Rhode Island

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What the hell did I just trip over ?
The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations and Not Much Else
Rhode Island
Itsmillertimetin.jpg The RI Coat of Arms depicts a 1959 Cadillac model on Interstate 95 in Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. Map to scale.
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: '"As Rhode Island goes, so goes the nation."'
Anthem: "Theme from Family Guy" (formerly "Keep It In Rhode Island" by Paul Engemann)
High-quality image of tranquil Rhode Island, provided by GoogleEarth (Actual Size).
CapitalRhode Island City
Largest cityQuahog
Official language(s)Drunken rambling, broken english, and jive (South Providence only)
GovernmentDa Mob [1]
GovernorLincoln Chafee
‑ District AttorneyJim Sokolove
‑ CongressmanPatrick "Patches" Kennedy
National Hero(es)Buddy Cianci, James Woods, Seth MacFarlane, The Providence Dancing Cop, Arlene Violet, John Depietro, and the Big Blue Bug.
 of Independence
CurrencyDeposit soda cans, food stamps and expired coupons from miscellaneous grocery stores
Major exports"Business as usual", illegal fireworks (Mass residents only)
Major importsEnglish to Spanish signs, a one way ticket to Palookaville (native residents only)

So you're driving along Route 95 from New York City to Boston when you suddenly see a sign that says "Welcome to Rhode Island". Two minutes of driving and 50 feet later you see another sign that says "Thank You For Visiting Rhode Island, Please Drive Through Again", and you wonder to yourself "What was that I just drove through?". Well buddy, you just drove through the smallest state in the country.

Popularly known as the "latchkey kid" of Massachusetts and Connectthedots, Rhode Island is legally Boston's largest suburb although to the rest of the United States is a state which is really just the poor, ghetto, bastard cousin of New Jersey. They'd marry and become one state, but they're too moral. And Rhode Island is stuck, well, where it is.

On the positive side, however, Rhode Island County is entirely carpeted, thanks to a generous donation of 4,005 square miles of "casino-style" carpet by the Narragansett Indian tribe in 1982.

History[edit | edit source]

Robin Williams, seen here delivering a sermon to his followers, founded Rhode Island after being banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for his religious views.

The name "Rhode Island" is actually an abbreviated form of its full legal name, which is "The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations and Not Much Else". Despite being the smallest state, Rhode Island is the most significant as it is the biggest little state in the union. It is Providence and Newport with outlying areas being out of state. Sometimes the mystic city of Warwick will appear, but sightings are rare at best.

Despite its name, Rhode Island is actually full of streets instead of roads. It is, however, an island. The colonial outpost of Block Island is a colony of Rhode Island and is completely landlocked. Contrary to popular belief, it is not named after blocks of streets. It was first settled by a block-head, henceforth the name.

Rhode Island was founded when Robin Williams was kicked out of Massachusetts, although little else of interest has happened since that time, however hostilities continue between settlers and the native Wampanoag and Narragansett tribes in the North East frontier. (Cumberland, Lincoln, Pawtucket, etc.).

Government[edit | edit source]

Don Knotts Administration[edit | edit source]

In an attempt to cash in on the celebrity-turned-politician craze of the late 1990s, Rhode Island got into the act by electing Don Knotts as Governor of Rhode Island. However, once in office, Knotts passed the time by issuing bizarre laws such as making it illegal in Providence to throw pickle juice on a trolley or sell toothpaste & a toothbrush to the same person on Sunday. When it became illegal to smoke a corn-cob pipe after sunset in Newport, however, the city decided to secede from the state in protest.

In one of the largest political scandals in the state's history (and in New England that's saying something), nearly all the Pokémon in the state died out upon the discovery that Keira was no longer collectible. Responding to this crisis, known as the PokeDome scandal, Governor Don Knotts admitted to legalizing the hunting of Pokemon at a press conference justifying his actions as, "Legitimate business." (it was only after the release of Pokémon FireRed & LeafGreen, the Pokémon population of this state has begun to grow once more).

Shortly following this incident, Knotts was forced to resign from office in favor of Don Carcieri who has since been involved in the possible sale of Rhode Island to neighboring countries, including Great Britain as Prime Minister Tony Blair who remarked the purchase of Rhode Island "would allow our pubs to stay open till 4 a.m."

Narragansett Indian Tribe[edit | edit source]

A recent modification to the state constitution (which legalized casino gambling, prostitution and child labor for the Narragansett tribe on their reservation) also allowed for the creation of an infinite number of towns and cities. New towns and cities may now be created by the simple submission of a TR-9 form to Rhode Island's Division of Motor Vehicles. Along with the longest name, Rhode Island will therefore in time have the most municipalities in the United States. Officials hope this will increase overall federal funding which, along with laundering money for the New York mob (#2) and worship of our dark and ancient gods (#3), form the backbone of the State economy.

Driving laws[edit | edit source]

Main article: Rhode Island Driving Laws

One of Rhode Island's main exports are horrendous drivers. The state is so small, however, that no one ever sees them aside from those from Connectthedots or Massachusetts who have the unfortunate circumstance of sharing a border with the waste of space (albeit very little space). Because of this, Boston drivers have been faulted for being the worst drivers. This fallacy is blamed on Cambridge, which is not Boston and never will be. They get "wicked pissed" if you call them the same city.

