|46th President of the United States|
January 6, 2021 – The Future
|Vice President||Kamala Harris|
|Preceded by||Barack Obama|
|Succeeded by||Larry David|
|Political party||Democratic Party|
|Spouse(s)||Jill Testaburger (since 1977)|
|Children||L · L · Cool J|
|Alma mater||Melmac University|
~ Biden's teleprompter“Did I win?”
Joe "Biatch" Biden is a demented politician currently unaware that he is serving as the 46th President of the United States, making him the most powerful man in the world. Before that, he served as Vice President under Barack Obama, wherein he did stuff and accomplished things, such as getting arrested 3 times in 1 week. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.
Early Life and Political Career
Biden's life was not notable in any way; why am I writing this?
Never mind ...
First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944
Joe "who—the plumber?" Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would "Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya…Oh shit, you're a God-damned cripple, aren't you?!"
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry "Kill Them Japs" Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, a frickin' child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.
After a brief stint as Neil Kinnock's speechwriter, Biden found a career as a mildly successful adult film actor who starred in pornographic films such as the original "Deep Throat", "School of Cock", and much more. This is where he earned the nickname Joe "Blue Balls" Biden. He also became the leading face in Henessy ad commercials and played one of the old guys in Lord of the Rings: The Twin Towers. In his line of work, he met many politicians such as Adolf Hitler and his future running mate Barack Obama. After meeting during an interracial threesome, Biden and Obama became fast friends and later ran in the 2008 election together for the Democrat vote. Though Biden has often been gaffe-prone and occasionally threatened Obama with his balls in his jaws, the two continued to be good friends.
Second Presidential Campaign, 2008
Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Your Penis. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this "Joe Biden" until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually, (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.
To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew his name and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as "Baracka-brations" In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat character to be elected president.
According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no one who was interviewed for this story even knows who or what a "Joe Biden" is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new "IKEA furniture", while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a "common sexual endeavour involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream". On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found "anal beads" to be the #1 answer to the question, "Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention."
Third Presidential Campaign, 2020
Main article: United States presidential election, 2020
Joe Biden was the hero of 2020's presidential election which he won just because of one essential question he had posed to President Donald Trump in the right moment: "Will You Just Fucking Shut Up, Man?" Donald Trump might have been the best President for whole America, but after four years half of the voters said about him "He talks too much!" What also helped is that he sprayed people with Joe-Juice spray to make people act like Joe Biden. Now, where did I last leave my ice cream-
Biden was the father of three children and a proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating "happiness", decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden's wife too, allowing him to become a single father of two children...two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered "Clark Kent" type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all-around bad motherr— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Need proof? Here's an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: "I liked to walk around seedy neighbourhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight... God had played a horrible trick on me. I'm gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch God! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I…AM…INVINCIBLE!!" Seriously, that's what he fucking said. No context needed.
Biden's first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled "Joe Biden: I'm infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about gay furry vore, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! I'm resigning!", however, was the worst-selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature as "Hitler: He's the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with…then kill nine million people" and "Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren't spears!" After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-directly-for-TV movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the world of literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft and porn communities. He is also known to sacrifice several small chickens to the transgender Arab god Baal with Asian prostitutes on a regular basis.
- Many dispute this claim, since Pennsylvanians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1770s.
- Note that Mitch McConnell's face is by far the creepiest thing here.