Columbia University

“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by Rudolf, the dark lord of fairyland... ooohwee!”

~ Allen Ginsberg on speaking of the undergraduate student body at Columbia University (as as far as we can tell)

“Is Martha Stewart gonna have to slap a bitch?!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I went to Columbia and majored in Sociology. I didn't learn shit and lost my social skills in the process. Now I live with my parents.”

~ Columbia Alumnus

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Located in the West Harlem district of Manhattan, SUNY Harlem (or Columbia University) is located in the City of New York and is: is one of the most dangerous universities located in the United States, other than Rutgers Newark. Students who walk approximately one block off campus grounds are stabbed. Most stabbings are done by streetside beggars, Greenpeace activists, Asian Bible study groups, or local Harlem residents. However, inside the main campus it is very safe, as there are 24 hour on duty riot police. Any outside intruders such as Japanese tourists, local Harlem residents, ice cream men, pizza delivery boy, etc. are truthfully beaten to protect the students of Columbia.

Columbia's full title is "Columbia University in the City of New York" which was revised in 1997 by Dean Christopher Colombus from "Columbia University for Jewish Students". The student body in Columbia University is very diverse. More than 60% of the students at Columbia are Jewish, as the others are Blacks and Mexicans that come in by affirmitive action. The Chinese population is only accepted in Columbia because they hacked the admissions system and they bribe the admissions officer with fortune cookies and opium. The Arabic student body has been all expelled or shot after 9/11. In recent times, Columbia students have been able to get odd-jobs around New York City.

Popular classes at Columbia College

• Phantom Limb
• Hipster Humanities
• Cocaine!
• The Art of the Safety Dance
• Modern Language
• Why Gray's Papaya?
• Lets Smoke Cigarettes!
• Middle Elfish
• Italian Renaissance Painting
• How to make sucky fraternity parties
• Medieval Thought and the Significance of Plastics
• Meow
• Witchcraft
• Fingerpainting
• How to save the universe in three easy steps!
• What the hell is a Sanjia?
• Wookies
• My Ass
• Contemporary Civilization
• Sensitivity Training
• Torture (ie AIP with Cliff Stein)
• Puppy Abuse

Sports

Do they have these? Seriously, I have no fucking clue.

Student Clubs

Barack Obama, President of the United States, Nobel Laureate, Columbia College Class of 1983.

• Mexican Student Club: This is the other club that runs the "Crazy" faction in Columbia University. They demand a weekly payment of $200 or else they beat you. There have been several attempts to break off into more social clubs, and for a short time clubs such as the Ecuadorian Student Club or Sounds of South America have existed. However, all the members of those clubs have been hunted down and executed.

• The Uptight PC Asshole Club: This club was originally formed by Satan while an undergrad at General Studies (having flunked out of East Hell State) back in 2004. The clubs purported purpose is to keep professors from ever offering an opinion on any issue of import by organizing rallies on campus in the event of an instructor saying Palestine, Israel, Jew, Kike or Sand Nigger in any context. In reality, Satan was just shilling for the Pharmaceutical industry knowing that the entire population would need medication to keep from killing all those ignorant Fucks.

Core Curriculum

• Dinosaurs once ruled the earth, and I am out to find them
• Your Future: Paying off debts and winning the favor of NYU Alums for employment.
• Crazy Robot Nazi Zombies from Hell on Crack: Fact or fiction?
• Hillary Clinton's penis: The Untold Member of the Clinton Administration

Dining on and off campus

• On campus: All Columbia foods are Kosher and no non*Kosher food may be brought on campus. In 2002 a Chinese student from the Mainland China province of Gook bought some bacon at the local supermarket University Food Market (UFM) and was beaten immediately to death by Jewish Patrol Police. Also, UFM was razed for attempting to sell pork within a 5*mile radius of Columbia. UFM is now replaced with Morton Williams Supermarket, which is essentially the same, but without the pork, and the Latina cashiers are more disgruntled.
  
• Tom's Diner: This is the famous diner showed on Seinfield, only that the show lied: the inside is dirtier and the food is DELICIOUS but disgusting. If Jerry ate there every day, then they never show you his late night diarrhea adventures.
• V&T Pizzeria: This is the pizza place that is run by the local Italian mafia. Do not be frightened if the waiter pulls out a Tommy to scare you with. He simply wants a bigger tip.
• Symposium: This is the local Greek restaurant around Columbia. No one has ever eaten here because no one can read the menu.

Columbia Online

Columbia has a website, but I'm not sure what it is. Some dude from Columbia once set up CampusNetwork, which would have been bigger than Facebook but it failed. More recently a bunch of douchey hipsters set up Bwog, which is pretty boring to read. Another site to check out is WikiCU where you can find out almost everything you've never wanted to know about the university.

The Story of the Columbia Tunnels

• Once upon a time there was a little squirrel. And this squirrel said to God, "How dost thou become a hero amongst men?" And God spoke, "Easy, little squirrel, why do you want to know?" And the squirrel said, "Because I want to become like you, only furrier." And God said, "I laugh at your petty instincts. You will never usurp all that is truly holy." And Saint Augustine, who was sitting to the right of God, said, "God's a true high speed awesomeist. It is written in scripture that a rodent will never be able to be that high speed or that awesomeist. Try again next season." And the squirrel cried and cried until he was awakened by a nasty case of tuberculosis. And that is the story of how God created the tunnels under Columbia's Morningside campus.
• The tunnels were once the hottest date rape spot between 110th and 120th streets, but now that it has been discovered that consent is sexy, they have become the domain of rabid SEASers and actors who got lost while filming on campus.
• A free alternative to Collegeboxes.

Other factoids

• Martha Stewart went to Barnard. It was here that she learned how to make the woman in the next cell her bitch.
• Dartmouth is right next door to Columbia. Surprisingly, because Dartmouth students don't steal sticks from the surrounding neighborhoods to insert into their rectums, the school has learned to co*exist peacefully with the Natives.
• Manhattan island was created in the basement of Pupin Hall, the headquarters of the "Manhattan Project". There are still unstable isotopes of fifth avenue and the lower east side in the dark bowels of this building. The secret entrance is through the men's bathroom on the bottom floor.
• People learn to read here.
• People from Long Island are assholes.
• There are lots more things to speak about concerning this Ivy League institution. I can't remember. Maybe I might remember if I got high...

Academic Standards

Grade inflation is for winners, too bad Columbia isn't Harvard.

Expulsion Policy

Don't mess with Texas.

The C.V. Starr East Asian Library

This outstanding collection of East Asian texts was bequeathed to the university in the spring of 1926. Much hilarity ensued.

The Columbia Fight Song

FOR SPARTA!!!

Amen.