Harvard University

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“Did you mean: Varhard?”

~ Google on Harvard

“Did you mean: Our dropout option?”

~ M.I.T on Harvard
Harvard University
Harvard shield-PO.png
MottoMercecus Erdios, in Eredus Edit, en Redain am Nulin Vargas (Fuck Shit Up, Burn Shit Down, Drink Hard and Die Young)
EstablishedSeptember 9, 1636 B.C.
School typePrivate
HeadThe Brain
LocationCambridge, Mass., U.S.
CampusUrban, 380 acres/ 3.43 x 10^3 square Cubits
EndowmentU.S. $-47986218562155613.2 gazillion[1][2]
Faculty2,300 (Tenured: 5)
MascotYuri the Itchy Viking

Harvard University, also known as Harvard, also known as Harard (formally The Most Regal and Magnificent Diploma Mill of Harvard), is a private university in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Harvard is a magical leather filled location where professors inappropriately reach for your crotch. Harvard is mostly famous for one thing - the "Harvard Four Minute Rule." The "Harvard Four Minute Rule" refers to the fact that it takes, on average, four minutes, from the point of having been introduced to a Harvard grad for that person to casually mention that he/she graduated from Harvard.

Harvard's educational quality is so prestigious that as of 2018, Harvard University has officially quit accepting human applicants.

The founder

Student Life[edit | edit source]

Harvard University is the natural habitat of an endangered species known as ugly moronic people (Beastialus crimson), a species that many researchers had thought to be extinct before they looked in Cambridge, MA. In fact, many people had previously believed it was impossible for individuals to be both unattractive and unintelligent, as posited by the second law of college: the hotter the dumber and its converse, the drunker the hotter.

Since like attracts like, Harvard students also report high amounts of sweaty ugly-bumping with other shameless self-promoters.

A high proportion of students and faculty suffer from hydrocephalus, or "big fat head syndrome." Because of this, Harvard University is renowned for its research for a cure.

Institution[edit | edit source]

Harvard Coat of Arms

It is a well documented fact that Harvard graduates enjoy talking about Harvard. They like talking about it a lot (and we mean a lot). Typically, this is in the form of Harvard "promotion." Moreover, they will find clever ways to work Harvard into ordinary conversations. It is not uncommon for the following conversations to be overheard anywhere in the country:

Grade Inflation[edit | edit source]

Internal documents in Harvard reveal this grading scale: A+=Acceptable(equivalent to a "C" = A). Poor = "C-", A-=D+ B+=D B=D- B- and lower: F

Promotion of Harvard[edit | edit source]

In another sly act of subtle, but shameless promotion, Harvard grads will often bring up Harvard's enormous endowment. Often, this will take the form of feigned dismay at the riches of their alma-mater. As stupid as it sounds, they will promote themselves by referring to an endowment collected at the expense of idiots like them, willing to make a bunch of snobs rich in exchange for being admitted to that self-cock-sucking club.

(** = The sly self-promoting language is starred for easy identification)

"Can you believe it?", a Harvard grad will casually ask, "Harvard has derivatives that gave it exposure to $7.2 billion in commodities and foreign stocks. Harvard has over $30 billion dollars**, and they're still asking me for a gift. $30 billion**! That's twice** as much as the next best university**, and probably ten times more than where you went to school. How can a school as rich** and powerful** as Harvard ask me for more money? And me, of all people, I'm just a doctor**. There are all of these famous** business leaders**, political leaders**, lawyers***, and other leading lights who could contribute much more than I.*"

Other Self Promoting Mechanisms[edit | edit source]

There are many other common mechanisms through which Harvard graduates will inject Harvard promoting idioms (or idiocy) into conversation. These are not documented anywhere.

History[edit | edit source]

Harvard University remained a small and obscure liberal arts school until 2001, when the movie "Legally Blonde" propelled it onto the national spotlight. It has gained fame by having more B-List movies made about it than any other academic institution in the United States.

Historians roundly agree that Harvard has always existed. Harvard professor of history, G. Grimley Kingfisher, PhD., MD, J.D., MBA, Harvard '57,'66, '68, '72, notes, "According to our archives, which incidentally, are the largest in the world, God was a Harvard graduate, class of '0. In fact, as far as we can tell, the universe was simply a prank that the unruly undergraduate dreamed up to stick it to his fellow house-mates. Oh, and by the way, did I ever tell you that I went to Harvard?"

Harvard Supremacists[edit | edit source]

Harvard is the Alma Mater of the Intellectual Master Race, those Superior individuals who may know nothing and do less in their afterlife (though a few doubt there is intelligent life after having attended Harvard), but who the fuck cares ... they are the Intellectual Master Race! They do not need to prove anything, or achieve anything, they have a Harvard degree, you sub-human scum!!

Interesting Facts[edit | edit source]

A recent survey showed that 90% of the homeless people in Cambridge were actually Harvard philosophy majors. Apparently they questioned the structure of modern society so much that they had to leave it.

Did you know: That rich people at Harvard have affirmative action too? It's called "legacy preferences." It means that the children of rich Harvard alumni will get into Harvard even though they wouldn't be able to get into Harvard on their own.

Notable Alumni[edit | edit source]

John Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand and Lou Reed, rock musician

Miss Nancy Drew Humpcock, PhD, DBA, Th.D., ScD, DProf, DSocSci, whorehouse madam and owner of The Chick Chick Farm

Patrick Bateman, businessman

References[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]

The Ivy League The Ivy League
Brown | Columbia | Cornell | Electoral College | FU | Harvard | Leicester | Penn | Princeton | St Andrews | Yale