Brown University

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“Brown's the color of poo!”

~ A rather obvious person on Brown

“At least we're not Cornell!”

~ Anonymous on Brown
Brown University
"Greetings, class, and welcome to your first semester at Brown University. I will be your kille—I MEAN, I will be your instructor! Yes! That's what I meant to say. Also, 'GROWR!' "
MottoDo not fondle the genitalia of the cubs, for their mother will bite you
HeadMahmoud Ahmadinejad
LocationProvidence, Rhode Island
Faculty10,000 Godless killing machines

Brown University is a private, Ivy League university rumored to be located in Providence, Rhode Island, United States. Founded in 1764 prior to American independence from the British Empire as the College in the English Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations and Not Much Else early in the reign of King George III (1760–1820), Brown is the third oldest institution of higher education in New England and seventh oldest in the United States. Depite being listed as an Ivy League university, few in the United States have ever heard of it, and thus it is entirely possible that it is just a large crater in Rhode Island.

History[edit | edit source]

Located in Providence, Rhode Island, Brown University was founded by a group of feminist, pro-gay, and pro-football bears in 1764. The school color is lime green, which most believe to be better than the hot pink Brown's counterpart in Cambridge, Massachussets (Harvard University) has chosen as its school color.

In 1891, a Women's College (later called Pembroke) was founded to meet the high demand among Rhode Island women for M.R.S. degrees. After marrying under the chuppah in 1971, Brown and Pembroke are still together despite recent rumors of Pembroke's lesbian affair with the Rhode Island School of Design.[1]

Administration[edit | edit source]

Since its founding by bears in 1764, Brown has had 18 presidents, 17 secretaries of the Corporation, and more deans than you can shake a placard at. E. Gordon Gee is Brown's most popular ex-president, having led Brown exceptionally through a dark, two-year period of mediocre leadership. Since his departure, all new campus buildings and areas have been named after him, which has led to the creation of Gee Dorm, Gee Quad, and the satellite Gee Vomitoriums.

Brown's current president, Ruth J. Simmons, joined Brown in 2001 from the administration's feeder school, Smith College. Since arriving, President Simmons has posted all-star stats. So far this season she has had 4 Corporate Boards, 31 RTDs (Requests Tactfully Denied), and 12 hit points (all stamina).

Brown recently launched the public phase of its capital campaign, "Boldly Brown," which aims to raise over $1.4 billion in unused meal credits. The effort has elicited a wave of celebrity donations, resulting in many new honorary names for campus facilities, such as Sidney Frank Hall, the Mahmoud Abbas Coatroom in the Hillel building and the Planned Parenthood restroom on the Science Library's 13th floor.

Brown's sports teams are known as the Bears. Under the leadership of former Admissions Director Michael Goldberger, all of Brown's teams are having their "best season ever."

Geography[edit | edit source]

Brown's campus is located in the planned and descretely gated community in Providence, which was named after the failed NBC family drama. The city's mayor, David N. Cicilline, is Jewish, Italian, gay, Portuguese, Mexican, Native American and short, proving that Providence is nothing if not a diverse community. Providence is often considered the center of the Italian Renaissance, and such luminaries as Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael have established artists' lofts in the city's sewers, fighting crime with anchovy pizzas and piquant quips.

The Campus Culture[edit | edit source]

Swirl is the official frozen yogurt flavor of Brown, since the black and the white are next to each other without really mixing. This has caused controversies, as Asian Americans and Latinos on campus are often forced into choosing a side between chocolate and vanilla--and the choice is painfully obvious to most.

Brown is also considered to be the "Happiest Ivy," primarily because of the smog of pot that hangs three feet above the Main Green during sunny days. Pot smokers on campus are known as Hash Browns.

Due to Brown's rampant professionalism, the University operates numerous graduate schools, including a Medical School, two Law Schools and five Gee Business Schools. Brown's famous "New Curriculum" allows students to take any activity, meal, naps, or significant other on a "satisfactory/no credit" (S/NC) basis. S/NC can be best understood as a pass/fail system in which failure is amnesia. Within the "New Curriculum" students can create their own major, such as Activism Studies, Protest Studies, Studies Studies, Suicide Studies, and Recreational Pharmacology.

Sports Teams[edit | edit source]

Brown's most famous sports program is its Football team, which in 1954 won a legendary game against the Board of Education "Fightin' Racists." The effects of this game still reverberate today, and include desegregation of public schools, a permanently united Supreme Court, and the requirement for all school children to learn the difference between "de facto" and "de jure." Board of Education has been too much of a big wussy to suggest a rematch.

Music[edit | edit source]

They famously created what came to be known as "the brown note" in music.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. A little "cross-registration," if you know what I mean.
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