Your Harvard Admissions Decision Letter
Department of Admissions
January 5, 2021
The Harvard Admissions Committee has reviewed your application, and it is my high honor to inform you that you have been admitted to Harvard University in the Class of 2025. Congratulations!
We have reviewed your application in its entirety and have made this decision based on many factors, including your GPA, SAT scores, and extracurricular activities. Based on your academic record, I can tell that you are the type of smartass geek who would thrive at Harvard, and as a reward for your outstanding achievements we are proud to present you with a merit-based scholarship of $28,500 per year. I'll bet you don't even need that scholarship, because your rich-ass parents are going to pay your tuition, you ungrateful son of a bitch. Additionally, we have elected to waive your on-campus housing fees and provide you with a set of courtesy textbooks at no cost. Fuck you.
On behalf of the Harvard community, I wish to extend an invitation for you to join us on Accepted Students Day, where the deans and I can personally congratulate you. I'll find you there and beat the shit out of you. Come meet your future peers and celebrate this momentous occasion!
We hope to have you as a part of our prestigious community of scholars, and we genuinely look forward to seeing all the great things you'll accomplish. You can go right ahead and fuck yourself with your dumb scholarly ass. You don't know how easy you have it; you haven't put even half as much effort into your life as I have. And what do I get from working my ass off my entire life? Motherfucking denied from Harvard! Look at you, all you had to do was sit on your lazy goddamn ass all day long. Well congratulations, you did it. You got in. I hope you're happy, because I sure as fuck would be if I were you.
Christopher R. Johnson
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions,