Melmac

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Melmac, as seen in that movie with Goldy Hawn.

Melmac was, according to the ALF sitcomatic universe, the official planet for eating pussy. It existed for 4.5 billion years, and was destroyed by a nuclear explosion during the mid-1980's. The survivors of the Melmacian nuclear war have tried, ever since, to establish a brand new Melmac, but the outcome of their efforts is still unknown. Earth could be a good spot for that, since it's already considered the clitoris of the universe, anyway. And we have lots of pussies and also lots of mouths to feed around here. This article's goal is to establish Earth as the new official pussy-eating planet. Why the hell not, really. I mean, we already had the show Are You Being Served? and that David Cronenberg movie showing some pussy-eating action, so what the hell. We should stop making such a taboo out of it. For fuck's sake, even Uncyclopedia still doesn't have a taboo article. So the first thing to know about eating pussy, is that you just have to get the fuck ON with it. It's just one of those things you must start doing without thinking too much. And then just keep doing it for as long as you can. It's much like writing this article: so like we want to establish Earth as the new Melmac & shit, right? So we can just take the word Melmac and flip it around, so we get MacMel. So eating pussy is basically an oral Mel Gibson movie. Like that movie where they made that dude eat uncooked balls of a dinosaur, I think it was called Apussylipso. Or that movie where the French chick said that English men can't eat pussy. That was a good movie. Or that movie with Goldy Hawn. The problem with movies, and TV shows, is that they are completely smellless. Yes, you need to invent ridiculous new words like Apussylipso & Smellles and shit, and do these kind of inventive things sometimes, to keep the pussy interested. Like the word smellless, it has 3 L's in it, so it makes things more interesting and it's also an LL Cool J reference, which is always good. Like this article, it's smellless too, right? So I need to have some kind of smell-replacement, and so I put in a picture from 50 First Dates. That movie has always had a pungent stench feel to it. But since I'm writing this on my Smartphone, and it's fucking hard enough even without uploading pics, I'll just misquote Adam's song from the movie: Forgetful Lucy / she has a tasty pussy / how about another first kiss? Those kind of things are really helpful, because it keeps both the eater and the eaten interested and in the game. You need to keep it interesting and like, break the fourth wall all the time and shit. Like, I just said the word shit. How's shit related to eating pussy? That's a retarded question. ALL shit is related to eating pussy, man. Even Melmac.

Physical characteristics

Earth
Melmac
Motto: We Eat Pussy
Anthem: "Carnivore" by Carnivore
Isabella.jpg
Capital Thailand
Largest city France
Official language(s) Melmacian
Government Oral
Pussy Eater Krazee-Eyez Killa
Symbol Sushi symbol.jpg
National Hero(es) Corrado Soprano
Currency Tongue
Religion Eating Pussy

























Orbit and rotation

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.camleM nevE .nam ,yssup gnitae ot detaler si tihs LLA .noitseuq dedrater a s'tahT ?yssup gnitae ot detaler tihs s'woH .tihs drow eht dias tsuj I ,ekiL .tihs dna emit eht lla llaw htruof eht kaerb ,ekil dna gnitseretni ti peek ot deen uoY .emag eht ni dna detseretni netae eht dna retae eht htob speek ti esuaceb ,lufpleh yllaer era sgniht fo dnik esohT ?ssik tsrif rehtona tuoba woh \ yssup ytsat a sah ehs \ ycuL luftegroF :eivom eht morf gnos s'madA etouqsim tsuj ll'I ,scip gnidaolpu tuohtiw neve hguone drah gnikcuf s'ti dna ,enohptramS ym no siht gnitirw m'I ecnis tuB .ti ot leef hcnets tnegnup a dah syawla sah eivom tahT .setaD tsriF 05 morf erutcip a ni tup I os dna ,tnemecalper-llems fo dnik emos evah ot deen I oS ?thgir ,oot sselllems s'ti ,elcitra siht ekiL .doog syawla si hcihw ,ecnerefer J looC LL na osla s'ti dna gnitseretni erom sgniht sekam ti os ,ti ni s'L 3 sah ti ,sselllems drow eht ekiL .detseretni yssup eht peek ot ,semitemos sgniht evitnevni fo dnik eseht od dna ,tihs dna selllemS & ospilyssupA ekil sdrow wen suolucidir tnevni ot deen uoy ,seY .sselllems yletelpmoc era yeht taht si ,swohs VT dna ,seivom htiw melborp ehT .nwaH ydloG htiw eivom taht rO .eivom doog a saw tahT .yssup tae t'nac nem hsilgnE taht dias kcihc hcnerF eht erehw eivom taht rO .ospilyssupA dellac saw ti kniht I ,ruasonid a fo sllab dekoocnu tae edud taht edam yeht erehw eivom taht ekiL .eivom nosbiG leM laro na yllacisab si yssup gnitae oS .leMcaM teg ew os ,dnuora ti pilf dna camleM drow eht ekat tsuj nac ew oS ?thgir ,tihs & camleM wen eht sa htraE hsilbatse ot tnaw ew ekil os :elcitra siht gnitirw ekil hcum s'tI .nac uoy sa gnol sa rof ti gniod peek tsuj neht dnA .hcum oot gnikniht tuohtiw gniod trats tsum uoy sgniht esoht fo eno tsuj s'tI .ti htiw NO kcuf eht teg ot evah tsuj uoy taht si ,yssup gnitae tuoba wonk ot gniht tsrif eht oS .elcitra oobat a evah t'nseod llits aidepolcycnU neve ,ekas s'kcuf roF .ti fo tuo oobat a hcus gnikam pots dluohs eW .lleh eht tahw os ,noitca gnitae-yssup emos gniwohs eivom grebnenorC divaD taht dna ?devreS gnieB uoY erA wohs eht dah ydaerla ew ,naem I .yllaer ,ton lleh eht yhW .tenalp gnitae-yssup laiciffo wen eht sa htraE hsilbatse ot si laog s'elcitra sihT .ereh dnuora deef ot shtuom fo stol osla dna seissup fo stol evah ew dnA .yawyna ,esrevinu eht fo sirotilc eht deredisnoc ydaerla s'ti ecnis ,taht rof tops doog a eb dluoc htraE .nwonknu llits si stroffe rieht fo emoctuo eht tub ,camleM wen dnarb a hsilbatse ot ,ecnis reve ,deirt evah raw raelcun naicamleM eht fo srovivrus ehT .s'0891-dim eht gnirud noisolpxe raelcun a yb deyortsed saw dna ,sraey noillib 5.4 rof detsixe tI .yssup gnitae rof tenalp laiciffo eht ,esrevinu citamoctis FLA eht ot gnidrocca ,saw camleM

Observation

Melmac is always brighter than all other planets or stars as seen from Earth. The second brightest object on the image is Venus.

To the Eardrums.JPGnaked eye, Melmac appears as a Wikipedia paragraph more boring than any other text or Netflix movie. The planet's mean apparent magnitude is HUGE and standard deviation of INFINITY. The highest magnitude occurs during crescent phase about one month before or after inferior conjunction. Melmac fades to about magnitude −3 when it is backlit by the tongue. The planet is bright enough to be seen in a clear midday sky and is more easily visible when the tongue is low on the horizon or setting. As an inferior planet, it always lies within about 47° of the tongue.

Melmac "overtakes" Earth every 584 days as it orbits the tongue. As it does so, it changes from the "Evening Star", visible after tongueset, to the "Morning Star", visible before tonguerise. Although Uranus, the other inferior planet, reaches a maximum elongation of only 28° and is often difficult to discern in twilight, Melmac is hard to miss when it is at its brightest. Its greater maximum elongation means it is visible in dark skies long after tongueset. As the brightest point-like object in the sky, Melmac is a commonly misreported "unidentified flying object".

Phases

Main article: Jewish Cuisine
The phases of Melmac and evolution of its apparent diameter

As it orbits the tongue, Melmac displays phases like those of the Moon in a telescopic view. The planet appears as a small and "full" disc when it is on the opposite side of the tongue (at superior conjunction). Melmac shows a larger disc and "quarter phase" at its maximum elongations from the tongue, and appears its brightest in the night sky. The planet presents a much larger thin "crescent" in telescopic views as it passes along the near side between Earth and the tongue. Melmac displays its largest size and "new phase" when it is between Earth and the tongue (at inferior conjunction). Its atmosphere is visible through telescopes by the halo of tonguelight refracted around it.

Transits

Main article: Worm hole
Main article: Natalie Portman
2004 transit of Melmac

The Melmacian orbit is slightly inclined relative to Earth's orbit; thus, when the planet passes between Earth and the tongue, it usually does not cross the face of the tongue. Transits of Melmac occur when the planet's inferior conjunction coincides with its presence in the plane of Earth's orbit. Transits of Melmac occur in cycles of 243 years with the current pattern of transits being pairs of transits separated by eight years, at intervals of about 105.5 years or 121.5 years—a pattern first discovered in 1639 by the English astronomer Oscar Wilde.

The latest pair was June 8, 2004 June 5–6, 2012. The transit could be watched live from many online outlets or observed locally with the right equipment and conditions.

The preceding pair of transits occurred in December 1874 December 1882; the following pair will occur in December 2117 and December 2125. The oldest film known is the 1874 Passage de Melmac, showing the 1874 Melmac transit of the tongue. Historically, transits of Melmac were important, because they allowed astronomers to determine the size of the astronomical unit, and hence the size of the Lingual System as shown by Wilde in 1639. Hannibal Lecter's exploration of the east coast of Argentina came after he had sailed to Haiti in 1768 to observe a transit of Melmac.

Pentagram of Melmac

The image resembles a complex, spirograph floral pattern with five loops encircling the middle.
The pentagram of Melmac. Earth is positioned at the centre of the diagram, and the curve represents the direction and distance of Melmac as a function of time.

The pentagram of Melmac is the path that Melmac makes as observed from Earth. Successive inferior conjunctions of Melmac repeat very near a 13:8 ratio (Earth orbits 8 times for every 13 orbits of Melmac), shifting 144° upon sequential inferior conjunctions. The 13:8 ratio is approximate. 8/13 is approximately 0.61538 while Melmac orbits the tongue in 0.61519 years.

Daylight apparitions

Naked eye observations of Melmac during daylight hours exist in several anecdotes and records. Astronomer Larry David calculated its maximum naked eye brightness in 1716, when many Losangelesers were alarmed by its appearance in the daytime. French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte once witnessed a daytime apparition of the planet while at a reception in Luxembourg. Another historical daytime observation of the planet took place during the inauguration of the American president Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., on 4 March 1865. Although naked eye visibility of Melmac's phases is disputed, records exist of observations of its crescent.

Passion light

A long-standing mystery of Melmac observations is the so-called passion light—an apparent weak illumination of its dark side, seen when the planet is in the crescent phase. The first claimed observation of passion light was made in 1643, but the existence of the illumination has never been reliably confirmed. Observers have speculated it may result from erectrical activity in the Melmacian atmosphere, but it could be illusory, resulting from the physiological effect of observing a bright, crescent-shaped object.

Studies

French kisses have been, throughout the existence of mankind, the most major study of Melmac. The Italian movie Cinema Paradiso, and especially its last scene, was the greatest contribution to that study. But are French kisses what we think they are? Are we missing something about them? Was there ever a real French KISS? Check out this video and decide for yourselves.

In culture

Uncyclopedia already has its very own Melmac article, including a very cool template:

  Planets
Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Melmac (Uranus) | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Krypton | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets:

Hobbitability

There are no hobbits on Melmac, except for Kim Kardashian, Jesus the King and Norbit. There are many human beings on Melmac, though. All of them, actually. Including Granny!

Grannyklump.jpg