Dwarf planet

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A dwarf that is not a planet.

The term dwarf planet is a prestigious class of celestial body awarded to only the most kickass planets in the Solar System. Dwarf planets are known for being classy and hard to reach. Unlike the ordinary planets like Earth and Planet Google, which everyone has known about for at least five zillion years, the existence of dwarf planets was kept top-secret until just recently. The term "dwarf planet" is derived from movie director J.R.R. Tolkien's hitman dwarfs in his high-octane Lord of the Rings action trilogy.

According to a recent Gallup poll, 9 out of 10 astronomers would prefer meeting a dwarf planet at a party to a regular planet. Currently, fake property deeds to dwarf planets sell for twice as much as land on the Moon and on Earth-sized planets, and three or four times as much as property on gaseous planets such as Uranus.

Definition of dwarf planet[edit | edit source]

As stated above, not just any planet can be a dwarf planet. However, until August 2006 the exact concept of what makes a planet a dwarf eluded even the most professional astronomers. At the International Astronomical Convention, astronomers from around the world agreed on the following definition:

  • A dwarf planet must be big enough to definitely not be an asteroid or an onion or some crap.
  • A dwarf planet must have way too much moxie to be a normal planet.
  • The purpose of a dwarf planet is to flip out and smash into other planets.
  • Dwarf planets must have a big axe called "Wolfmaimer" or "Burgerslayer" or something like that.
  • A dwarf planet must have a name that demonstrates how hardcore it is.
  • A dwarf planet must be a dog that fell in love with Snow Black, like Pluto.

List of known dwarfs[edit | edit source]

close-up picture of a dwarf planet

All known dwarf planets were at one point mistaken for normal planets. The astronomers responsible were taken out back and beaten severely.

Ceres[edit | edit source]

Ceres is the pimp mommy of the asteroid belt. The name "Ceres" comes from the Roman goddess of drug dealers. All the asteroids basically obey it on command.

Ceres is dangerously close to Earth, which is making space agencies wary about sending human expeditions across the belt.

Pluto[edit | edit source]

Pluto is the 9th planet away from the sun and founder of the dwarf planets. The name "Pluto" is the Greek god of death, which until Eris was discovered was thought to be the most hardcore name possible. In fact, every few hundred years it has a habit of occupying Neptune just to remind Neptune who really owns the local turf.

At the August 2006 convention, the IAU decided that Pluto was definitely not a normal planet. Pluto also has 3 moons 2 without names and the biggest called charon.

Eris[edit | edit source]

Eris is the queen of mean. "Eris" is derived from the Greek goddess of making shit happen. Eris was only recently spotted patrolling a region of space previously thought to be entirely empty, or home to a tenth planet. Actually, Eris nuked all the other planets in the area.

Eris is thought to be where good/bad/infamous Discordians go when they die.

Makemake[edit | edit source]

A reddish dwarf, Makemake is just a pissed out planet (althogh not for long!). While exploring the Kuiper Belt, he saw the love of his orbiting years, 90482 Orcus. Makemake claims he will be married in 2013 and have "honey moons".

Haumea[edit | edit source]

Haumea is a little nukey ball of ice. Long ago, a asteroid called 90481 Wollstonecraft hit it and this planet cracked. It made two large debris and this planet decided to name them Hawaiian names, Namaka & Hi'iaka.

Its core is yoke.

Mnemonics for dwarf planets[edit | edit source]

  • Cows Poop Endlessly Making Hopelessness

See also[edit | edit source]

Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn (Moons) | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Arrakis | Darwin IV | Discworld | Krypton | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | Melmac | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets: