Dwarf planet

A dwarf that is not a planet.

The term dwarf planet is a prestigious class of celestial body awarded to only the most kickass planets in the Solar System. Dwarf planets are known for being classy and hard to reach. Unlike the ordinary planets like Earth and Planet Google, which everyone has known about for at least five zillion years, the existence of dwarf planets was kept top-secret until just recently. The term "dwarf planet" is derived from movie director J.R.R. Tolkien's hitman dwarfs in his high-octane Lord of the Rings action trilogy.

According to a recent Gallup poll, 9 out of 10 astronomers would prefer meeting a dwarf planet at a party to a regular planet. Currently, fake property deeds to dwarf planets sell for twice as much as land on the Moon and on Earth-sized planets, and three or four times as much as property on gaseous planets such as Uranus.

Definition of dwarf planet

As stated above, not just any planet can be a dwarf planet. However, until August 2006 the exact concept of what makes a planet a dwarf eluded even the most professional astronomers. At the International Astronomical Convention, astronomers from around the world agreed on the following definition:

• A dwarf planet must be big enough to definitely not be an asteroid or an onion or some crap.
• A dwarf planet must have way too much moxie to be a normal planet.
• The purpose of a dwarf planet is to flip out and smash into other planets.
• Dwarf planets must have a big axe called "Wolfmaimer" or "Burgerslayer" or something like that.
• A dwarf planet must have a name that demonstrates how hardcore it is.
• A dwarf planet must be a dog that fell in love with Snow Black, like Pluto.

Close-up picture of a dwarf planet

List of known dwarfs

All known dwarf planets were at one point mistaken for normal planets. The astronomers responsible were taken out back and beaten severely.

Ceres

Ceres is the pimp mommy of the asteroid belt. The name "Ceres" comes from the Roman goddess of drug dealers. All the asteroids basically obey it on command.

Ceres is dangerously close to Earth, which is making space agencies wary about sending human expeditions across the belt.

Pluto

Pluto is the ninth planet away from the sun and founder of the dwarf planets. The name "Pluto" is the Greek god of death, which until Eris was discovered was thought to be the most hardcore name possible. In fact, every few hundred years it has a habit of occupying Neptune just to remind Neptune who really owns the local turf.

At the August 2006 convention, the IAU decided that Pluto was definitely not a normal planet. Pluto also has three moons, two without names. The largest is Charon.

Eris

Eris is the queen of mean. "Eris" is derived from the Greek goddess of making shit happen. Eris was only recently spotted patrolling a region of space previously thought to be entirely empty, or home to a tenth planet. Actually, Eris nuked all the other planets in the area.

Eris is thought to be where good/bad/infamous Discordians go when they die.

Makemake

A reddish dwarf, Makemake is just a pissed out planet (althogh not for long!). While exploring the Kuiper Belt, he saw the love of his orbiting years, 90482 Orcus. Makemake claims he will be married in 2033 and have "honey moons".

Haumea

Haumea is a little nukey ball of ice. Long ago, an asteroid called 90481 Wollstonecraft hit it and it cracked, making two large debris fields, called by Hawaiian names: Namaka and Hi'iaka.

Its core is yoke.

Mnemonics for dwarf planets

• Cows Poop Endlessly Making Hopelessness