Many local Rhode Islandic governments opt to disband their departments of transportation entirely, allowing traffic lights to burn out and marked crossings to fade away. This is why Rhode Island drivers largely ignore traffic signals, and why Rhode Island pedestrians can't identify a crosswalk from any other path between two sides of the street.

Most of Rhode Island is where something else "used to be." This allows local governments to save money by not posting road signs, since any given location can be referred to by whatever was previously there. "One-way" signs are posted exclusively by prankish teenagers, who enjoy watching out-of-state drivers try to obey them.

Economy[edit | edit source]

“I'm not stealing cable. I just have an "undocumented" cable converter.”

~ a Rhode Island resident on illegal immigration

Traditionally, most of the state's exports have been entirely through the Walmart in neighboring Seekonk, Massachusetts. During the late 1990s however, Rhode Island has experienced a growing automotive, retail and entertainment industry.

Cities[edit | edit source]

Providence[edit | edit source]

Providence, local slang for "Providenciasephonia", started out as a rest stop on I-95. A few hicks working their way to the northern states got lost along the way, stopped to rest in Pawtucket, birthplace of America's first sweatshop, settled in and called it home. In 1983, during the Second War of Liberation, Providenciasephonia seceded and is now one of the five Peruvian Territories.

Providence is divided into two main groups: the affluent East Side of Providence, home to Brown University and snotty private schools where students give all their attention to recreational drugs and the contents of the J. Crew catalog, and the rest of the poor bastards, who might as well live in Cranston or Central Falls.

So...they like money and..beer.

Tourism[edit | edit source]

“Do you, like, know Family Guy?”

~ tourist on someone from Rhode Island
Rhode Island is famous for its beautiful beaches.

Rhode Island is only slightly less boring than Wyoming. Interestingly enough, there is a city named Wyoming, RI. The only thing that makes Rhode Island more interesting are the drive by shootings and Arnold Street in Woonsocket.

Rhode Island is famous for frozen lemonade, overpriced pretzels, coffee milk, bubblers, grinders, bathtub shrines, "donuts" (sic) and quahogs. Every popular musician and band that has made it onto MTV has sung the classic folk song "Rhode Island is Famous for You". Rhode Island is also the birthplace of the "pollution revolution" when Samuel Slater established America's first mill cleverly named Slater Mill in Pawtucket.

Rhode Island is a popular vacation spot for angry, bitter New Yorkers wanting to get away from hectic city life. It's distinctly known for having the famous Highway 'O' (pronounced "ohhh") named so by its unusual shape.

Points of interest[edit | edit source]

You've got to be kidding me.

Finding your way around Rhode Island is easy, as all MapQuest directions start off with, "get on 95..."

  • Highway 'O' has no exits. It's simply one road that runs around the island and any cars that somehow drive on it are stuck there forever until the island sinks into the Sea of Obscurity.
  • The lovely water flume at Winset Heights, consisting of a bathtub and soapy water, is a fave with resident and visitors. The Halloween tour of the walk-in closet, said to have once been a burying ground for ancient Vikings and their subhuman gibbering slaves, is also a must-see.
  • "The Great House", better known as simply House, is located in the historic Southeast section of Rhode Island. House is the supposed birthplace of Oscar Wilder, but for tourism purposes it's claimed as one of the birthplaces of Oscar Wilde. Rhode Island is also completely surrounded by Water Ocean, which boasts an incredible variety of water particles - most notably H20 (pronounced "ache-to-ohhh").
  • The so-called "amazing, orgasmically fantastic, overly bombastic, good for nothing hackstic" music scene.
  • The Newport cliffs. A lovely tourist spot where you can tour some amazing mansions and sample fine upper-class culture. And when your depression becomes too great due to the fact that you realize you'll never be able to afford anything close to this, the cliffs are a wonderful place to hurl yourself from and end it all.
  • More Catholic Churches than there are dogs, cats, pigeons, and Republicans in the state COMBINED!

Interesting facts about Rhode Island[edit | edit source]

“It's not really an island.”

  • Rhode Island is called the Ocean State, in honour of Billy Ocean. This is mainly due to the potential for the whole place washing into the ocean during the next "wicked bad Nor'Easter" and plunging it into nothingness. Not that anyone would notice.
  • The official nickname of Rhode Island is the "Nightclub Fire state", though "Why would anyone make a state this small?" and "At least we have a unit of measurement named after our state" are also commonly used by natives and undocumented workers.
  • A "Rhode Island" is the base unit of area used in the United States for measuring icebergs, deforestation and other terrifying signs of global warming. It is roughly equivalent to the English Wight, Canadian Edward and the Australian ACT but is not quite as large as the new metric European standard, the Vatican. These units are freely convertible and can be traded for Yu-Gi-Oh or carbon credits.
  • The sole remaining county in which the Irish and Italians still hate each other.
  • Rhode Island has the largest electoral votes of the five New England states and has successfully picked three of the last nine U.S. Presidential elections.
  • Boasts the largest angry vegetarian dating service for lonely and desperate middle aged singles in New England. Alternatively, public access dating shows have also become common.
  • Few people call the police in Rhode Island. This is because everyone knows they have better things to do.
  • Any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void. Therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard
  • Peter Griffin lives there.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. This, of course, refers to the occupants of the RI State House rather than our friends in Federal Hill.

External links[edit | edit source]

  • OneCentStand.com, one Rhode Islander's threatening letters friendly correspondence with local businesses