Library
“Reading is for punks!”
“I've had it with this MOTHERFUCKING TALKING in this MOTHERFUCKING LIBRARY!!”
A library (or alternatively "Bookatorium") is a type of file-sharing network dating back to centuries before Christ. Files, or "books" as they are known to the initiated, can be freely uploaded ("lent") and downloaded ("borrowed") by anyone who has signed up to the network. The Publishing Industry Association of America, also known as the PIAA, has been fighting a long and drawn out legal battle with libraries (or alternatively "Bookatoriums") since the early 1700's.
History[edit | edit source]
The Library (Bookatorium) of Alexandria[edit | edit source]
The first known library (Bookatorium) was established by the Ancient Egyptians, Named the Library(Bookatorium)of Alexandria, they had an aggressive collection policy whereby Librarians would wander the streets of Alexandria, mugging anyone with a book or magazine. Books collected in this manner were then returned to the library and promptly stamped, Property of the Library (Bookatorium) of Alexandria, do not remove. From then on you had to have a card to check out all of the dangerous, 'books.'
The Library (Bookatorium) of Alexandria mysteriously burned down in the fourth century. While no one is certain who burned it down, modern scholars (otherwise known as British monkeys) think it was likely the work of [[drunken fat boys from the USA]] who were pissing at the large fines they had been levied for failing to return copies of Playboy magazine in a timely manner. Alexandria is famous for being both gay, yet homosexual.
Libraries (Bookatoriums) today[edit | edit source]
Libraries (Bookatoriums) today are often described as the living room of the community. Anyone is welcome to enter, regardless of illiteracy, rank or odour. As a result, modern public libraries (Bookatoriums) are colourful places that provide endless entertainment for the library-goer (Bookatorium-goer). Many teenagers are known to frequent libraries (Bookatoriums) to access and pimp up their MySpace pages so they can more freely attract pedophiles. (Incidentally, said pedophiles tend to get busted by Chris Hansen of NBC, though Hansen claims to have never heard of a snozberry)
Libraries (Bookatoriums) belonging to educational establishments also distort the space around them, creating L-Space
The modern library (Bookatorium) has become the preferred habitat of many gremlins, as advancing technology and expanded use offer many possibilities for mischief. Their most popular game is to take books, CD's, and DVD's off the shelf and re-shelve them in random places around the library (Bookatorium). A variant of this game is to remove the CD or DVD from the case and return the empty case to the shelf. If you have ever lost valuable minutes searching for something the computer catalog said was on the shelf but wasn't, you are the victim of a library (Bookatorium) gremlin. Be proud. Another favorite gremlin pastime is messing with the public computers. Causing 404 page not found errors, changing passwords, putting gum in the headphone jacks, leaving nasty posts on your MySpace page, making Bugs Bunny pop up in the middle of the screen, and making your game character die are great sources of gremlin hilarity. The piece de resistance is freezing the computer just when a hapless user is about to save their work or save changes to their MySpace page, and watching the user pound the computer to bits with a half-sized pencil meant for writing call numbers . This is especially fun if the librarians (Bookatorium-dwellers) call the cops and the user is escorted out with their shirt pulled over their head. Other gremlin activities include, but are not limited to, stopping up toilets and flooding the restrooms, scattering sunflower seed shells and bird feathers on the floor, and pouring unknown liquids on chairs.
Programs[edit | edit source]
Melvil Dewey was unsuccessfully taken to court by the PIAA after designing a program to increase the efficiency of file sharing. The PIAA argued that though Dewey was not himself guilty of copyright infringement, had "authorized" Library (Bookatorium) users to illegally swap copyrighted material. Though Dewey escaped action, Dewey's system has been used with increased furtiveness ever since, with many libraries (Bookatoriums) choosing to keep it hidden in unmarked folders.
The Library Police (Bookatorium-Keepers)[edit | edit source]
According to novice author/monarch Stephen King, "If you don't return a book, they, well, umm, I can't think of a way to describe it."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Famous Librarians (Bookatorium-Dwellers)[edit | edit source]
Probably the most famous librarian (Bookatorium-dweller) is Jamie Grubb the Bookatorim-Dweller, who worked at the Library (Bookatorium) of Woodhouse Grove School from 1742 to the present, and has not left for more than five minutes every year to buy a new book. Grubb made the broadsword a primary tool for librarians who were dealing people who don't return books. He also stopped the revolutionary movement to play music in libraries (Bookatoriums) by playing the metronome at full volume at 140bpm (his favourite speed) through the entire world, the government managed to pass this off as a savage attack from the His Most Honourable Roberto Cheesefecker's Totalitarian Republic Of The Moon .
Vashta Nerada[edit | edit source]
Stay the fuck out of their library (Bookatorium)! Otherwise they will eat you alive and trap your brain in a neural relay asking over and over again who turned the lights off. Hey, who turned out the lights?
LOL TEH LIBRARYZ (BOOKATORIUMZ) IS INSIDE UR MIND
Kimberly Anne Fuckking Saunders
Batgirl is also famous as a Librarian (Bookatorium-Dweller). She also had a minor career fighting crime.
- British Library (Bookatorium)
- Library (Bookatorium) of the Damned
- Paul Pon