Amnesia
Oh wait, I forgot.
“Huh?”
“I had a quote for that ...”
“I was going to mow the lawn but I forgot we had a lawn.”
“I’m going to have so much amnesia when I get older.”
“I don’t recall having amnesia.”
Amnesia is ... something that happens when ...
I mean, you get it when ... something happens to your ... What's that thing sitting on your neck called again?
I remember something about coconuts ...
I have amnesia. Funny, I'll always remember the time ... Damn. I forgot.
Diagnosing amnesia[edit | edit source]
Amnesia can be diagnosed by asking a person certain questions. I don't exactly remember what questions or where you might ask them. My head hurts. Something about the president, maybe? Anyway, if they don't know what the answer is ... I forget what that means. What are we discussing again? Something about cheese ... It doesn't matter anyway – amnesia is a godsend for soap opera writers.
Forgetting amnesia[edit | edit source]
But you already have ... or have I? Ha! Good question. Shame I forgot the answer.
Curing amnesia[edit | edit source]
The only known cure for amnesia is ... God, my head feels like its splitting in two. Christ where's the advil?
I think there's something about ... hitting someone on the head with a mallet? You bastard! It was you, wasn't it? Or making them listen to Britney Spears for hours on end. This will cure the amnesia but may cause brain cancer. The lesson is that it's better to forget everything than to get brain cancer. No, hang on. I mean it's better to get brain cancer than listen to Britney Spears. Other cures include ... um ...
- Wait. What was I talking about?
- Where am I?
- Who are you?
- Why do you have a mallet? <clonk>
Conduciveness to blatant punnery[edit | edit source]
A common symptom experienced by those discussing amnesia is the sudden urge to make puns. This blatant punnery is usually in the form of pretending to forget about the topic mid-sentence – just like amnesia! Whilst some pundits claim this to be blatant punnery, some believe that it doesn't constitute punnery at all and that most people don't even understand or have forgotten what a pun actually is.
Grandma's case[edit | edit source]
Grandmothers are the ones with the most serious case of ... cancer? Oh yeah, amnesia!
We don't know for sure but the most important proof found about ... my grandma! I love my grandma. She bakes me cookies every Sunday. Well anyway ... it was ... bananas? No. I think ... Oh well, how about this:
- Grandma: "Sweety, who was that German guy who ruined my life again ... Mussolini? Stalin?"
- Grandson: "No, he was Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer."
Princesses[edit | edit source]
Amnesia is also the name given to the last Russian princess, because everyone forgot about her after the communists took over. If anyone is said to have "had amnesia", they actually mean they slipped it to a princess and not the condition – if I remember correctly.
Islands[edit | edit source]
Wait, Amnesia is also a group of small islands in the South Pacific, right?
Who's at risk?[edit | edit source]
Generally, characters on ... what are they called ... detergent musicals? No. I don't think that's right. Bloody hell these headache tablets aren't doing anything.
Are you an amnesiac?[edit | edit source]
I did know this one ... Magnus Magnusson?
Wait, wait, does this have something to do with ... damnit damnit damnit! What was it? Something about ... Oh, a heavy marble lamp dropping on a small child's head ... Was he my cousin? No, no, he was ... my sister? No ... Magnus Magnusson? Yeah, that's it.
Amnesia International[edit | edit source]
Amnesia International is a shadowy charity organization that helps people with amnesia worldwide. Despite being a large organization, the world at large remains oblivious to their existence. Coincidentally so does the organization itself. I was a member myself but I kept forgetting to go. Therefore, there isn't really that much more to say about them, except that ... um, well ...
Is amnesia contagious?[edit | edit source]
Obviously this can be solved by simple math. I mean that's obvious. But I can't remember, so I'll need to check my computer ... Where's the computer? Oh, here it is! What's my password? Let's try bobrocks ... baAz1nga! I'm in! What?
Is amnesia contagious?[edit | edit source]
Yes, as a matter of fact. If you confuse others, then it is. You didn't have to yell ... Mashed potatoes? Jesus wept ... It's always the fucking mashed potatoes with you ... erm, what's your name again? Ow ow ow. Jesus God my head feels like something fell on it.
Is amnesia contagious? Wait ...[edit | edit source]
I think I read something about amnesia in the 70s, though later I got hit on the head by a ladybug. But it's good that I remember the past, when typewriters were still AZERTY. It's okay if I can't remember anything about that now! I'm very aware of my surroundings. Oh, where were we? Yeah, I think I read something about the 70s ...