Druids

Around 12,000 B.C. a group of forest dwellers decided to create what is now known as The Druids. It wasn't out of being mysterious or elusive so much as it was just changing their character names from what they had been going by up until that time. Basically out of boredom. They were collectively known as the Wise Cow of Field, the Rooster of High Perch, the Cat of Trees, the Mouse of Cheese, the Bat of Caves, the Butterfly of Willow, and the Horse of Nigh.

The Druid known as Bat of Caves

Before shedding the critter names to become just the Druids, they assigned several other forest creatures to take on the critter roles wherein all the dwellers of forest would still have all their familiar settings. Nobody wanted to lose any cows or any of that stuff. Gnomes were upgraded to bunnies with an attitude. Fairies were given the keys to the chicken coop (which actually didn't end too well as they gave the chickens treehouses to live in), and water sprites were promoted to gatherers of fish, teaching fish to eat for a day and then graduating their wards to learn how to eat for a lifetime by hunting Roman Soldiers in the deep.

For thousands of years these woodland entities kept Nature in balance. They went as far as constructing a huge pile of rocks they named Stonehenge. It was quite a monstrosity. But it was easy to find nearby parking. The clearing where it stands shows as a testament to their hard work ethics and dense understanding of Celtic humor. For no one could move any of the stones away. There they would stay. Forever.

In the following centuries they would also construct maze-like castles and hedges beyond those castles, in which they themselves would get lost now and then and have to call on the Big Flying Cow of Moon to rescue them.

The Druids had been known to use moss and straw to build little forest huts, and use heavy stones that they would carve into and use as shrines. They also made use of trees to build dwellings in them, on them, and sometimes underneath them. The roots of the trees would be filed down to make room, and just to add insult to injury, the Druids would tie little yellow ribbons around them. However they had to wait for the invention of aluminum, toothpicks, and duct tape to be able to make their little cars.

A Brief History of War with the Romans

It began innocently enough, a few of Caesar's scouts were out sniffing around the Emerald Isle looking for grub when their ship crashed on their way to sign up with the Vikings when the Druids spied them trying to make something editable out of wild potatoes and wild berries. This was unacceptable. Everyone knows not to mix fruits and vegetables. The Druids approached the Romans and told them it was all wrong. The Romans, startled, spilled the last bit of wine they carried with them.

Although the Druids apologized for the wine incident, the Romans demanded that they provide more wine and a roast to show good will. When the Druids brought forth a barrel of Meade and a roasted chicken feast they all dined and had a few laughs. But the Romans, they wanted more chicken. They told the Druids that the Chinese were the ones who had the best chicken. Misunderstanding what the Romans meant by that, they thought the Romans were accusing them of kidnapping the Chinese and holding them for ransom because they didn't know how to properly prepare chicken.

Well, one thing led to another and the Druids told the Romans they had never tasted Chinese chicken, chicken chow mein, kung pao chicken or even moo goo gai pan chicken. The Romans, confused by this, just laughed it off. The Druids, now paranoid, began sending word throughout the land to keep an eye out for Chinese spies. This did not set well with the Romans because they had yet to conquer the Chinese and they didn't need any spotlight on their comings and goings.

But the Chinese somehow got word that the Druids were trying to kidnap them and that the Romans were taking credit for their chicken recipes. When Caesar himself got wind of this, he started a campaign to invade the Druids and the whole island of their country. Then deal with the Chinese. The Romans who were already there tried to escape before Caesar showed up, but only made it as far as the next village over. They still had to finish off all that Meade and didn't want to set out to sea when they were still overcoming having no sense of direction.

Claudus, I suspect we have a spy among us.

The Druids asked about the invasion Caesar had planned, and after they offered more Meade to their guests, naturally they were informed of everything. The Druids set about a plan to damage Caesar's ships and cripple them before Caesar could land. When the Roman legions finally landed, after having to swim to shore as all their ships were damaged, they began taking prisoners. To Caesar this was a positive sign until realizing that most of their prisoners were elves and gnomes and couldn't be kept in captivity of Roman fashion. They kept slipping through the bars of their cages. Sometimes they would return to their cages to redecorate them in vine and mosses. Because they felt the cages were too bland and tacky.

The Druids called on Caesar to stop taking prisoners, to which Caesar sent his word that he would just start killing everybody. The Romans who were already there went to see Caesar and asked him to not kill them. The Druids weren't too happy that they had been sold out. They went to see their Roman guests and asked them to next time include everyone in that agreement, not just the Romans. All were agreed that if anyone was going to die it would have to be the Chinese.

Caesar assembled his soldiers, preparing for battle they marched into all the villages and towns of the countryside. But most of the Druids had already went back into the deep forests and just watched from a distance as the Roman soldiers plundered and pillaged a lot of hay and straw while the cows just mooed and looked on, chewing grass and grazing as they casually went about their business. Caesar was more than annoyed when the Chinese showed up. Asking where the Druids were, the Romans shrugged and couldn't give a proper answer to suit the Chinese army. So the Chinese started threatening the Romans with burning down their tents if they didn't produce the culprit responsible for stealing their recipes.

Caesar was at a loss and couldn't see a way to win his campaign against the Druids or his upcoming conquering of the Chinese, since now they had some idea of what was going on. Caesar prepared to head back to Rome, but before he would, he attempted to knock over Stonehenge. This proved to be a disaster and he could hear the Druids laughing at him from the woods not too far away. The Romans who were already the guests of the Druids spoke of Caesar's diabolical schemes and that it could be likely that the Vikings may come to their island and pillage and plunder instead. The Druids just laughed. Telling the Romans that the Vikings won't do shit because they come to their country for Spring Break every year and enjoy the naked fairies when they're visiting.

The Unnatural Worship of Nature

Since the beginning of time (around three thousand years ago) on the sky clock of full moon phase every other week, the Druids dutifully took care of all the lands, and surrounding natural habitats where all life flourished. The trees and grottoes, and rivers, and lakes, and streams, old willows and wise old oaks, and wood wizards, wood dwelling critters and bugs were all part of their ritualistic upkeep of their world. They would celebrate nature by decorating everything with nature itself so to not look too glaring or out of place. Their ornaments and tree lights were made of pine cones and twigs that were braided to look natural, and not at all stupid. The lights would appear as fireflies and fairy light instead of flashy Christmas decorations. But because of this approach it was difficult to know when Christmas was being celebrated. So the Druids in their wisdom just cancelled Christmas and renamed it Flaky the Moonman. They also did this with other holidays. Easter Passover was renamed Bunny the Pastel Egglet, Halloween became All Hallow's Evening and Kitties! And New Year's Day was renamed Hung Over Until Further Notice.

Another thing that wasn't well thought out was giving the gnomes the title of bunnies with attitude. Gnomes already had an attitude and they weren't really furry. They ate carrots and reproduced like rabbits but their being bunnies was all wrong. The bunnies all banded together and made the Druids give the bunnies back their critter personas and the gnomes were given new hats that were pointy and red. Which were just like their old hats. Gnomes are too easily bribed.

Their rituals were some of the best rituals in the world, including the most popular Nearly Naked Mushroom Brunch and One Leaf Fits All. They enjoyed everything the land offered and should roots become bitter or the soil become too hard to grow anything, they simply placed little pots of gold in such spots and beamed a colorful light at them so the Leprechauns would seize the problematic areas and do something with it themselves. Usually the Leprechauns just lounged around and smoked nearby plants.

A woodland fur doggie on not looking Druish

Fashion

The usual colors of the Druids are always earthen tones, like brown and green. But they have appeared in white, black, sierra, fuschia pink, and bright yellow. Their clothes are typically cut to accommodate movement in their natural habitat. Basically they dress like ninjas. Only they don't go around assassinating and rarely use a Samurai sword.

Only when they run across dead Samurai and have to take the fallen Samurai swords in order to survive whatever killed the Samurai. Usually this being an actual Ninja. Also interesting is that Samurai warriors have had worse luck in Druish lands than in their own settings. It is believed that fairies were the reason for such a high number of fallen Samurai in olden times. Nowadays Samurai just continue sight seeing before heading to Iceland for fishing and extreme water sports.

The Druids have had their own fashion show since kilts became a hot new item. This however always ended with the contestants being given first prize on account of what was under their kilts rather than the kilts themselves. Regular judges at these fashion shows include reality TV star Donald Trump, feminist Harvey Weinstein, child rights advocate Jeffrey Epstein, and parking spot enthusiast Alec Baldwin. The men, especially the judges, were all too willing to showcase their kilts, or what secrets their kilts might reveal, at any fashion show. They rivaled the Scots in their use of plaids, length of kilts, and – well, you know ...

Things the Druids Invented

• Emeralds
• Flying shoes
• Tree climbing shoes
• Moss covered objects
• Gnome salve
• Garden gnomes
• Garden gnome salve
• Stonehenge
• Runic road signs
• Woodsy creatures from Greenland
• Rectal thermometers
• Roquefort cheese
• Jingly bells
• Sauna shrines
• Absinthe

Music Inspired by the Druids

• Clannad
• Enya
• The Corrs
• Sinéad O'Connor
• The Chieftains
• Spaceballs soundtrack
• Siouxsie and the Banshees
• Stevie Nicks
• A lot of Fleetwood Mac
• Kate Bush
• David Bowie