Interstate 95

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Interstate 95
I-95 map.png
Length:
Stopped counting at at 1 mile
Formed:
July 4, 1776
South End:
Destroyed
North End:
Canada (cold America)
System:
Jerry Seinfeld Interstate Highway System
Road Marker
I95.PNG

Bouncywikilogo.gif

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Interstate 95.

Interstate 95 is a multi-lane highway that goes through the affluent Eastern seaboard states. It is the most prestigious highway and the further North one drives the more sophisticated and woke it becomes. It was born from President Eisenhower's communist plot to invest billions of American's hard working tax dollars into roads that free loading lazy people could use for free. Luckily over time some states have introduced tolls such as in New Jersey. The road takes on different qualities in different states ranging from the absolute shrivelled grape sized section in Washington D.C. to the New York State portion (mostly a parking lot) to the Florida area (used as an ashtray and refuse dump for discarded beer cans) to the Maine area (filled with nothing).

History[edit]

The original interstate was dreamed up by the founding fathers who believed the original 13 colonies could be connected by the most glorious dirt road the world has ever seen. By the end of the second World War it was realized that asphalt was easier on a car's tires and transmission and it was decided to pour molten gravel and tar so that America's beautiful country side could be permanently scarred. With Eisenhower's socialist reign he paved over America's traditional dirt roads (which conservative folk wanted to preserve as a part of "Confederate statues@America's history".

Mexico, CUBA, and Florida[edit]

Sometimes, the traffic is so bad even the "GTFO of here" lanes are screwed.
A shining example of why American highways are so safe and simple to navigate.

Traffic jams, confusing signage, and the gates of hell being 500 meters away make travelling on this part of the highway difficult. An extension of Donald Trump's wall into the Gulf of Mexico and melted tires from the heat of the underworld further contribute to the blockage.

In Miami, I-95 experiences serious traffic constipation congestion, due to large numbers of demon vehicles merging in from the Pandaemonium Beltway. From your car, you should be able to see the Devil's mansion on your left, with the souls of the damned being collected from car wrecks as they crash.

I-95 fornicates with Florida's Turnpike from Miami to Yomami. From there, it continues towards the clusterfuck with Interstate 4 depicted on the right. This is designed to keep tourists from getting to Walt Disney World, and to instead force them to go to the incredible Ritz Theatre.

After that mess for which Han Solo apologizes, I-95 intersects Interstate 10's eastern terminus in Andrew Jacksonville. The city takes its name from the guy who kicked the Seminoles out of the area and forced them to share land with Yoda and Kermit the Frog in the Neverglades.

Georgia[edit]

Oh great, it seems we can't exit these political battleground states. Seriously, though, the portion of I-95 in Georgia is very contentious, and after the 2020 US presidential election, people were protesting and blocking the highway.

In addition, the highway goes past a nuclear facility, and nuclear bombs occasionally blow up, but what's scarier is a bomb half a mile off the coast. If such bomb blew up, it would completely destroy I-95, giving Interstate 5 the title of longest parking lot, and permanently cutting off Savannah from Jacksonville.

Carolinas[edit]

The North Carolina section was added after the illustrious D.C. portion and they simply have absolutely handsome roads. Nobody cares about South Carolina's portion and they are seriously jealous of North Carolina's superior asphalt and major airport hubs. South Carolina suffers from transportation inferiority and it shows through the amount of dangerous potholes and abandoned signs on their stretch of the interstate. S.C. want to join N.C. for many other reasons to make a super Carolina (with a super highway) but America doesn't want to go back to the 49 star flag!

Virginia[edit]

The Springfield Interchange was designed with the sophisticated method of tangling two bits of string.

And then, I-95 enters Virginia. US 301 also parallels the route, but nobody cares. Within Richmond, the route used to be toll as the Richmond Penisburg Turnpike into Richmond, but the tolls were removed only to be replaced by tolls farther north closer to DC.

DC[edit]

WILLLLLSONNNNNNN!!!!!
It's not a row of wood.

Captain Obvious on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge

The 0.11 miles that pass through Washington D.C. are the most sacred and holy parts of the highway. Each tenth of a mile is dedicated to one of America's great presidents. Since there were only five of them the rest are just dedicated to some social justice activist or whatever who made lives better for some minority nobody cares about.

Maryland[edit]

I-95 continues using the Capital Beltway until it connects to the ACTUAL routing of I-95. The portions south of the junction were never built because I said so.

