Yasser Arafat
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Yasser Arafat (née Mohammed Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf al-Qudwa al-Husseini, et al.), was a former drummer of the Beatles and the President of the Druze. An undying Arab prince and a crack-smoking homosexual, the story of Yasser Arafat is lost in the mists of time. Nevertheless, it is a widely spread belief amongst historians and people who post on Internet forums that Arafat was born thousands of years ago, at the center of a volcano, and that he is the outcome of a demon and scientologist both fucking each other.
Once growing out of his larvae phase and reaching maturity, Arafat left his volcano, vowing to become to ruler of all of Israel, mainly because it seemed like the cool thing to do and probably also because he wanted to impress some chicks.
Rise to power[edit | edit source]
Since the Druze at the time had their land occupied, stolen, and subsequently annexed by the greedy Ottoman Empire, Arafat knew he had to employ cunning and malicious methods to win the trust of the unsuspecting Druze. He set out to the far city of Baghdad, where he founded the Druze Liberation Front (DLF). In order to raise money for pamphlets and stickers, he was forced to sell his spare kidney to a random passerby. That is how he met his second wife (he never talked about his first), Suha Arafat, as she was a very avid passerby and made it a habit to “pass by” at least three times a week.
After raising the required amount of money and several forms of Darth Vader impersonators, Yasser Arafat and his militia of shadow monsters invaded and conquered the famous Druze stronghold known as the Mukat’aa. This was a vile fortress, of jetting towers and towering jets, all black and dark and covered with the droppings of winged monkeys, who were then an indigenous life form to the Druze's land, but are now extinct.
Meanwhile, in the Holy Land...[edit | edit source]
By then, The Ottomans were chased back to Turkey by Australian regiments and the surrounding real estate was purchased by the Jewish people, which founded anew the nation of Israel. Just when the Arafat thought his fighting days were over, The Israelis, led by their witch-kings, launched a merciless attack on the Mukat’aa.
In retort, Arafat used his vile magic to create enchanted exploding bombs, which he then sent to Israeli shopping centers and pizza parlors when he was fed up of the long queues and poor service provided to him. He took that as an insult to all Druze people since he was the President of the Druze.
In the year 2000, in an attempt to bring peace between the warring nations, the Hebrew king Ehud Olmert took President Yasser Arafat to lunch at the luxurious Camp David, an American-Hebrew restaurant owned by then President Bill Clinton. They both had pie and claimed it was delicious.
Arafat is also known for founding the first Druze casino, which featured bloody spectacles of cage fights to the death. He apparently founded this casino as a response to the ad "What would you do for a Yorkie Bar?". He is also known for his tendency to never, ever compromise with his enemies. His fans are rabid but distraught by his failure to win the Super Bowl, despite advancing to the NFC Championship game on four consecutive occasions. He was seen playing football on many an occasion, though he banned it in his own country.
Death[edit | edit source]
Arafat died at the ripe old age of 73, after accidentally swallowing a bottle of liquid soap. He was surrounded by loved ones and goats. His biography was penned by George W. Bush and is a colour-by-number seven page compendium, released in 2003 and titled "Arafat in a Tablecloth Hat!".
Legacy[edit | edit source]
The fight over Arafat's remains is still being fought in the Druze courts to this day; but despite the fact that he left millions of obsolete pre-Euro French francs in Swiss bank accounts, it remains unclear who is fighting who and over for what. Arafat was regarded by the Druze as truly a remarkable and memorable leader. But, hey, check out his fucking tea towel that he wears on his head. Looks shit, right?
Incidentally, Arafat's soul was actually secretly bottled up by an undercover CIA agent at his deathbed and has been transferred into another body. Israel has offered to pay ten shekels if you can find that person and give them the information which will lead to a successful arrest and prosecution.
Palestinian Authority TV writes a song commemorating Arafat and his lofty dedication to World Peace[edit | edit source]
- Yasser Arafat - I have written your name in my heart,
- I have poured the blood of self-sacrifice on your path
- How can I forget my nation's catastrophe as I say: Death for the sake of Palestine is good
- All the soldiers stood at attention
- They stood at your grave, saluting you
- with the weapon of rebellion loaded,
- with bullets which flew and greeted you.
- You declared the revolution and continued to fight. No, you did not tire.
- You did not give up on the principles. The heavier your burden, the more it strengthened you, Yasser. All the soldiers stood at attention.
- We swear at your grave, by Allah, not to forget how to spell your name, and your oath.
- We have not abandoned your weapon. Your oath is an obligation which we will carry out, Yasser. All the soldiers stood at attention.
- Produced by PA TV Palestine