to ignore this Some Guy weirdo better context as to why Ares refused to deal with him.
But Some Guy persisted and Ares finally gave in and accepted his challenge. Ares put up his right arm and Some Guy put up his upper left arm and Ares easily won. When Ares tried to go, Some Guy said Not So Fast, and offered up his middle left arm. To which Ares quickly overcame and won. Then he waited for Some Guy to offer up his lower left arm and again Ares slammed his opponent's arm down and won.
Then it was time to switch to the other side. This process was repeated until Ares won all arms in the arm wrestling contest. Suddenly Some Guy started to act wildly and bounced off the walls. Ares was surprised and backed away. At which point the guy's arms, except for a left and right arm, all fell off. He was relieved and thanked Ares for breaking the spell and returning him back to normal. Some Guy explained that Kali's DNA was all fucked up and in order to be normal, he had to have the god of war break his arms.
Ares wasn't normally in a generous mood most of the time, but he nodded and said No Problem. Later on, Some Lady came up to Ares and asked him if he would trim and style her hair. Ares wondered why she wasn't making eye contact with him and when he asked why she was so shy, she explained that Some Bitch turned her hair into scaly little snakes and that the god of war could break the spell if he would but cut her hair. Ares went into hiding and was said to have lived out his days getting stoned. However that may or may not be what actually happened.
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