It then continues towards Baltimore, where I have good news and bad news:

  • Bad: Baltimore has crime.
  • Good: A military fort protects I-95.
  • Bad: The fort is no longer in service and is also a museum.
  • Good: Underwater tunnel provides better protection.
  • Bad: Tunnel leaks.
  • Good: Alternate route: I-895. It has a tunnel too.
  • Bad: That one leaks as well.
  • Good: Alternate alternate route: I-695. BRIDGE!!!
  • Bad: Bridge is toll and taking the other side of the beltway takes too damn long.
  • Good: You can avoid all of these problems by taking Maryland to Interstate 70 to I-695 and connect bad
  • Bad: That is over 60 miles out of your way.
  • Good: You can also head the other way on US 50 to actually take you into Delaware by cutting across to Route 54.
  • Bad: You miss the northern half of Maryland and go instead through all of Delaware.
  • Good: Delaware has less traffic
  • Bad: Southern Delaware has no highways.
  • Good: You can take the ferry on US 9 to get to southern Jew Jersey
  • Bad: That's way the fuck outta your way and besides a parkway you won't hit civilization for like another 120 miles.
  • Good:There is no traffic
  • Bad:Red lights and isolation is worse then traffic.

Make your own decision here.

Delaware[edit]

As I-95 moves through Delaware, it forms a wall, as it does not like Joe Biden but instead likes Donald Trump. This wall means that no one can move from the south to the north. The south doesn't care because (1) they are far from the north and (2) they can loophole via US 9 and flank the North/just get to fucking Pennsylvania that way. The wall goes decisively through Wilmington, which basically is a "fuck you" to Joe Biden as he cannot travel to his own shopping mall.

Jew Jersey[edit]

Upon crossing into Jew Jersey, your eye at first detects just a grassland with nothing in it. However, once you merge onto the Jew Jersey Turnpike, and cross Exit 10, there becomes way more traffic. You spend hours sitting just to move from an exit to the next, as you see all the other bridges and tunnels and wish you could go there. Evantually, you hit the George Washington Bridge, but it is already the next week by the time that happens.

New York and Connecticut[edit]

The first section of interstate 95 was built through NYC and it actually predates the adventurous second world war. People needed to drive their horses and buggies from Manhattan to their country homes in Connecticut. The mad rush on Friday after the work week ended and hundreds of buggies all clogged the small roads (along with their train of negro servants and boxes with their finest china and seance equipment). This meant heavy traffic and frustrated rich and connected folk. Naturally a special road was created (funded by the plebeians who were content taking their overstuffed ferries and putrid underground trains). It was a roaring success and was soon copied in other states.

Road Island[edit]

Here, the route is known for covering all of the state's area by itself. Which is saying something, as it only runs for 69 kilometers through the state. Maybe it was having sex with itself.

Massachusetts[edit]

Only this exit in Massachusetts is believed to lead to the minotaur. All the others are dead ends.

The section of I-95 in Massachusetts is believed to contain the Minotaur's maze, although no one has survived it to give accurate information. It goes around Boston, intersecting with US Route 1, I-295, I-495, I-90, and I-93. The last is especially important, as people often run away from the highway in an attempt to avoid grazing around forever.

Old New Hampshire[edit]

New Hampshire encourages drunk driving by placing a liquor store near exit 2. However, they ironically discourage drunk driving by making exit 2 the only toll exit on the route in this state. They only put the toll there in order to stop people from getting drunk on purpose to "accidentally" swerve into the nuclear power plant on exit 1. It is also known as the Blue Light Special Turnpike in this section.

Maine[edit]

The Maine attraction of this section of the route.

I-95 runs across the Maine Turnpike. Originally, I-95 used a different routing between Falmouth and Gardiner with I-295 (another one) serving as a loop through Portland — NOT Portland, Oregon; that would be I-205. I-495 used the turnpike between those two cities. However, Maine wanted to screw people over by changing the route numbers ironically to avoid screwing people over because I-95 is not 100 fucking percent of the Turnpike but nevertheless screws people over as I-95 is less direct, I-295 is longer, and I-495 moved but does not show itself on signs because it is a closeted gay.

Near Houlton, I-95 crosses into Canada. And ends. Well, at least the interstate part of it.

New Brunswick[edit]

The section built in New Brusnwick is the only actual highway in Canada as they cannot afford their own multicarriage roads. People even drive all the way to NB (on Canada's two lane death trails) just to see what a proper American highway looks like. It is the pride of the Province and they even have a ceremony every year to thank Americans for civilising their nation.

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Interstates & Highways
INTERSTATES:  4 10 43 95
U.S. HIGHWAYS:  66 74 411 666

Former feature candidate
Interstate 95 was a former candidate for feature.

Please view its nomination page to see why it failed. Once the objections have been addressed you may renominate it for feature.